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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Nightmares That Make You Go To Church- Part 4

This is the most recent nightmare that I had, this is actually the one that inspired me to write this series of blogs because I wanted to link all of these together. This is the most recent of these dreams, it takes place in during what seems like a regular dream. If I had to choose a director for this dream I would have to choose M. Night Shyamalan because it caught me by surprise. It was real hard for me to go back to sleep after this one because the idea of all 4 of these dreams just doesn’t sit well with me.

This dream starts out in an apartment with 2 living areas connected by a doorway and one of the areas is connected to the kitchen. Everything was brightly lit and there was nothing out of the ordinary except that I don’t live in an apartment. This nightmare starts out like any other dream with nothing special happening. There are two visitors and as far as I know they are in the living area furthest from the kitchen. My family is visiting with them and then I am sent to get everybody some drinks. So I head through the doorway and into the 2nd living area and into the kitchen. I grab 5 glasses, 2 for the visitors and 3 for the family, put ice in all of them and then fill them up. I look up and notice there is a woman looking in the refigerator and she notices me standing there will all the glasses to carry and says, “Are those drinks for everybody?” I nod and she says “I’ll go ahead and take mine.” She lightened my load so I took the other four to the other room while she stayed in the kitchen.

At this point the dream goes on and with laughing and talking in the 1st living area. I decide to go back to the kitchen and this time my sister comes with me. We get to the kitchen and she says, “Why is there and extra drink here?”

“what do you mean extra, she was supposed to take it” I grumbled

“she who?” my sister questioned

“the other visitor that came over” I exclaimed.

“there was no other visitor, just one” my sister says confused. I then run through the 2nd living area to the 1st and begin to ask everyone but no one seems to know what I am talking about. I begin to panic as I stumble into the 2nd living area. That’s when I see it, there is a shadow on the wall. There is nothing casting a shadow but there is still a massive floor to ceiling shadow on the wall. My heart skips a beat and time slows. My eyes are fixed on the shadow and the shadow begins to move off the wall like a person walking away from a wall they were leaning on. It moves slowly at first, I cant move my feet and every pound between heart beats seems like an hour. At this moment the shadow speeds right at me and I wake up.

Its over but I don’t believe it ever really is

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Honduran Job

The Honduran Job, this webcomic is a mini series inspired by a mixture of a great comedy thief and the Italian Job.  I will try to do the next ones in color this one was done in a rush.  This strip will be taking the place of Stinkin Monkies for the next few weeks.  Hope you guys enjoy it, see if you can guess who all the characters are..... I didnt try hard to hide it. The villian is still to come.  Stay tuned

Friday, May 27, 2011

Just Some Thoughts

I always wished I had the confidence of an Alpha Male, that was until I noticed that liking and knowing who you are comes at the cost of knowing who you want to be. If you are totally happy with who you are then why aspire to anything else? If you are not happy then it is logical that you will continue to learn and grow until you become the person you always wanted to be. So many people work like a hamster on a wheel and never get anywhere mainly because they have never asked themselves where do I want to go.

I once asked someone that came from Mexico what they wanted to do with their life, and they told me “I wanted to come to America and have a family.” I asked “and then…” he replied with “what do you mean and then, that’s what I wanted to do.” He came to America and started a family by the age of 28, that is a really early age to be done. What do you do from there? Where do you go? I asked a girl I once worked with “what do you plan to do for the rest of your life?” she said “this.” This….. This, she told me the crappy job we were working is all she wanted to do but she would also talk about opening a store all the time. It seems to me that people are happy to make short term goals but never like to be held accountable for the life they are creating for themselves.

I was raised believing I was going to be a mechanic, welder or carpenter until I found out that none of those things made me happy and made me hate every morning I had to wake up and take another step toward the life ending cliff. I understand that not everyone can get their dream job but there is nothing wrong with failing. The problem is letting fear make your decisions for you.

The key to life is questioning, making decisions and having the strength to see it through. So what makes you make the decisions you make, it never hurts to take a little peek inside yourself.

Hangover 2 - Quick Review

This was an Awesome movie. All in all its very similar to the first one where they start the night, black out, party like crazy, wake up and don’t know what happened, and figuring out what happened. The situations this time are totally crazy and Zach Galifinakis brings the funny just like before but this time he gets beat up by one of the guys and that part just happened to be one of my favorite scenes in the movie. I was afraid to see this movie at first because with a great movie like the hangover its usually really hard to recapture the spark that made the first one great. I believe they pulled it off for part 2 and it helps that they brought in a Monkey. The Mushroom scene in the beginning was so epicly funny I thought I might pass out. Pushing the limits of funny into places that make you just a little bit uncomfortable is what real comedy is all about.

This movie gets 5 Smelly Fingers

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

And the Winner of American Idol Season 10 is

Good ol American Idol, like the person you never wanted to be friends with but you always have a good time. The season has finally come to an end and even though Casey didn’t win I’m still very happy with who did. The only problem I had is that Haley wasn’t talented enough to win and I thought Casey was too talented not to win. But when I found out the top two were Scotty and Lauren I couldn’t have been happier than if Casey or Paul had made it to the finale. Both Scotty and Lauren deserve to be the American Idol for season 10 but it can only be 1.

The show was crazy good they pulled out all the stops
for the finale of a season that was full of advertisements…. I mean star studded performances. TLC was minus Left eye obviously but looks like they have been shopping in the plus section. Only one was showing off abs and the other was showing off chins. That performance just ended up being sad although the unnecessary Lil Jon part ended up being very necessary. I also thought it was very peculiar that Mark Anthony out shines Jennifer Lopez in almost every aspect except sex appeal. Mark Anthony had that whole Hector Lavoe thing going on while he was singing his song. It was a great performance for Mark. Casey showed up performing with Jack Black and it was great, both these guys can sing and know how to put on a performance. Jack Black and Casey even dressed the same they were really funny. Tony Bennett came out and sang with Haley and as much as I don’t like Haley she sounded awesome with Tony Bennett. Their performance had this classic feel to it and Tony rocked the house.

