Smelly Finger Tshirts

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Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Why Batman Is The Most Unrealistic Character In The DC Universe

With the new Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer out the debate has sparked again.  You know the one, who would win between Batman and Superman?  This question drives me crazy, why is it even an argument?  Its so obvious that someone with Super in their name should be, I dunno… maybe,  superior to a regular human.  But that’s not even the point of this article, the point of this article Is to prove why Batman is the most unrealistic character.

First off just the notion that Batman could beat Superman is like a little kid bragging about beating his dad at baseball.  Yea he won just because his dad didn’t want to murder him but whatever.  Superman is what every little boy pretends to be and Batman is who every little boy thinks he can grow up to be, the problem is that they are both the same amount of unrealistic.

I don’t mean this in a real scientific way either, I mean he is unrealistic because its not consistent.  Like the Superman example, why can Batman beat the most powerful being in the universe but the Joker is his arch nemesis.  He can beat a super powered alien but a crazy guy with a couple knives is just too much for him, give me a break.  Batmans most dangerous villains are just morning exercise for Superman but you want me to believe Batman is the best… please. 

His money is ridiculous.  There are rich people in the world but why would no one notice that Bruce Wayne is Batman,  just because he dates hot chicks and is in the tabloids.  Its kind of like iron man, if Tony Stark wasn’t so upfront about being Iron Man everyone would figure it out because who else would have the resources and the brains to be Iron Man.  If Batman being as smart as he is and the worlds greatest tactician, wouldn’t the people growing up with him have noticed even if it was just teachers?  They would be sitting around the teachers lounge of the boarding school chatting about Batman and someone would say you know who could have been Batman, he had the brains the money and the military resources, The Wayne kid.  It would just take a mention before it caught wind and the tabloids would be waiting at the gates of Wayne Manor then someone would be persistent enough to notice that Batman always escaped the same way in the same direction, or they would just see the airplane and where it landed.

He knows every Martial Art?  Nobody has this much time! The guy that came up with Batman… and trust me it wasn’t Bob Kane, must have been that little kid you could never shoot with your finger gun because he was always bullet proof or you missed or his mom was calling him or you weren’t watching when he became everything proof.  Either way you put it I hated that kid and it bothers me when a fictional character cant be beaten.  So Batman was supposed to be like 10 Bruce Lees, I don’t think so.  Even Bruce Lee said that unless a person has more than 2 arms or 2 legs its all the same style of fighting. 

Maybe I’m just being a child, maybe I just like Superman way more, or maybe its just too much of a stretch for me… Don’t even get me started on Robin!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

How Low Self Esteem Makes You Look Confident

I was recently enlightened to the notion that I exude a sense of low self-esteem. Crap. Or is it by design?

 Most people think that the thing to strive for is happiness but that seems false to me because happiness and high self-esteem are fleeting.  Nothing goes away faster than happiness but sadness and low self-esteem can last forever.  I say “low self-esteem” but how I define it is just a critical introspection and a harsh self-awareness of ones own flaws. Is that low self-esteem or just critical self-awareness? The key to appearing confident with all this low self-esteem is to make peace with all your own flaws.

I don’t think that self esteem is linear but circular. If you took a line and put high self-esteem on one end and low self-esteem on the other end then took that line and bent it into a circle you would have the circle of self esteem.  If you notice that high and low self esteem are right next to each other, meaning that if you aren’t paying attention they look the same.  And there it is, that’s how low self esteem makes you look confident.

Its not just regular low self esteem either, anyone can mope around feeling gloomy, its gotta be really low to the point that you have stopped caring about self esteem all together.  Low self esteem stops being a fault and becomes a virtue when you let go of all the pretentions that come with feeling sorry for yourself and when you really stop caring what others think.  Lots of things change when this happens like you will stop walking around with your head down because you don’t care who’s looking at you, you dress the way you really want to because nobody cares what you’re clothes looks like.  When you’re self esteem is low enough, you realize that you’re bulletproof because there is nothing anyone can do or say to hurt your feelings.  You don’t walk around with a false confidence that high self esteem brings but with real confidence because you’ve accepted who you really are and you don’t care if anyone accepts it or not.  Now that you know the secret, enjoy.

