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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Real Men Drink Energy Drinks?

According to a study Red Bull (energy drinks) doesn’t give you wings it gives you balls. I must have missed this train, when the hell did drinking energy drinks start making everybody all manly. I had an energy drink once and it made me so jittery it look like I was pop locking everywhere I went. I don’t get it, I grew up with a dad that worked all the time and being tired was a sign that you did a hard day of work. I’ve even worked hard a little in my day (I know I cant believe it either) and it feels good to get home after a hard day of work, what the hell is all the energy for. Maybe the Mormons are right (theres something I never thought I would say) when you grow that dependent on a substance you can consider it a drug. So, when does drug use make you a man?

I know I’m going to sound like an old bastard with this but there is this image of a man that is being portrayed nowadays. When I was a kid it was the cigarette smoking cowboy and now it’s the axe smelling energy drinker. My first question is where did the cowboy go, at least they make good movies. But I understand it’s the same thing just with a different product. I blame MMA for this one, all mma fighters look like they smell like Axe body spray and stripper glitter. They may be sponsored by energy drinks but do you actually think when they’re training they actually drink that garbage, of course not. What is it about consuming concentrated amounts of caffeine and god knows what else that makes you a man.

Also according to the study, men that align themselves with other “manly” things are less likely to drink energy drinks, isn’t that weird. Are your balls so small that you have to hug the leg of a giant caffeine daddy just so you can feel like a man. Men that described themselves as “Jocks” or were members of fraternities were less likely to drink as many energy drinks. If somebody can help me figure this out because I don’t get it, we all self medicate but energy drinks help make you feel like a man because it comes in a cool can and is related to being cool, give me a break.

If you’re tired drink it, if you like the taste drink it, if you’re thirsty drink it but if you walk around with your chest puffed a little more (to be fair that might also be the super fast beating heart) because of an energy drink, put it down and reevaluate your life.

If your drinking Red Bull to be more manly remember Red Bull gives you wings!!!! (just not the kind you fly with)

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Guns Don’t Save People, People With Balls Do!

I love the gun control debate because there is no debate. Everyone has become a preacher and they are all bringing the gospel truth of the way guns should be used. These people have started to become as preachy as the Mormons coming to your front door just spewing their rehearsed scripts. The only thing they arent doing is destroying your Saturday morning cartoon and cereal marathons but they don’t have to because they have infected almost everyone you know.

Let me remind you that I am nobody and my opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. With that being said I believe that the true answer to the gun debate is….. Are you ready for it….. Here it comes…….4.…3.…2.…1.… and here it is…….Balls! Yup, balls, I think balls can solve a lot of the problems that people try to fix with guns. Take the Columbine kids, these kids no matter how unstable were bullied and they decided to end it all. What could have changed the outcome of this whole thing, that’s right, balls. If just one of these kids had the balls to take a baseball bat to the knees of one of their athlete bullies, the bully problem would have been solved. There would have been a storm of consequences that would have come from doing that but that’s where the balls come in. It doesn’t take balls to retaliate, it takes balls do deal with consequences. Like I said take it with a grain of salt, a baseball bat to the knees is no solution but compared to what happened it doesn’t really seem like a big deal.

Heres the other thing. If you knew that pulling out a gun wouldn’t send anyone cowering behind cover you would think twice about pulling it out. If you run into a liquor store and pull a gun out and no one hit’s the ground, not only that they begin to charge you and you’re not prepared to kill someone chances are you’re going to run away. A person or two might go down but the message will be sent….balls! Mass shooting have huge numbers because most people are hit running away. Fight or flight, most people choose flight. This is all theoretical I am saying nothing bad about victims of senseless crimes, just my simple black and white theories.

The gun debate has become such a joke with everyone just trying to push their agenda and not really caring what exactly is done to the people of this country. The right says everyone needs guns, the left says no one needs guns, and like all things in this life the truth lies somewhere in the middle but no one is willing to just have a normal talk with the attempt to hear and be heard. Let someones opinion affect you don’t just stay hard nosed with a plan in mind.

But hey what do you expect from a country that just a couple decades ago didn’t want to pee in the same bathroom as black people and where a state like Arizona can almost make it illegal to look Hispanic.

Guns don’t save people, people with balls do!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Who Cares About The Oscars?

Am I the only one that doesn’t care about the Oscars. I mean honestly who cares, there are way more important things going on in the world, I could tell you if I knew what they were. I watch tv and I love movies but really who cares about the people in them. The best part of the oscars is know that after they show telling people I don’t watch them leaves us with nothing to talk about. Good.

How the hell are there all these industries built around the lives of people that pretend to be other people for money. Hey I pretended to be a president all you guys should follow me around and pay attention to what kind of latte I buy.