This was a great show to end this season that was full of some great talent. But after all the laughs and crappy performances put on my TLC and Beyonce there must be a winner to this Season. Scotty has a male voice that rivals the best country male voices there have ever been. Laurens is a great country singer and has a humility coupled with a fun loving personality that makes her shine through all the other contestants.
Scotty showed how good he is singing with Tim McGraw and Lauren show off her chops singing with Carrie Underwood.

And the winner is Scotty McCreery

From everyone here at Smelly Finger Salute, which is just me by the way, we would like to congratulate the winner and we wish you all the success possible.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Review of Priest- Vampire Killing Fun

This was a good movie, I didn’t go see it in 3d because I’m not a child I am a man with increasingly bad eyes. Unless you already know about this comic its about a specially trained group of chosen butt kickers called the Priests fighting a war against the vampires. The vampires in this movie don’t have eyes which is kind of cool and the entire movie is placed in a post vampire war time where the Catholic church has assumed power during war struggles.

The Church plays the part of big brother using safety as a reason to keep total and complete control over the people and it looks like a 1984 type setting both Post apocalyptic and futuristic but I think it plays well together. The people that did not choose to live under they tyranny of the church lives in the Wastelands where the people are open to attack. Part of the message this movie brings is following the will of God is not always following the will of the church but mostly the message is Power Corrupts.

This is a Summer blockbuster and as usual if you don’t like popcorn movies don’t see this movie. But if you’re a person that likes to have fun and knows how to enjoy themselves there is plenty of fighting and slow motion sequences to make you finish a whole tub of popcorn. The Priest is a butt kicking machine that was blessed by God to tear vampires apart. I’m not usually a vampire person ever since Twilight and the Sparkles but the blood and guts this movie brings is totally worth it.

I give this movie 4 smelly fingers only because I could have been longer but that’s just a personal preference.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lowriders of Death- The Best Times of My Life

When I was in high school I had a 1979 buick Regal. It was my baby but I treated it like an abusive parent and in return it treated me just as bad. It was an abusive relationship but we loved each other. Me and my dad built this car from the ground up and when I say me and my dad I mean mostly my dad but I got yelled at a lot so it counts when I add me. Neither one of us is a mechanic so you can guess how this went. The frame was wrapped with ¼ inch steel all the way around, so this bad boy was meant to be a lowrider from day one. Brand new engine, and we never did get that thing working perfectly but in my house good enough is good enough.

The first time anything ever went wrong in this car was the first time I took this car to work. I think I should also add that at this point my driving skills are not very good and I rarely drive, I’m 17 by the way. Well it started as a good day the Texas sun was shinning and my crappy job didn’t bother me, not today. I was on top of the world with my baby parked outside waiting for me to punch the clock and get off of work. I was showing the car off to all my coworkers, I started hitting switches front to back and side to side. It was like having a giant remote controlled car, I guess that’s exactly what it is, I was on top of the world as I hit the switches. Then the guys asked me if they could all pile up into the car and feel what hydraulics on a car felt like. That’s when I made a mistake that I would never forget. I started hopping the car, it was getting off the ground and everyone in the car was having a great time. Up to this point I had never hopped the car but it was worth it to show off a little.

It was time to go home so I was giving two friends a ride home, for the sake of this article lets call them Rick and James, Rick was on my way home but James was out of the way at some apartments. I didn’t know this guy that well but he was Ricks friend so I gave him a ride. I was driving down the street when I noticed that a light on my dashboard started to light up, it was the temp light, it was dim at first but as we got closer to where James lived it got brighter. By the time we got to James apartments the light was bright red and I was about to park and pop the hood to see what was wrong. I stopped in the parking lot of the apartments and as I grabbed the shifter there was a pop and the windshield fogged up. Hot moisture all over the windshield and now a gushing sound as well. I popped the hood and put the car in park. That’s when I saw something that I will never forget. The battery had fallen over onto the fan so the fan was stuck cutting into the battery, the car over heated with no fan working and the top of the reservoir had popped off causing the moisture on the windshield. Then James being the mechanic and genius that he was said to turn off the car, NEVER turn off the car when it overheats, and with all his wisdom decided to take the cap off the radiator, NEVER take the cap off the radiator of a car that has just been turned off. SPLOOSH!!! Boiling hot radiator fluid exploded everywhere, I was thankful to have my ninja quick reflexes, radiator fluid in peoples eyes and faces…. People went running holding their faces and eyes.  The engine sat steaming with joy because it had taught me the most important rule of Lowriding, always make sure the battery is tied down.   

Not much more happened after that but it took at least a year before the full extent of the damage was known and fixed. Backyard mechanics what can you say, slight burns and lessons learned.

This isn’t the last of my horror stories in my Lowrider so stay tuned Lowriders of Death shall return

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Stinkin Monkies-3

Here it is the 3rd strip of my favorite Stinkin Monkies.  It looks simple but there is alot of work that goes into it so I hope you enjoy.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Tomorrow is The Rapture- 5-21-2011

Tomorrow is the day for the Rapture or the day that I am going to ride around and laugh at people that think they are going up in the rapture. This is too funny for me, during the Y2K thing I had a blank tape in the VCR to record any crazy stuff that went down but now I’m going to pass by churches laughing at people if it doesn’t happen. It seems real harsh but how else are they gonna learn to not believe any yahoo that starts speaking some nonsense about the end of the world.