Is that what happiness feels like, or contentment?  Don’t ask me, it’s all low self-esteem to me.

…I just want to add something real quick. Who the hell has high self-esteem?  I want to know who these deluded people are. Am I the only one that thinks that the proper human response to life is constant self-examination with almost a paranoid preoccupation with a fear of being part of the problem.  If a few more people were like that the world might be a better place or they might even think twice before doing harm to others.  I don’t understand high self-esteem because it seems like a blindness to the animal we all are inside.  Some of us keep a hyper vigilance on the animal inside so we can keep it at bay but maybe this is just the animal lashing out.

Maybe… this is just me exuding low self esteem again.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

How To Draw Cartoons- Drawing Cartoon Hands Made Simple

 Everybody can learn to draw.  I believe that because I believe there is nothing special to anything that I know.  We all know the old say about “practice, practice, practice” but that advice is useless if you have no knowledge of the some basics. Without anything to practice there is no way you can get better, most people don’t know where to start and that’s why people always say I cant draw anything.  All it takes is a little resolve and some practice and you could learn to draw anything. But today I’m gonna show you my hands.

Some of the hardest things to draw are always the hands.  If you’re anything like me this is going to be a difficult area for you all your life.  Sometimes you even end up with the choice between dealing with hands or drawing nothing but shy characters with their hands always behind their backs. But that gets old.  I thought hands were difficult until I learned the secret to drawing cartoon hands… you ready for the secret… don’t get ahead of me. Here it is, the secret is the O and the J.  Does that seem too simple, I’m over simplifying but the basic building blocks to the cartoon hand are the O and the J.  I will show you now with a basic rock, paper, scissors of hand movements.

 O and J.  Simple enough!



Monday, February 16, 2015

Fat Dudes Tips For Picking Up Chicks

These are tips from a fat dude for fat dudes.  I looked everywhere for something to help a fat brother out but I never did find anything that would even remotely help.  That’s why I have chosen to bestow upon you (the reader) the little bit of knowledge and experience I have with being a fat dude trying to pick up chicks.  Before we get started with this list there are a few things that you have to know before we get into it, I am not a Casanova type guy that is always looking for the next chick or anything like that, I’m just a regular fat dude that has known a lot of other fat guys that just seem to feel bad for themselves and blame all the wrong things for them being lonely.  With that said I think its time to drop some knowledge! (yea, modesty is a problem for me)

Tip #1- Don’t change for anyone
This should go without saying but when it comes to low self esteem it has to be said.  Just be yourself, there is a reason the people around you like you.  The only time this does not apply is if you are a major, and I mean major, dick.  If you walk around as an enormous dick and blame everyone else then you might want to change but other than that just be yourself.  If you’re weird then just be weird, if you’re awkward then be awkward, there is gonna be somebody that likes it. Trust me.

The rest of these might seem like someone trying to change you but that is not my intention.  Think of it as highlighting your best personality traits and getting rid of roadblocks that you have put in your own way. That being said lets continue…

Tip #2- Have Balls
This one is the most important! If you just do this one and none of the others you will be in a much better place than most shy and awkward people.  There is no trick to it, its just having the balls to go up to someone you find attractive and saying, Hi.  Some of it is just that simple, life isn’t a romantic comedy where a grand gesture must be made every time or it has to be some weird coincidence.  There is a reason good women sometimes end up with crappy people, its because crappy people are too stupid to not have balls.  So take a lesson from horrible people and have some balls.

Tip #3- Being Funny Helps… A Lot
Look if you’re a fat dude then odds are you have a pretty developed sense of humor already.  Don’t be afraid to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine (sorry that’s a song).  I don’t know about you but I have always used humor to deal with all the things in my life and chances are you do too, it’s the only way to stay sane sometimes.  So open with a joke, get her laughing with you.  Have you ever met a funny person that you didn’t want to hang out with again?