All the celebrities look like they statues of the ancient greek gods. Maybe those were all the greek Oscars. They gave the Zeus to the best actor, best war movie gets the Ares and so on. I really hope the world ends soon because I’m afraid of what future societies will think of our culture. They paid no attention to social issues but they were glued to the Oscars. (in alien voice) the oscars were when they would take the best pretenders of the make believe stories that everybody thought they were good enough to be in, and put them all in a room and made sure all the men dressed exactly alike and the women would do their best to show off their reproductive organs while wearing the most fabric possible. Once they all get in one room they all look at the few of them that get a small golden carving of an ambiguous male likeness , all the while everyone who couldn’t get in beg, cry, fight, scorn and make fun of everyone inside trying to get in or in hopes of one day to get an invitation.

Sorry I’ll just watch something else. Who cares?

Friday, February 22, 2013

Michael Bay Is Raping My Childhood Again

Just heard some news, Megan Fox is going to be playing the role of April O’neil in the Michael Bay abortion of your childhood called Ninja Turtles. That is right folks, Megan Fox, the slow motion queen of the Transformer movies. Can I be the first to say that if Michael Bay remakes an X-Men movie I call for REVOLUTION!!!

What the hell!! First you kill Jazz in Transformers, then you destroy the awesomeness that is Devastator in the second and the last movie was so lack luster it was amazing. Now your going to go after the Ninja Turtles. I challenge you Michael Bay, make a better movie than the original. With all its flaws the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was way better than any of the Transformers movies.

I think at this point Michael Bay should be brought up on charges for being a pedophile because he’s raping all of our childhoods. I don’t understand what is so hard about keeping to the original storyline. Is it because you didn’t come up with it? I’ve got news for you Mr. Bay, your imagination sucks! The transformation in Transformers was cool but that movie seems like it was made by somebody that hated all of the characters. Let me tell you something Mr. Bay, the Ninja Turtles were born in the time of the self published comic book, the originals were black and white but the characters were so great that they just struck a chord with the children and the child inside of us and you, Mr. Bay, smeared your mind feces all over all of my favorite childhood heroes. Now you want to taint this one.

To be fair I’m gonna watch this movie and more than likely really enjoy it because I’m not one of those people that are critical of every little thing in a movie. I even like movies that suck (that might be why I own the first 2 Transformers movies). As a fan I would just like a little respect, like with Batman or the first few Superman movies (not the last one, I tried to like it but not so much). Or hey maybe even the X-men movies, the third was good but not as great. There are a ton of movies that were treated with respect but if you want another example of a movie that can be destroyed by the lead female, Green Lantern. Jessica Alba almost destroyed Fantastic Four, whats her face from the Spider-Man movies….. Kristen Dunst (I had to look it up). Watchmen was almost perfect (I can do without the cock and balls next time), Rebecca Romijn was perfect as Mystique, Halle Berry was awesome as Storm.

I could go on and on but the point is that it can be done right…… SO DO IT RIGHT MICHAEL BAY!!!!!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Google Glasses Are Awesome And A Little Strokey?

With the end date nearing the Google Glass contest, which ends the 27th via twitter with the hash tag #ifihadglass and 50 words or less, I began to ponder the possibilities. The entire competition is based around what you do if you had some google glasses. Now this is a question I can answer.

The first thing I would probably do, as I do with all my sunglasses, is sit on them. There has only been 1 or 2 pairs of sunglasses that I have not destroyed with the junk in my trunk. I even lost a pair after sitting on them I think they got caught to my pants and fell out of the car, just lost forever. I now have a car with a compartment where I can store sunglasses so that’s 1 problem solved, maybe.

The next thing I would do with them is always have them in my pocket in their adamantium case (shout out to the people that get that reference). These things cost $1500, why on earth would I ever put my computer on my face. I’m a cheap bastard, the only thing that cost $1500 or over is my car and to top it off my car costed more than my house. I would never keep these glasses in my car because I would be devastated it they were both stolen at the same time. Might I add that I live in the hood, if I have anything worth this much on me its because its tucked under my gut where no one will ever look (awww sad face).

So the question is what would you do with Google Glasses, like everyone else that wears them I would probably look like I had a stroke too. If you have watched any of the videos about it you can notice that when people are wearing them they stop using that side of their face, making themselves look like a stroke victim. Looking like you had a Stroke thanks to Google can be the new hot look. “Hey look at that guy hes not blinking his right eye, he must be cool!” The Google Glasses also have a microphone on them so it’s a matter of time before they become a phone, at least when that happens I can call my phone to find out that I’m sitting on my sunglasses. That means someone will be wearing broken phone glasses because they can afford another phone….. I cant wait!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Internet Junky Itch

Study in china shows that internet addicts suffer from withdrawal symptoms similar to those of a drug addict. That’s right you heard me like a drug addict, time to grab your laptop or ipad and a box of condoms and start cruising the not so hot spots or wait for an internet black out. Once they start getting that junkie itch…. You’re so in.