When it comes to religion I learned along time ago caring what other people think is a losing battle. Everybody wants to be heard but nobody wants to listen. But then crazy people end up with a following and start freaking out people when they tell them they have the inside track about the end of the world. News Flash NOBODY has the inside track and the sooner easily lead people learn that the sooner we can stop all this mass hysteria.

I mean honestly where do these people come from, just because some wackadoo says hey I crunched some numbers so I know when the world is going to end thanks to the bible. Bible believers are supposed to say, “wait a second, nobody knows when the end is coming” but this time a lot them just sat on their thumbs and let people believe this stuff.

The moral of this story is don’t be easily lead and nobody knows when the end of the world is.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Countdown to the Rapture is On- May 21, 2011

The countdown is on according to a man named Harold Camping. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Harold Camping is host of a radio show and is now claiming he has developed an answer to when Jesus will return or when the rapture will happen. He claims he used dates out of the bible and his listeners/followers are now spreading the news that that this Saturday May 21, 2011 is going to be the day of the rapture and that the whole world will be destroyed on October 21, 2011.

Regardless of what you believe this is a very interesting “prophecy.” It has been about 11 years since the whole Y2K thing and end of the world year 2000 thing, so we are about due for another dumb people panic. I wish I owned a grocery store this time though, they are going to make a ton of money. I wonder if the guy is just doing this for attention or if he really believes that its going down on Saturday. I really feel bad for the people that believe him if he is not sincere because they believe they are doing this for Jesus when in reality he’s probably doing it for ratings.

A rapture on Saturday would be awesome because do you know how many people would leave this world that are making it suck to begin with. I hope it happens if only for the people that have the incase of Rapture bumper stickers that are not going in the rapture then they can try to get the sticker off but it wont come off and they have to edit it to say “incase of Rapture this vehicle will still be fine.”

Don’t get me wrong I am a Jesus believing Christian but evangelicals are getting to the tipping point of crazy. I just mean it would be nice if God got the ball rolling on the end of the world this Saturday, even though this guy is a false prophet. If not this Saturday I got my fingers crossed for 2012.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Nightmares That Make You Go To Church- part III

This entry is going to be a little shorter than the others but this dreams actually scared me the most. This is the third shadow dream that I have had in my life and it was in the not too distant past. Just a few years ago I had this dream and even it dream time it only lasted about 1 or 2 seconds but it left a lasting impact. This short little dream is something that reached in to my being a shook my very core. It made me get up and turn the light on like a 5 year old little kid that just had a nightmare. There was nothing special about the night that I had this particular dream, it was the same ol routine as usual. I don’t even remember the dream that came before the scary part because it didn’t even matter, it was just a regular dream.

Where this nightmare really begins is at the end of the regular dream. I was walking in a field of bodies, too many bodies to count, they were everywhere. The bodies were dismembered, random pieces scatter amongst the bodies that were still in tact. Blood tinted the horizon red and an orange color filled the sky. There were bodies lifted above all the others on stakes decomposing in the orange light but there were no live people in sight. I started walking and searching, investigating what could possibly have done all this. Stepping over and through the still moist bodies I see a slumped over figure possibly being held up by a stake. Although everything happening is weird I am still not scared at this point so I keep walking with curiosity leading me. I finally reach the slumped over body, I know it should be dead because its not moving, its head is pointed at me and it appears to be bowing. Before I could move my hand to touch it the head snaps up to look at me as if it knew I was there and with its empty darkness staring into my very being it growls at me, “YOUR MINE.” In that second I woke up in my bed with my heart racing. I sat there for a minute reassuring myself that it was just a dream, but deep down I don’t believe that. I don’t know what it is but I know its not “just” a dream.

There is more coming so stay tuned for the conclusion of Nightmares That Make You Go to Church. Sweet Dreams.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Imaginary Exploits of Social Deprivation- Superhero

I’ve been watching a lot of Smallville in the last few months and this show has reminded me how much I love Superman. I used to watch SuperFriends when I was a kid and that’s where it started, when that first thought of what would you do if you had those powers. As a kid you just play around or with toys and pretend what it is you would do if you had powers and as a kid of course you would obviously fight bad guys but getting older is another thing.(Nobody wants to see you run around in your underwear and a towel) When your getting older you still think it would be cool to fight bad guys, that’s why some people become cops, but then you start thinking of all the other possibilities of having super powers(I see swimming pools full of ice cream). It would feel great to finally give someone something they deserve or to take a punch without having to worry about it.

I really hadn’t thought about it in a while until I started watching Smallville and how Clark Kent handled his powers. While sitting down and watching the show I would get lost in my own head about what I would be doing if I had all the same powers as Superman(I want you to picture an overweight guy for this adventure). These are my Imaginary Exploits of being a superhero because of my Societal Deprivation.

I’m waking up before school (high school is where Smallville started out) laying in my bed with a smile on my face because I’m different and its OK because I help people. Getting ready takes about 3 minutes because I like to take my time even though I’m using my superspeed. Breakfast is waiting for me in the microwave but who needs a microwave when you have heat vision, warm it up and sit down and watch some cartoons before school, why, because I have time.

Everyone is hanging out in front of the school so I walk through the people and when I walk in front of the where the popular kids hang out, one of them is wearing his maroon and grey letter jacket for football. He is telling his football friends a football story and as I try to keep my head down and walk behind him, his arm reaches back simulating a football throw and elbows me in the face. In a split second reaction I fall to the ground pretending I was hurt and he turns around to see me on the ground. He then looks at his elbow and sees that my tooth ripped his jacket,” you stupid bastard you ripped my jacket”

“yea well you hit me in the mouth” I say back. The football guy cocks his arm back getting ready to hit me in the face when she grabs him.

