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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Your Not The Hero Of Your Story

“I am the villain of the story”- Lex Luthor

“Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to brute strength ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool.” - Scar

We all like to believe that we are the Hero character in the movie of our life. The more I think about it the more I think we‘re not. In a typical movie the Hero character has to battle for a cause whether it’s the love of a woman/man or its against evil the typical ending is riding off into the sunset after winning or giving his life so everyone else can live happily ever after….. What a bunch of crap, my life isn’t like that at all.

As a culture this mentality gets engrained in us from a very young age with cartoons and all the garbage that disney pushes down your kids throat. I believe that’s why it is so hard for people to be generous and giving. Why should they have to be generous and giving because if you were the hero of your story like they are of their story you would have plenty already. Certain religions and feel good morons try to tell you the same thing that being good brings you good things. So if that is how certain knuckle draggers see the world its no wonder there can be a feeling of hate towards the poor.

The most appealing thing about the hero is that they don’t have to be smart…. That means anybody can be a hero. You just need to be brave, usually a little short sighted, and, the number one ability, you need to look like a hero. Take a look at tv and the movies when have you ever seen an ugly hero…. Almost never unless they are an antihero. Go ahead, think of an ugly icon in America, there are not many. When a government can call someone a terrorist and do whatever they like with them, that’s short sighted. A few years after Alexander the Greats death his empire had to endure more or less 40 years of civil war… was Alexander a hero to his people, you don’t get the title “the Great” because your not, but was he short sighted, maybe.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying everyone else is evil or a villain. I’m just saying if you take a good look at your life your going to find that there is more of a chance that you are the Joker rather than Batman. I have been thinking about this for a while and I compare myself to the Lion King. Like everyone else you either see yourself in the Mufasa role or the Simba role. But thinking about it I most identified with the Scar character. I don’t think that I’m a slime ball or anything but like him I’m not the first born, I have no kids, and I’m single. The similarities don’t stop there, I tend to make friends with outsiders because they’re more interesting than the regular people.

Mufasa fit’s the hero role, he’s good lookin, brave, and not too bright. Scar was able to create a whole plot to kill Mufasa and banish his son. I actually thought that was a pretty good plan, not that I would ever do it but it was pretty good. What I think is most funny is Scar represents the nobodies taking their shot to be a somebody and its vilified. But the disconcerting thing about it is I identified with the villain rather than the hero. Sometimes your not the king, sometimes you’re the person that dethrones him.

This is actually why Christianity has always been appealing to me but very rarely “Christians.” A shallow understanding of the bible can lead to all sorts or things…. Like Mormonism. But Christianity grants two face people the opportunity that they crave and that is to show off their holier than thou face. And in most cases in order for me to be good you must be Bad. A solid understanding of the bibles teachings show you than your not the hero, Jesus is. The devils partner in crime is you and Jesus is the Hero of your story. Real Christianity is simple like that.

Jesus Christ as the Hero is perfect because He's not the typical hero. He’s not brave in the sense that he will beat up some bad guys, he’s not handsome but more average looking(don’t believe the paintings), and unlike most heroes he is really really smart(stumping the scholars of his day with his questions). Now that is my kind of Hero.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

How To Tell A Joke

Telling a joke is easy, its math. 1+1=2 what that means is you need a premise, set up and then punch line.

All you need to know is what all those things mean and then you will be on your way to telling funny jokes all the time. First a premise is just the basic idea of the joke kind of like a subject. For example yo momma is so fat…… the premise to any of these jokes obviously yo momma being fat and how fat yo momma is.

Next is the set up. The set up is much like misdirection in magic. Like the previous example yo momma is so fat……. This is the entire set up before you get to the end. The set up sets up the audience to expect to go one way right before you go another. If done correctly a set up should be invisible and just sound like a story. In my opinion the set up should always be as short as possible and if it drags too long you can lose the laugh.

Last but not least is the punch line. The punch line is the is the sex of the joke, its what all the dates are for. The punch line is why the audience should laugh. The reason the curve ball is so successful in baseball is because it is structured like a joke. The batter sees the ball coming down straight and at the last second the ball curves off and the batter strikes out. The punch line is the where the joke curves off unexpectedly and the result is the laugh.