The effects of the “comedown” are very similar to what people experienced when coming down from ecstasy. These of course are from the obsessive users of the internet (not me of course I can quit at anytime). This is almost crazy if it didn’t make so much sense. I used to work in the computer lab at my local library. Those people got real crazy when you would take away their internet, which just happened to be my favorite part of the job. Usually when you put a group of like minded individuals together they will become a community, not in the case of the internet user. Maybe its because using the internet has become such a personal thing when people invade our space during “alone time” we tend to get angry, kinda like driving a car. I think we should name this change of mood or withdrawal “bored rage.”

My question is what the hell are you doing on the internet that you’re like a drug addict. I mean I can understand spending a whole day on the net out of boredom or weird searches but all the time. You can only watch so many cat videos and read status updates and tweets before you just start getting really bored and begin hating everyone you know for not having more interesting lives. Sometimes it seems like I’m the only one that gets on the computer and daydreams for a few minutes while staring at the screen before I realize I have nothing to do on the computer.

Its because of this that we should be thanking cyber bullies. Thanks to cyber bullies there are a ton of kids that are never going to have this problem (I’m obviously not talking about the ones that get truly traumatized because we all know something was gonna get em). As much as we hate cyber bullies they are just nature/evolutions way of dealing with certain problems. For every drug addict there is a person that had to deal with them and will never do drugs because of them. Cyber bullies arent a handful of butt holes, I mean they are, they are just curing you of your ridiculous obsession with the internet. See who says a small penis and an internet connection are useless, thanks cyber bullies.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Evolution And Chainsaws

I just read an article on Discovery News that was talking about how our ancestors had better teeth than we do. That just seems like a no brainer because our ancestors never had to deal with a meth addiction did they. They also didn’t have to deal with preservatives and sugar….. I think. Its not that hard to have better teeth than us nowadays. But that seems like a shameful thing to admit because our ancestors smelled like poop because they threw it in anger and fire was like their ipod.

Dentists are more like a tire store fixing a flat than preventing horrible things happening to your teeth. A dentist is there to fix all the problems you are having or even pulling out your teeth and putting in new ones, no one really sees a problem with that. What the hell are we doing to our teeth as a people that we have to food and stress proof our teeth.

I have even met a guy that had two rows of teeth, he made me feel bad about complaining about my poor crooked teeth, I don’t really complain but this guys just made me feel bad. He looked like someone pulled him out of the old total recall, you know the one with crazy deformed people not the one that looks like it was filmed inside of people magazine. It seems to be a fairly common thing to have two rows of teeth. Im guessing this is evolution, this could be nature trying to save us a little money on the dentists or this is the step just before teeth start moving like the chain of a chainsaw. I don’t know about you but I am looking forward to the chainsaw teeth because one day our chainsaw teeth offspring are going to look back on us and wonder how we ate with just one row of non moving teeth.

Bring it on evolution!

Monday, February 18, 2013

What Did You Get For Valentines Day.... Meteors!

The planet almost got hit with an asteroid after valentines day. How perfect would that have been for all the people that already hate that holiday. Just a bunch of wondering in love buffoons staring each other in the eyes the night before waking up in regret, only to find they spent the rent money on some overpriced unappreciated gift that’s going to end up in a drawer anyway. As all the regret and universal loneliness sets in, a rock come hurling from deep space right at your apartment and destroys the world. The perfect end to the perfect holiday….. As long as you’re single.

When I first heard of these rocks I really started hoping that the Mayans were just a few months off. I look forward to the end of the world not because I’m a fundamentalist or anything, if anything I’m a bad christian for wanting to see people get hit with a big rock (fingers crossed), but because an asteroid is the only thing that is anti-everything. No matter how much you hate stuff you don’t want to destroy it yourself but an asteroid will destroy people that don’t believe in global warming and the green movement, it will destroy Christians muslims and atheists…..perfect. It’s the only fair thing left in the universe.

Seeing people get hit with a rock must be how the people in the middle east feel, that must be why they keep chunking rocks at each other. For a single person on valentines day an asteroid hitting the earth would just be another day of misery. If you‘re in a relationship an asteroid hitting the earth means God feels like cashing in your “till death do you part” chips in early…. Lucky you. Don’t get me wrong if I were in a relationship I would still be miserable its just that an asteroid on valentines day would be the best gift, really.