“Leave him alone you jerk” she said, “are you OK”

“yeah I’m fine” I stumble over my words and try to figure out why she helped me. Her name is Sally and she always says hi to me in the hall but I have never had the nerve to talk to her. I get up and dust myself off and keep walking towards my friends.

“alright well see ya” she says as she walks back to her friends that seem to be with the rest of the popular kids. She looks back at me and fixes her hair behind her ear with her left hand but as her face peeks out from behind her hand she smiles at me. The bell rings to go to class, everyone goes in except for Zack, the guy that elbowed me, and Sally. Zack has Sally by the arm and is yelling at her, I can hear what they are saying and its about how she helped me. He shoves her against the wall of the school with his left hand and with the other he begins to backhands her across the face.

Everything stops moving, I will not let this happen, I use my super speed to run up to them and I pull him away from her and I take him to the alley. I want to kill him but I take his right hand in mine and I crush it until it feels like pudding in my hand, I make it a point to make sure every bone in that hand is at least broken once. (thank goodness for x-ray vision) As icing on the cake I also take his shoes tie them together and throw them on the power lines. I need to get back to class so I superspeed to my first class and leave him alone with his decisions.

Fast Forward to being an adult. I need to get a job but I need something inconspicuous. How about a UPS driver that would be great because I could make all my deliveries in a split second but that’s not good enough. Clark Kent was a reporter how about that….. Nah I cant write very well.(thank you very much) Well duh how about a police man, I would never have to explain why I was first on the scene and I wouldn’t even need a costume change, I could just put on a mask whenever I used my powers. I should mention that Sally is the secretary at the police station and is still single.(shut up its only a coincidence in real life this is a daydream baby)

“Calling all cars, calling all cars, there is a 10-60 on the west side of Dollarville, need all available units” 10-60 is a bank robbery, that’s my cue. I step out of my car, put on my ski mask(costumes are kind of dumb when you start to picture yourself in one) and fly above the bank and x-ray into the building to see 4 guys with big guns and about 10 innocent people. I use my superspeed to get into the bank and all 4 robbers are in the vault. When I get in the vault I push all four of them against the wall with 1 swoop and when they hit the wall all 4 of them shatter into little pieces. They’re fake, it’s a trap.

Boom. The door closes behind me and the safety deposit box right in front of me swings open. I look in it, it’s a piece of Kryptonite.(yup its my weakness what a surprise) I fall to my knees and a voice comes over the speaker, “Welcome Peace Keeper, your hour of death is here and no one can help you!!”
That’s it for now boys and girls be sure to stay tuned for next weeks episode. Same bat time same bat channel.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Why Does Michael Bay Need To Crap On My Dreams- Problems In the Transformers Movies

WHY? Is it too much to ask…. I don’t think it is. All I wanted out of these movies were three things, cool robots, Devastator, and the DINOBOTS!!!!! Anybody that loves the Transformers loves the Dinobots. I have been waiting for these movies since I was a little kid maybe that’s why this is a bit of an issue for me. But I need to ask the question,”Why do you need to crap on my dreams Michael Bay?” If it was only me then that wouldn’t be too big of a deal but its not just me, everyone thinks that it would be the coolest thing ever if the dinobots were in these movies. It would be like Jurassic Park meets Transformers and it would be super epic. Alas, it shall not be, thanks Mr. Bay.

It started with the first movie, one word, Jazz. Jazz is one of the coolest characters in the cartoon but the Bay(that’s what I’m calling him from here on out) decided that he would destroy that character. Jazz was an awesome character and the Bay turned him into what Bumble Bee was in the cartoon, a little guy that is almost defenseless against any Decepticon. Even in the comic book Jazz was a special forces veteran and nobody could touch him even though he was a little guy. The Bay took all of that stuff and destroyed it in about 10 seconds of footage near the end of the first movie, once again thanks a lot Mr. Bay.

Before I continue I just need to say that I love these movies and I am glad that there is something where there could be nothing, these are just my personal problems with the artistic liberties that should never have been taken.

The second movie had a problem in it that I couldn’t overlook…. Devastator. Devastator combining was the coolest scene, other than robots dying, in the cartoon movie and he was not done justice in the live action movie. I am not asking for each robot to have a personality and a back story but have a little respect for the Devastator that we grew up with. This Devastator had balls….. Really? He had two swinging wrecking balls as testicles….. Really? I’m all for potty humor (you know how true that is if you follow me on twitter @smellyfingertee) but there is a point where you are just reaching for a joke and now it its on childrens toys. Childrens toys have balls….. Thank you Mr. Bay.

The upcoming movie Transformers 3 Dark of the moon got my hopes up and let me down already. I am really looking forward to the movie but the bird that they show during the preview got my hopes up that it was Swoop from the Dinobots. Turns out it was Laser Beak which is cool but not as cool as it would have been if it was Swoop. But that is not going to stop me from watching it.

I cant wait to see this movie so once again Thank you Mr. Bay!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Stinkin Monkies

Here is Stinkin Monkies strip 2.  I love drawing these monkies and I hope there are many more to come. Enjoy

Friday, May 13, 2011

Goodbye Smallville I Will Miss You

If you’re a comic book nerd or more specifically Superman nerd then you know that the Smallville series Finale was today. It seems very appropriate for it to have been Friday the 13th because as awesome as the finale was it just seems like a little bad luck that Smallville is no longer going to show anymore.

Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor was so cool! The face to face that Lex and Clark had was awesome. Lex Luthor has got to be the coolest villain ever, he is a regular guy and his nemesis is Superman, that has got to say something. He quoted Shakespeare and he made it cool to be smarter than everybody. Nobody would have thought to call Lex a nerd but he loved comic books and reading and playing the piano. Now that is a nerds villain if I have ever seen one.

Tom Welling , the heart and soul of this series has made every Superman fan proud. Christopher Reeve was very wise to have passed the torch to Tom. Tom Wellings portrayal of Superman has been fantastic and it was worth the wait to see him run to the roof pull his glasses off and open his shirt to reveal the Superman S. Tom Welling reminded fans of who Superman really is, not just an Alpha male with good hair and confidence but a good guy that always put the safety of others above his own in order to protect and inspire. For all Superman fans there will be 2 images that come to mind when you think of him, first and always will be Christopher Reeve in the tights with the S and the other is going to be a young Tom Welling playing a farm boy wearing flannel and solid blues and reds trying to inspire his friends to be the best they can be.

From this Smallville fan and fans everywhere I would like to say Smallville was awesome and inspiring. I will miss this show but good thing I have the dvds.

Randy Finally Said It - Eat It Haley

This isn’t really going to be a review of the show because my favorite didn’t make it this far but I do like all these contestants but one. I don’t like to write too much negative about a person or artistic expression on this blog but sometimes there is something that gets so far under your skin that it becomes the exception to the rule. Hailey on American Idol 10 does not even deserve to be in the top 10 much less the top 4. I couldn’t stand how the show was being judged until last night when randy took off the kid gloves and gave Hailey a verbal beating.

Randy said what I have been waiting for the judges to tell her. She cant sing and can only do a halfway decent impression of Alicia Keyes. But what made it worse is that she kept talking back about how good she is to the judges. That is not being confident that is being cocky and she deserves to go home. She also does not have a personality its like a piece of paper with a microphone.

If you vote on this show do me a favor and don’t vote for Hailey. Please!!!!

Thor is Awesome

I didn’t get to see Thor opening day but I did get to see it Tuesday. I have heard a lot of stuff about this movie, that it isn’t good or its cheesy. Well my opinion of this movie is that it Freakin Rocks. If you only go to movies like Titanic or the Notebook then don’t see this movie because its for people with a sense of humor with a little touch of nerd.

I was a little shaky about watching this movie because I have heard some not so good things about it but I am a loyal comic book movie watcher.(Comic books not Manga, nothing against it I just enjoy my super heroes and the Dragonball movie sucked) I didn’t know much going in to this movie but I did know a little about Thor so I was ready for what I thought would be the equivalent to the Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren, in other words I was ready for a crappy movie. Boy was I wrong!!!

Thor was made for a comic book fan that loves summer blockbusters, that’s me, and it did not disappoint. Just to begin the graphics were great. A worm hole made up of rainbow and cloud was a stroke of genius and the Thor fighting the ice people at the beginning was great. The whole construction of Asgard was awesome, everything from the rainbow bridge to the views from the throne room. Hats off to he artist that did the animation in this movie because it is great.

Natalie Portman is smart and hot in this movie, the perfect combination if you ask me. I think Thor thought so too. She is the love interest in this movie but she also makes it funny. She brings the movie a certain quality that pulls you into the story and you begin to root for her as well as Thor. The love interest doesn’t get in the way of the movie but makes it possible, and that always makes for a good story.
Loki is Thors brother in this movie and movies about brothers make them relatable on a whole other level. The dynamic between these brothers is awesome and I look forward to more Thor movies. This movie is very funny, serious, sad and action packed. If you have the time, watch this movie, but if you don’t have the time, make time, so you can watch this movie.

On a scale of 1 to 5 smelly fingers- 1 being “stinks” to 5 being “smells like a winner”
This movie gets 5 smelly fingers

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Imaginary Exploits of Social Deprivation