If the punch line is the sex that would make the laugh the orgasm. There is no good joke that doesn’t at some point get a laugh. A joke without a laugh is just a thought that should be forgotten. The whole reason for being for a joke is the laugh. Keep writing until you get a laugh.

Guy goes to the proctologist. Proctologist says, “I’m sorry but you have a growth that I’m really worried about” guy says, “that’s my nose, get your fingers out of my mouth”

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Business Inspirations- Charles “Mask” Lewis -“Simply Believe”

“The fact that your mind is limited, doesn’t limit me.”

There is one guy that I have seen that wasn’t out to make money with motivation, not directly. One of my favorite quotes of his is “Let it be said that I encouraged people to encourage.” These words from Mask were revolutionary for me because I come from a world of spite. Its easier not to care and take all the malicious things someone says as motivation follow your dreams and throw it back in those peoples faces, like that fat guy at the gym that keeps repeating to himself, “I’ll show her.”

“I’m only here so you can be better than you thought you could be.” This one hit me to my core. I have never known this man and yet he is one of the biggest inspirations of my life. I know he was about his business but most people will just sponsor a fighter because they believe in them as a fighter not as a person. Mask was always promoting growth for all people around him.

The way this man carried himself and his business really makes you believe him and in yourself. He never knew me but he taught me so much through example that spite will never get you as far as belief will. Not even a belief that you can be successful but that its possible to enjoy your life and do what you want to do. “As long as your relationship minded and not accomplishment minded”

“Watch out for the lonely dreamer, for he can change the world."

“Just ‘cause you weren’t born with a Silver spoon in your mouth doesn’t mean you can’t turn your roads to Gold.”

Rest In Peace Charles "MASK" Lewis 1963-2009

Friday, September 16, 2011

Rebecca Black Had It Right

For as horrible as Rebecca Blacks song “Friday” was, I think she had it right. Now I’m not saying it was a good song but the exact opposite. I think this song should be so horrible its enlightening. Modern pop music is such a horrible assembly line approach to music. All the way from people like Lady Gaga to Kanye West. When did mediocrity become art.

Lets take Lady Gaga, this lady is just a mix of Madonna from the 80’s and a bit of Christina Aguileras voice. There is nothing original about how “crazy” this lady is. Being eccentric is nothing new, especially in the music industry. But I have never heard little kids misuse the word “artist” so much as to when it comes to Lady Gaga. Don’t get me wrong I have much respect for anyone that has real talent but Lady Gagas look to music is just a rip off of what I saw when I was a kid, which I’m sure was a rip off too because when has the music industry ever had an original idea.

Kanye West is the best of the worst in my opinion. There is no one I loathe more in the music industry and I’m not even talking about the “look at me” antics that had to do with Taylor Swift. This guys whole gimmick is what is wrong with the world today. Nobody wants to put the work in to come up with something creative and new but rather literally take pieces of something good and old to make something bland out of it. Kanyes music is the equivalent to the Olive Garden, it looks like it should be good but it lacks any real flavor.

For all these reasons Rebecca Black is the pinnacle of modern pop music. Rebecca Black just brought to the forefront the small little thought in the back of your mind about all this music and that is, “ this sucks but its better than silence.” Rebecca Black just made it obvious with bad lyrics, a poor beat, and a weird face. She just brought the 3 strikes to the table where everyone else was skating by with 2.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Nightmares That Make You Go To Church

This isn’t a continuation of my older bog series about the Shadow but this is one that I had a few nights ago that freaked me out just as much as one about the shadow. The shadow may not have been in this one but the feeling was the same as the ones that he is in, so I think his essence was there. The shadow is a dark force that creeps into some of my dreams that always effects me to my core and whatever it was in this one felt exactly the same.

The dream started out at a sort of hospital with two waiting rooms on opposite sides of the building. There was a dream going on before this but I don’t really remember what it was about but the nightmare started as I entered the waiting room to the far left. The doors were automatic sliding doors like the kind at a Wal-Mart. As soon as I walked in I noticed a group of red hooded people some sitting some looking but I was unable to see the faces of any of them. While standing there observing them another group of them started walking past me at this point the other people in the waiting room started getting scared and leaving and it made me wonder who they were. Just as one of them was passing me they stopped and I knew it was because of me. The hooded person standing within arms length and turning around toward me I was paralyzed by curiosity and fear. Expecting something that looked like the monster from The Village, it turned out to be a blonde girl. Dead blue eyes piercing right through me with a blank expression somehow communicating to the others without words as the rest of them begin to turn. Finally my fear gives way to survival and I turn and run out of that waiting room to the other waiting room. (the hooded girls don’t come back, they just seemed to set the tone for the rest of the dream)