Tip #4- Rejection Is Just Part Of It
Time for a hard dose of reality, Rejection is just part of it.  Sorry.  Even the best of the best get turned down.  Heres how I have always dealt with this.  Getting rejected is just like getting punched in the chest,  the first time it happens it might knock you off your feet and hurt a lot.  The good news is the more it happens the less it matters to you, you might go from the equivalent of a 3rd grader getting punched in the chest to a Pro Fighter getting punched in the chest.  They both hurt but the Pro Fighter knows how to shake it off and keep moving.  Be a Pro Fighter and learn to shake off the rejection because when its all said and done it’s a numbers game.

That’s all the tips I have for you right now.  If there is anything else anyone would like to add just post it in the comments. Now get out there and have fun!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Top 5 Things To Buy Youself For Valentines Day To Make Other People Feel Weird

Its that time of the year again when all the couples in your life become the most annoying that they can be.  For single people Valentines day is more than just a loneliness reminder is a cultural finger wagging in your face telling you that everything that you’re doing is wrong.  I have to say it, I hate Valentines Day! The day drives me up the wall not because of what people say but because of what they don’t say.  When people ask what you’re gonna do for Valentines Day and you respond with nothing, that’s when the questions come. Questions like “why aren’t you going to do anything? Do you have a girlfriend? Why don’t you go get one?”  Ugh, it’s a choice not an accident (do all lonely people tell themselves that?).

But if you don’t want to get left out of the festivities or at least just make fun of all the “happy” people I’ve got some ideas for you. Here is my top 5 list of things to buy yourself to make your nearby  VD ers jealous or just feel weird.  That’s what I’m gonna call people that celebrate Valentines Day… VD ers.

5. Flowers
This one is always fun for yourself. Choose a single person you know with an extensive dating history and send them a bouquet of flowers.  Sound too normal? Make sure the card says “see you real soon. From You Know Who.”  The key to this one is never letting them know it was you.

4. A Cheap Fake Diamond
Buy a cheap fake diamond ring and tie it to a string and leave it on the floor and see if you can lead someone around for a while and then tell them you were kidding and you cant wait for your second date. Creepy but funny.

3. Underwear Tears  
This one isn’t really buying anything for yourself but you should go to a highly populated store and then go to a VD underwear display and start crying.  When people ask why you’re crying tell them a close relative died on Valentines Day performing a sex act.  Feel free to choose any relative but I would go with someone I don’t like very much just in case your words make it happen. Lol.

2. The Windowless Van
Rent or borrow a windowless van and just drive around hitting on girls.  No one in their right mind would get into a windowless van but maybe VD will be different.

1. Sex Toy

Having a sex toy delivered to yourself at work from a “secret admirer.” Make sure its really big and floppy so you can run around the office accusing people of sending it to you while you shake it in their faces.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

What Is Binge Eating Disorder?

I was just watching tv when I saw a commercial about B.E.D. and my first thought was what the hell is B.E.D.?  It turns out it stands for Binge Eating Disorder.  I always knew binge eating was a problem but I never saw it as a disorder. Erectile Dysfunction, now that’s a disorder! Binge eating disorder will lead to naps and happiness, give me a break.  If binge eating is going to become a medically diagnosed problem, we all know whats going to follow... Next thing is fat being a disease.

I don’t see how binge eating is a medical problem. Binge eating is the result of doing everything you always wanted to do in your life because its setting your inhibitions aside for a minute to do something that is going to make you very happy (maybe just for a few minutes).  We can all agree binge eating isn’t good for you but you know anything is not a serious medical disorder when an average drunk could diagnose it between slamming beers. 