First let me say I am not agoraphobic, I don’t like going outside…. There’s a difference. Ever since I was a kid I have spent all my time alone, I had friends at school but my school life never leaked out into my personal life. My mind learned how to entertain itself from a very young age and this little entertainment grew and grew over the years and developed into an entire world. I did none of this through my own will it was all accidental, a direct result of my social deprivation. These are my imaginary exploits.
Lately I have been waking up with a sore neck and the scary part is I think its because I’m getting too fat. I woke up today with the dreaded neck ache creeping its way up the back of my head turning into a headache. My right eye was still sore and blurry from being buried in my pillow. Dragging bare feet so I can get to my shirt that was left on the other side of the room. During the trek to cover my fat naked torso I start to contemplate how fat my neck has become.
I believe my neck has gone beyond looking like a pack of weenies to looking like a pack of ground beef. Like those guys you see on tv like Half Ton Dad and all those other shows that make you consider becoming anorexic. The road I have started down is a long and dangerous road that ends with me doing the splits all the time while I lay in bed. On the one hand I have always wanted to do the splits on the other hand what’s the point of doing the splits if it isn’t to kick someone in the head. My heart starts to beat a little faster and the pain in my neck begins to intensify because I’m focused on it. How close am I to becoming bed ridden and how fast am I getting fatter? At this split second I am reminded of a scene from “The Nutty Professor” where Eddie Murphy is dreaming and he keeps getting fatter and fatter until, “he’s like king kong with titties.”
Being bed ridden may not be so bad after all. I never leave my house anyways and my body type will finally match my body image.(cue violins for low self esteem) I begin to live out a day, in my mind, as a human mattress.
I am totally spread out on my queen sized bed, I feel the right side of my stomach/back fat hanging off of one side of the bed. I wake up because something is poking me in the back, is that the feeling of my kidney finally giving up? Nope, I fell asleep tweeting last night and it’s my laptop poking me in the back…. Whew, that was a close one. I feel a tug in my crotch as I try to adjust, my catheter tube is caught in the blanket, “Help, I cant reach the tube!” I yell into the darkness around me in hopes that my family didn’t finally leave me to my self imposed prison.
“WHAT” an annoyed voice yells from the other room
“My tube is stuck and it hurts, help me out” I cry back
“Not my job but I’ll wake the nurse” the voice mutters
In walks a 5’7” Mexican princess (shut up, its my daydream and I cast the characters as I see fit) in a nurses uniform. “Good morning, what seems to be the problem” she says wiping the sleep from her eyes. She spots the tube and takes care of it right away. I make a joke that makes her laugh and the room lights up for a millisecond before I remember that she is my nurse for a reason. Being bed ridden will always seem to take the pimp out my limp. The bed ridden depression already starts to set in, but on the bright side I don’t have to get out of bed to pee anymore. This day already sucks but there is no way it can get too much worse, right….. wrong.
“so, when’s breakfast?”
“right after your morning workout” the nurse says with a slight grin
I knew it, she hates me and enjoys putting me through pain. Well I can’t move so working out can’t be that bad. The nurse turns on the lights and hiding in the darkness are stationary cameras not only to judge me but make me self conscious about everything I do. “What the hell is that?” I growl pointing at the camera
“your going to be on Jerry Springer today, remember.” she says with a giggle in her voice. Laugh it up you bastard I’m going to need to poop soon then revenge will be mine….. Mine I tell you.(sorry that’s my inner super villain)
Well its workout time, gotta look good if I’m going to be on tv. I wonder what we are going to start with, then I hear the music….. It cant be. “Are you ready?” a very feminine male voice squawks from outside. The up tempo oldies is the first clue to who it is. Then he walks in and makes me wish I would have died in my sleep. Richard Simmons is the celebrity trainer they got for me especially for the show.
(I’m skipping this part because I never knew exercise could feel like rape)
I suddenly feel like the little girl from Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory, with a huge body and little bitty limbs poking out from the monstrosity. Forever a turtle stuck on its back unless the arm raises can get me back on my feet. Here comes breakfast finally, I bet if nothing else is good breakfast will be good.
“here you go” my nurse says as she stretches her arm toward me to reveal my ultimate disappointment.
“an apple?” I can feel my fore head start to heat up as the anger boils and my blood pressure almost kills me. If I wasn’t so hungry I would throw It at her, she is lucky I am hungry and have horrible aim.
(I awoke from this day dream because you don’t need to live out a whole day to understand that this sucks and that’s as far as I got before I found my shirt)
Is this my future, is this the life that I am destined to live…. Hell no its not. Its time to work out, right after cereal and cartoons for breakfast.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Getting Older Sucks

I would like to start by saying my birthday is tomorrow and my bday always makes me want to fight somebody. I’m going to be 28, its not that old but your 10 years away from 18 and 12 years away from 40. When you look at it like that makes you want to dig your heels in and fight it but time is like Mexican food it always catches up with you. I wish I was the kind of person that could just celebrate by getting drunk but I’m not, I’m the kind of person that is going to analyze every angle of it until I go crazy. My birthday is like a flashback episode of the last year of being me, except its not funny like tv its mostly just sad like the news. I’m not afraid of getting older but the thought of where I will be in 5 or 10 years really makes me nervous. Let me tell you why.

I recently, and by recently I mean last August, quit a job that I loved and had for 3 years with the county but I had been with the county for 5 or 6 years(I cant remember) and before that I was working part time at the job I most recently quit. Now I am unemployed on purpose but when you hold your future in your own hand and don’t hand it off to someone else it tends to makes you nervous. I like to think life is meant to be spent taking steps forward, but with this recent move it seems like a giant leap backwards.

I loved birthdays when I was a kid and there is almost nothing better in life than cake….. Mmmmm cake. But what are you really celebrating, a night when your parents had all the kids they wanted and destroyed that because they didn’t have cable….. Woo hoo lets party. Maybe we are celebrating the miracle of life that happens a bazillion times a day, I don’t know if something that happens that much is really a miracle. Is it Life that you celebrate when its your birthday, tell me if I’m mistaken but a great life is celebrated by just experiencing it, if someone has to stop your life to remind you to celebrate then its probably not that good. I’m probably just being bitter but Birthdays blow, Hard!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Just a Word About Stupid Schools aka For Profit Schools

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for schools like Kaplan and University of Phoenix and all I can think is what the hell. Who goes to these schools and why. It doesn’t make any sense to me, its an obvious fraud but no one is saying anything about it.

Just in case you don’t know these are schools that are targeted towards the lower class aka the poor, job oriented training type stuff. Not an education(they don’t want you to learn something) more like preparation for slavery. These schools charge as much as a real university (you don’t even get to party like at a real school, its just sadness and reality) but don’t give anywhere near the education or bang for your buck. Poor people are all about saving time though, I’m not sure why I guess its all we got. Saving time is what Rent 2 Own places are all about, the Payday loan and little loan places all targeted at the poor because poor people need things NOW. These places are all backed by the biggest banks in the world, if the blood starts rushing to your head its because your being held upside down like in the cartoons so they can get the rest of your money. Maybe its rap music maybe not but glorifying the quick come up is what poor people are all about. Rich people justify their actions by claiming the poor don’t know how to manage their money but at the same time poor people have never had any and don’t realize that it needs to be managed in that way.