The other waiting room is full of people and they are all whispering, “who are they,” and “where did they come from.” I could only assume that they were referring to the group of hooded girls. After I walked into the room I realized they were not talking about the hooded girls but a group of children that seemed to appear out of nowhere. There were no records for or of these kids, no parents and not even they knew who they were. They just stood there in their pajamas like they expected to be there. There was no panic out of any of them but there was sense of dread, like they knew something was coming.

In this waiting room there were two exits, the one I came through and another one around the corner to the help desk. At the other door there came a pounding and some screams. Once again paralyzed by fear I stood there with the kids and the rest of the crowd to see what was coming. A man turns the corner with the look of a zombie but it was something darker. It killed people on its way in and it was looking for a new host. No one moved as it came stumbling toward us dragging its feet with its sights set on the children. I couldn’t let that happen, I had to stop it.

I got up from my chair and kicked this thing in the stomach to push it against a wall where I began to throw fist after fist to its face. All of it doing nothing so I start just trying to push it outside when it happened. The dream was a little fuzzy on this part so I’m not sure if it entered me or I became the monster but either way I am now the monster. I can feel my consciousness begin to lose its control so while I had control of the body I ran as fast and as hard as I could down a hall. I was looking for a room with everything I needed so I ran into what I remember as a bathroom. There on the floor was what I was looking for, rope. I tie it to a fixture as fast as I can and then around my neck without thinking twice about it. I turned out I had to climb over the top of the stall so the rope could loop around and there would be no slack so I got on the toilet and climbed the stall wall. As soon as I reached he top I let myself fall over the other side and the rope tightened around my and I could no longer breathe. I was aware of everything while my vision dimmed and I gasped for air. I knew it was almost over as soon as I closed my eyes and gave in the struggle would finally be over. Just as my eyes began to close I saw 2 little things fly into the room. One of them was red and they were both small. I could feel their nails dig into my thighs as they dug their nails in to steady themselves. I don’t know who or what they were but they were there to stop me from killing the monster. They began slicing at my eyes with razors and I could feel it, it literally hurt my eyes to be in this part of the dream. The more they sliced the more my eyes hurt and they dug and scraped until my eye lids were completely removed.

At this point they were gone and I could see my body and what they did. They turned me into a toy with eyes wide open so the next child to find me could be the next host to whatever it was.

This dream totally freaked me out when I woke up and my right eye hurt like crazy. The part I thought was the craziest though is I had two little scratches on my cheek when I woke up.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

There Is No Halfway In Life

I used to work in a court ordered halfway house. I’m not the smartest person in the world but I never understood what that meant. Was that place halfway between reality and the belief you were getting better. The return rate was so high in that place it made me sick. But that wasn’t the worst part, the management was the worst. I have looked into the eyes of satan and lived. This must be some kind of weird limbo because there is no way that lady was real. The most evil person that I have ever met and she was my boss.

This place existed just outside of jail but before you got to freedom. My boss, the troll, was its gate keeper. She patrolled the halls as if she could look inside the minds of all the poor souls that were at her mercy. I worked midnights with this lady and she had a way of making you want to kill yourself without ever saying anything negative about you. Her daughter was a stripper and a meth addict and those were her redeeming qualities. I would say her life was an episode of Jerry Springer but it would have to be a 2 parter. She would infect you with her depression and by the end of the night you were so mentally exhausted you actually believed they were your problems.

I have always been a relatively quiet person but there were actually bets on how long I would last. I couldn’t believe it when I found out, I beat all the estimates with about 2 years but in that case nobody really wins. That’s all I will say this time but there is more about this “Halfway house.” To Be Continued.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Vans Have The Best Candy- My Newest Favorite T-Shirt

Here is one of my newest T-shirts that’s sold in my Ebay store. I really like this one because of how delightfully inappropriate it is. Statistically you much more likely to be molested by someone you know, with that in mind the guy in the van offering you candy is much safer than staying at Uncle Touchys house.

Never judge a book by its cover especially if there is candy inside. So spread the word about the candy and visit Smelly Finger Tshirts at