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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Your Not A Bully If You Don’t Start It- The Insult Jedi

Having the gift of insults is tricky. You can be called mean and a bully but having this gift is like being able to control The Force. It can be used for evil(or “the dark side”) or it can be mastered by a JedI but it all depends on how you use it.

Being a bully is giving someone trouble when they don’t ask for it and throwing your weight around only because you can. Just because your not doing physical harm doesn’t mean your not doing harm. Throwing around insults for no reason is a real douche thing to do. You can always tell who this guy is because they are always self important and doing their best to be an alpha male. More often than not they will be wearing one of those silly Affliction or Ed Hardy t-shirts and look like one of the guys from the Jersey Shore (douche bags). Very rarely are these bullies masters of the insult arts though. Their go to is usually going to be obvious like how fat or ugly you are, while those are always good fallbacks they should never be a real masters go to. The way a Sith lord will use Force Lightning is how Bullies use actual information from your life (if the bully is someone you know) like a divorce or an eviction, it’s a real low move but nothing is too low for a bully. If a Bully is a master of the insult arts then your just left with a real problem on your hands. This kind of person can reach into the shadows of a persons soul and pull out their inner most insecurities and put them on display in the museum of Laugh At You Until You Cry.

On the bright side there must be balance in the Force.

Its very easy to confuse a JedI insult master and a Sith insult master. If your watching from the outside all you see is two people in a heated insult battle that could make a normal person give up on life. JedI only use The Force for either self defense or the protection of others much the same as an insult master. The main difference is intent. There is no such thing as a well meaning person that just has to throw his weight around because he cant help it. A true master hones his skills by joking with friends and family but never pushing the limits or crossing the line. That’s how a master becomes a master is by being able to insult a person without truly offending them. He uses the verbal finesse of a poet and the hilarity of a comedian. Lots of people think they can be insult masters but only very few can reach the JedI Level of Mastery. JedI do not invoke Force lightning, its not because they cant but they wont. It’s a technique that is too low for a real JedI. I mean come on why should I only make fun of how ugly or fat you are when all the Bigfoot sightings around your house are because you like to go outside without a shirt. (it not only makes fun of hairiness but also height, foot size, and indirectly ugliness)

The ability to crush someone is intoxicating and smells of victory but should never be initiated by the master. Its not only the quick way down the path of being a butt hole but if your not tough it’s a good way to get beat up!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Cartooning 101- Fun With Circles- Simple Cartoon Character

The beauty of cartooning is that there are no real rules. You are free to do anything you want but before you can break the rules you need to learn a few fundamentals. If you think there is no way you can draw your own cartoon character take a look at how easy it is. From a simple circle you can make a little character that with a little writing can come to life and jump right off the page. This entire character was done in Inkscape in less than 5 minutes. Lets see how easy it is.

1. If you cant tell from the picture start with a simple circle.

2. Two smaller circles for eyes. The big circle at this point is a face.

3. To show direction solid smaller circles for iris/pupil inside the eyes.

4. A small half circle in the middle of the big circle as a nose.

5. Another half circle but with the open end up at the bottom of the big circle to be a smiling mouth.

6. Closed half circle under each side of the big circle as feet and now you have a simple cartoon character.

And that is how easy it is to create a simple cartoon characters out of a circle. The use of the eyes and the mouth can be used to convey emotion but more on that in the future….. Until the Future.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Why Cant I Own A Monkey?

What is it about a monkey that makes people think your weird? The guy in front of the Wal-Mart with a monkey isn’t panhandling he’s putting on a performance and taking donations, why is that different? I have always wanted a monkey but the idea of having to take care of something that could one day rip my face off just seems like a bad idea. But I still want one.

I was kidding around one day with my brother and sister about getting me a monkey and everyone was laughing until it stopped. The smile left everyones face and then they asked “your not really gonna do it, are you?” Of course not it was a joke… Kinda. It was as if a film crew from TLC popped out of nowhere and things got all interventiony. They were really serious and telling me how it would be a bad idea if I got a monkey and how would I take care of it when getting off the couch is the most exercise I get some days. What if one day it went crazy?

I got to thinking about that and it occurred to me that if I get taken out by a monkey its only because I wanted to die. I know monkies are strong but I mean come on, whenever they kill someone its always some old lady or freakish weirdo that was probably trying to molest the monkey anyways. How many times does a regular guy get punked by a monkey or even better how many times does someone that can throw a punch get beat up by a monkey? I’ve never heard of it. I could never let a monkey punk me, if I were to get cornered, Monkies have balls too right? Problem solved. Other than abusive zoo keepers how many people have ever punched a monkey in the face, honestly.

But finally I realized why I could never own a monkey. Fistfights. If I were to feel threatened by the monkey and was actually in danger I would knuckle up and go down like a champ. And the worst part would be if neither of us got really injured then I would have to explain why me and the monkey have black eyes and keep staring each other down. I saw Planet Of The Apes, they’re not gonna take over the planet without getting punched in the face a few times.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dear Hipsters- A Letter to Hipsters

The following is a letter to hipsters.

Dear hipsters,

I don’t understand. When I went to school there were no hipsters. Is it an invasion? I remember everyone having their own space, for instance jocks, slackers, skaters, gangsters, and nerds. You see what I mean, no hipsters. I don’t understand what exactly you are. The definition of a hipster is a person that follows the latest trends and values independent thinking. That doesn’t make sense to me, you cant be an independent thinker and follow all the latest trends….. Right? I don’t hate you but I don’t understand you and I have never been able to have a successful conversation with a hipster. The only friendly hipsters I have ever met have been homosexual, now that I think about it maybe they just dressed like hipsters.

I’m so confused because there is this new group of people and I don’t even know how to communicate with them. Its also kinda hard to take anyone serious that is wearing skinny jeans. I understand that women wear tight jeans but when men started wearing the exact same jeans once again just confusion. I went to a coffee house and it looked like Old Navy threw up in there. I have met so many with smug attitudes, I don’t mind though. I guess they could tell I wasn’t one of them because I wasn’t wearing the uniform. Smug attitudes usually bother me but if the hipsters I met hadn’t turned their nose up at me we would have spent time laughing about his pants and how they made him look like a teenage girl.

I guess I’m just not cool enough to get it.

Giggles McSlappybottom