The simple truth is that the poor are easily manipulated and that is why the fake “colleges” exist. They train you for entry level positions that can easily be learned at your local community college for maybe a 10th of what fake colleges charge. Aren’t my pockets empty enough that these rich corporations come knocking on my door to get the rest of my money. I’m sorry Banks at least give me the opportunity to lube up before I get nailed.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Smallville Episode 20 - Prophecy

Almost done so its time to set up the end of the beginning. This was a good episode (but hey does Smallville really make a bad one) It moved the story further than its moved for a while, the last two episodes were good but I like this one for a few reasons. Its cool that Clark is finally embracing his geeky self to let the hero shine.(I hate calling him “the Blurr” because he’s Superman, damit!) This episode proves that Lois is the greatest chick in this entire series because unlike everyone else that ever got Clarks powers, mind blowing moment, she used them the same way he would. I thought that was the coolest part, Lana seasons past just went insane, other people went crazy but Lois held it somewhat together. Although she did complain about breaking heels, I was wondering why you would even wear shoes if you were invulnerable, I bet its because if your super strong nothing can cut your toe nails and that probably gets nasty…. They would be like Wolverines adamantium claws. (yup that was a marvel reference while talking about a DC character, booyaah) All in all I think the ToyMan is kind of annoying but I cant wait for Lex to make his comeback. Kara and Oliver (green arrow) were also in this episode but it was kind of a minor part but it moved the story and we are now geared up for the Series Finale. I think the only thing it wont have is a musical number but I’m not quite ruling it out. The coolest part is that Clark is finally a man, the only thing missing now is the suit.

This next week is going to move so slow for me, I cant wait for the series finale. This show has been awesome and if Tom Welling puts on the suit I think I might cry a little.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Mormons Knocked On My Door- A Lesson in Salesmanship Part 2

One of the first things you should know for this article is that Religion is one of my favorite subjects but so is selling. I like to do experiments in how the two relate to each other. The goal of the Mormons is to get you to go to their church and to see things their way. On the other hand my goal is to at least make them question the path that they are currently on because truth is not something that gets handed to you, it’s a journey that constantly takes you in new directions.(at least that’s what I believe)

The Mormons came back today, I was a bit surprised but hey, they work that aggressive angle well. They are really nice guys, one of them you can tell is the salesman and I think he is trying to teach the other one. The last time I talked to these guys they told me they would be back not the next day but the day after. This is actually a good strategy because it makes you seem eager to talk but not too eager you scare the prospect away. Plus they got the callback and as everyone is selling knows the sale is usually in the call back.

Everything starts the same as last time, clean cut guys ready to share the “wonderful” message of the Mormon church. They start by asking me if I have started reading the book they gave me and I tell them I have because I enjoy learning about different religions. Now begins the question and answer portion, a good salesman should be happy to answer any question the customer has. During this part is when I try to start selling him on all the negative aspects of his product but doing this directly never works, the person always feels attacked. The key is to slowly get him to agree with the things you say, same tactic they use, for example: do you believe in rain…. Yes, you believe God controls everything….yes, and you believe god punishes people……yes, So you can assume it doesn’t rain because of something you did? That is absurd but because of the line of questions, if your not on your toes, you might believe it. That wasn’t a great example but you get the picture. This tactic works wonders for stumping people that are not expecting it. This is the perfect moment to pull out two cards at once. The first is the vulnerability card, sharing a story that relates to the subject and reveals vulnerability allows them to believe you trust them and they can believe what you say. The next card is the card of greater knowledge, whether it be experience or just book knowledge they have to believe that you can teach them something about anything. The vulnerability builds trust and the knowledge builds the power. Now they are listening to you and believe the things you tell them. This is the fertile ground where the seeds can be planted.

So now you know and knowing is half the battle…. that’s what the Transformers used to tell me anyway. Stay tuned for the follow up to how my 3rd meeting with the Mormons will go and an overview of everything.

American Idol 10- Top 5 Let The Mediocrity Begin

I did not make it a secret that I did not agree that Casey should have gone home last week but I didn’t know how right I was until I saw the sad averageness of the entire show. There were only 2 that did really well and those are the country boy and girl. Scotty and Lauren did awesome.

This should actually be the week that Jacob goes home, I don’t want him to go but you should not get away with putting on such a crappy performance this late in the competition. He’s good but he’s not good enough, I mean come on dude who are you kidding dancing like a chick and singing a Jordan Sparks song….. I’m gonna tell you like John Travolta told the Rock in “Be Cool” “Why don’t you try singing a…. Man song”

James first song sucked, don’t get me wrong he did it well but he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. To me it was just one of his weaker performances. I don’t usually have too many bad things to say about this dude because chances are he is going to win….. I have been wrong before but not often.

Lauren did good on both of her songs and is showing lots of improvement in her confidence. She deserves every bit of success that is coming her way.

The stand out this time was definitely Scotty, this kid has a certain tone to his voice that reminds me of Randy Travis and a confidence on stage that reminds me of Clay Aiken. This has been one of the only times I have agreed with the judges. Both of his songs rocked for different reasons and he did the up tempo and the slow song perfectly. This is the guy that I am rooting for since Casey is no longer in the running.

HOW THE HELL IS HALEY STILL ON THIS SHOW!!!!! Come on America lets get together and get this chick off the show. She is a 1 trick pony and this trick is getting old. The judges are basically spoon feeding her the competition and if you pay attention when they work with the producers Hailey has to get the most help. I think its because she sucks, can you imagine her album…. All the songs are going to sound the same. She shouldn’t have been in the top 8 but she is the only one that is commercial out of all of them so here goes the Silver spoon you hack.