I couldn’t believe it when I saw the commercial because I was watching Hulu Plus and Hulu starts a new episode of something when you finish the last thing and the next something has a tendency to be Saturday Night Live.  So I had to check and make sure that this was a real commercial and not just some joke from SNL.  I just don’t understand this thing, mostly because I’m a fat dude.  The definition of binge eating describes a feeling of being out of control, which is untrue.  I binge eat, or as I like to think of it Happy Hour, and I never feel out of control.  Binge eating isn’t about being powerless and out of control that’s S&M (sounds like a candy, “did you finish the S&M’s”).  Binge eating is more about turning off your brain and enjoying something on an almost animal level, that’s not out of control… is it?

This may just be a personal opinion but it seems like people keep trying to prescribe drugs just for personality defects.    Are people boring the crap out of you and you cant pay attention, it must be ADD and later the H was added because some people just couldn’t sit still. Are you sad, theres a pill for that?  Are you weird, theres a pill for that.  Are you fat then you must have B.E.D. have some drugs.  Give me a break!

I can cure all these problems real fast.  Go for a jog, get laid, make some friends and get a hobby.  And for crying out loud stop eating so much! Now all I have to do is take my own advice, stupid B.E.D. is trying to cut into my Happy Hour.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Big And Tall Shirt

I’m a fat dude (no need to beat around the bush) and it is so hard to find a good t-shirt that I really like.  I used to go hunting for t-shirt treasure but store after store of nothing.  Even the stores that did have something in my size it was never something I wanted.  Outside of licensed stuff like comic book characters and cartoons it was so hard to find something unique that I really liked.  The problem with most plus size shirts is that there is a limited amount of the stuff so all the big people are all dressed the same. Nobody wants to dress the same especially us fat people, we would all just end up looking like Comic Con just let out for lunch and the sweatier you are the faster they let you back in.  I’ve had it happen to me and I gotta tell you I hate seeing another fat person wearing the same shirt because then everybody just assumes you guys are friends.

Most of the big shirts you find are so uninspired but even if you go on the internet most people don’t have the right sizes. It was one of the most aggravating things to me is having to find a fun or cool shirt in my size that just might be, God forbid, unique too.  So I did something about it.

I went looking for shirts that I liked which was just the first step in a whole process which is more than just a shirt that fits. Its not that hard to find a shirt that fits but its hard to find a shirt that fits and you like it.  I have shirts from the big and tall store but the neck is huge and just drapes like a blanket, its almost like they closed up a snuggie and called it a t-shirt.  That’s drives me crazy because then the wind becomes your arch nemesis.  Every time the wind blows it blows your shirt as if it was Marilyn Monroe’s dress over a vent and you’re standing there trying to hold it down  while simultaneously telling yourself that there is nothing weird about this. No Thank You! I wanted a shirt with a tighter neck and a thicker feel, something I generally just wanted. The size was an issue too, I wear a 5xlt and that is a hard size to find that a manufacturer just didn’t give up on.

After that the next step was putting something funny on the shirt that made it stand out from the crowd.  The internet has a ton of people with websites selling shirts with heat transfers and other things from great shirts to pieces of crap.  Screen printed shirts last the longest, all of the screen printed shirts I own the image has outlasted the shirt everytime.  Even the image or design is usually not that unique because if you notice most of the most popular designs you will find are all just copies of each other.  I get tired of seeing the same things over and over and over. I would much rather take a risk at coming up with my own funny designs and risk that some of them may not be funny or some of them may be over the line but I can sleep at night knowing that they are my jokes and my drawings. 

Finding a good plus size shirt is so hard to find that is why I took it upon myself to make the exact thing that I wanted to wear.  A shirt I enjoy the way it was made and the quality of it along with my own screen printed joke design that makes the exact statement that I have always wanted to make for myself.  Supplying people with the weirdest jokes that I can come up with on the best shirts I can find are exactly the way I want to contribute to making the world a better place. 

That is why Smelly Finger T-shirts is here to fit your needs because big shirts are hard to find, so why not make people laugh and/or feel awkward just for the fun of it.

find it here at