Overall other than Scotty all these performances are just OK and I think America might be running out of talent or at least talented judges. Most of these kids wouldn’t make it past the top 32 in the first few seasons of AI, and which ones can really hold a candle to the first winner.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Nightmares That Make You Go To Church- Part II

This Nightmare is actually a reoccurring dream that I have been having since I was about 11 years old. This is the second shadow dream but I have had this same dream a few times in my life. It takes place in a totally different place than my house, it takes place at my grandmothers house, but this dream doesn’t start with an eerie feeling it begins with just a normal bright clear day. I never understood why I would have this dream at least once or twice a year but it isn’t like all my other dreams that I would forget after I woke up, this one sticks with me all day after I have it.

It always starts out as a regular day and I’m taking a walk for some reason just a regular run of the mill dream. Then I feel danger as I come face to face with a guy, he doesn’t have a face I can remember but he’s dangerous and he’s after me. At this point it turns into a running dream where it feels like your running in deep mud and the whole of your being just keeps whispering in your ear that you cannot stop because your soul depends on you not stopping. Every movement takes everything you’ve got and he’s getting closer and closer, my heart starts pumping and I know I need to come up with something else or else he’ll catch me. I get the idea to jump into a sewer( it looks just like the one on Ninja Turtles the movie), its dark and threatening but I have to keep moving or he’ll find me. I keep running and its getting easier I’m going faster so now I know I’m getting a way, I finally start to feel better as I let up on the speed but I look back and waiting in the distance is the Shadow man. I feel his menace but more than that I think he wanted me to see him and not the man chasing me. Without a move or a word he threatens me not just with murder but something far worse, consumption of the soul. I start running again and once again its not fast enough so I need to get somewhere safe. Somehow I know my Grandmother lives around this area so I need to get out of the sewer. Climbing out of the sewer my leg is still in and it grabs me, I have nothing to hold on to. The shadow is clawing at my leg but I pull my self out but its still just behind me scratching at my back. I can feel it wrapping its arms around me but I throw myself into the gate entering the front yard. The Shadow began to back off but it didn’t disappear until I heard a shotgun blast. That is when I realized the Shadow didn’t leave because I was in my Grandmothers yard but it was because this yard was protected by someone, someone with a shotgun. I looked at the old man and knew I was safe, I don’t know who it was but I know he’s a friend that would always show up in this dream at the right time.

It was this dream that made me start thinking about this Shadow and how it didn’t feel like a dream. This was the dream that the shadow just might be something else, something that wanted me.

That’s not all folks, stay tuned because there is a part 3 coming. If you have had any of these types of dreams feel free to post in comments I would love to read about them.

Mormons Knocked On My Door- A Lesson in Salesmanship

Who hasn’t been hat home just enjoying a Saturday morning and then the infamous knock at the door comes. Oh look its some very polite, nicely dressed young men but wait they have backpacks and…. and….. Aww hell it’s the Mormons. I had this happen today, but the big question is “how should I handle this?” You always have two choices in this situation, you can either tell them to get out of your face, or you could talk to them. I chose to go with the more civil of the two choices.

If your familiar with selling techniques you can always spot them when people come to your door. One of the first is presentation, there is a reason these kids look like a boy scout version of a car salesman, but you cant fault them for it. The next is creating a sense of rapport, these people don’t know you from the last door they were at but they want to hear your sob story so they can “know how you feel.” I bet they are even sincere about it and really want to know about you. Once they start getting you to tell your stories or even sob stories they are going to get the overall feeling and repeat what you said back to you except this time with a positive twist like “ I know exactly what you mean, would it have made a difference if ______ was different, how would that have made you feel?” When you start to visualize yourself in that moment with everything going right and you begin to get a conversation going that’s when they feel they’ve got their hooks in.

So now you know and knowing is half the battle…. that’s what the Transformers used to tell me anyway. Stay tuned for the follow up to this on how to use these same techniques and how I suspect it works.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Nightmares That Make You Go To Church- Part I

Had a nightmare last night which is very out of the ordinary for me because nothing scares me, usually. It wasn’t even a whole dream that was scary…. But in my nightmares It never is. The thing that makes my nightmares scary to me isn’t zombies or king kong not even being a reality tv star. My nightmares are a common theme in my life, they are never different types of scary dreams they are always basically the same.(well the scary part is not usually the whole dream)

It all started with the very first scary dream that left an impact on me that I still remember. This sucker looked like it was directed by Tim Burton but made by Wes Craven….. Scary stuff when you’re a little kid. I remember I was in front of my house which at the time looks like a trailer with one room in front of the other but with the door at the very front, two trees in the front yard but has the vibe of a dark rainy day. I guess its because it was a dream but everything was skewed a little bit like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the house that Charlie lived looked like the house in my dream.

I remember running and hiding behind the curb, you know laying in the street with 2 black trees towering over me with malicious intent. I felt like Dorthy in the woods with the trees throwing apples. Then He made his appearance. The Shadow man, he looks like death but without the sickle and without a face, just an aura of darkness that consistently tries to swallow me. He would haunt my dreams on and off for years to come(anyway back to the dream). He stands far enough away from the edge of the curb that I can still hide from him. He looks out over the street glaring with that blackness devoid of any feeling, then makes his way back to the house but disappears. I beat it, he chased me I won and I stand proud and go back into my house with my head held high. I start toward the kitchen but the rotary phone rings….. rrrrring……rrrrrring….. I sense something wrong as the mood turns dark again. I pick up the phone trying to ignore the feeling that has come over me but no one is there. Hello…. Hello…. Hello? Right then the phone turns black and I drop it and jump back. The black receiver crashes on the floor and right as it bangs the floor the black from the phone spreads into the air and becomes the Shadow. As quickly as it appears it heads toward me and just as its about to touch me….. I wake up.

Remember if this doesn’t seem scary to you I was probably 8 or 9 at the time but I got scared just reliving the dream. This was just the first of these Nightmares, more to come so stay tuned and let me know what you think.