Thoughts At A Birthday Party- Pt.3- Let The Awkwardness Begin

We had just gone inside while everyone was outside and I attacked the pizza like it was making fun of my mother. It was a nice peaceful while my sister and I made fun of each other as we always do but like all good things in life, that came to a screeching halt when people began to notice that they don’t have to be outside supervising their kids because who cares if the video game trailer guy drives off while they’re still in there, right?

The first person to come inside other than the people that lived there was a girl that the person throwing the party works with. The sight was funny to me because she lead her in like a mother bringing her child to a playpen full of kids and she said “you have movies in common,” and then left. And in my mind I wanted to raise my hand to ask some questions, “Umm is it OK if I make fun of her? Do you have any toys I can play with? Why don’t you have any hot friends? Is anyone at this party single other than the kids? Is it out of the question to liven this party up with a stripper? Can I borrow a $20? Can you break a $20? Is it mean to leave pizza in my mouth so I don’t have to talk to anybody I don’t want to?” But it turned out that 1^st girl was cool, she did like movies. Then another person came inside and the conversation got a little more awkward, then another person came in and the conversation got a little more awkward, then I think another person came in. I’m not too sure if anyone else came in because at times like this I retreat into a happy place in my mind that runs red with Hawaiian Punch.

All the people in the village in my head don’t talk to me unless they have something really interesting to say and then as a town we all gather to hear the story. If the story sucks we get to throw him out of town into the woods where all the werewolves and vampires from Twilight are always getting eaten up and pooped out by bears and Transformers. Everyone in that town thinks I’m funny, especially Optimus Prime. Its at that moment that I get woken up by a parade of kids and a billboard of dancing pinks and purples that completely obstruct the view of a 40” inch tv about 4 feet away from me. In my head I yell “get the hell out of the way lady!!!” but all I can do is look around to all the people that have gathered around while I was off in my own little world. Time for the Pinata!

Stay tuned later this week for more Thoughts at a birthday party!

Thoughts At A Birthday Party- Pt 2- Lets Get This Party Started

The person throwing the party had rented a video game trailer, I know and yes it was awesome. But they set up chairs outside of the trailer so the adults could sit down and play games, sounds like fun right? Well, lets not forget that I live in Texas, its summer time, and I have what some doctors would call a weight problem (I guess that depends on how you define “problem”). Have you ever broken a chair, I have (sad face) and now you see my problem. I don’t want to sit in these chairs unless they’re made out of oak or steel. This isn’t for any shame reason, like all my justifications, its for practical reasons. If I break this chair I don’t care that people will point and laugh, I’m actually afraid of the chair breaking and one leg left pointing up and stabbing me in the heart like a vampire…. So its not that I don’t want to be made fun of its more like I don’t sit in chairs because I don’t want to die a horrible and gruesome death.

So me and my sister are sitting there playing Mario on the Wii and 2 little kids gather around us. One is just a young Mexican kid and the other looks like a chubby version of Benjamin Button. I say this because he looked like a 35 year old crunched into a 13 year olds body. This kid had a receding hair line that was freaking me out from the moment I saw him. I just looked at him and thought, “your kidding right, no kids have hair like that. That poor kid he’s gonna get made fun of all his life. I kinda wanna make fun of him real hard right now. Isnt he a little old to be a this birthday party. I guess I’m a little old to be at this party and we both have receding hair lines so I guess I cant pass judgment.” It was about this time that one of us made a mistake on Mario (it was probably because I couldn’t concentrate with Captain Hairline right behind me) and this chubby adult posing as a kid started making fun of us. But it wasn’t even in a funny way it was in that nerd, he put his hand over his mouth chuckling and repeating oh I cant believe you missed that while walking in circles. I don’t know where you come from but if you’re gonna talk crap to me and you don’t know me your going to get 1 of 2 things, I’m going to slaughter you with insults until you start crying or punch you in the chest. But I don’t think the judge would take kindly to me saying “well he was being a dick and he looks like he’s in his 30’s, that should count for something, right?”

That’s when I knew it was time to go inside and treat those slices of pizza like my emotions and just eat em.

Stay tuned for more Thoughts at a birthday party!

Thoughts At A Birthday Party

Just recently I went to a childs birthday party which was a bit of a challenge for me because of how socially awkward I can be. The day overall was pretty good but this party just happened to have all the things I’m not comfortable with like kids and adults. The worst thing is that there was one person in particular that had a personal space issue, maybe because she had so many kids ( I guess you lose a sense of personal space when that many people pass through your vagina). I went to this party with my sister and what were supposed to be my niece and nephew but they went out of town (not by themselves) , so we went to a childs birthday party without any children. Do you know what that’s like for me, well you’re going to find out.

The day started off weird because my sister told me to be ready by 10 am and when I woke up at 9:30 I had my first thought of the day, “Dam, 10 is a little too early for a birthday party unless it’s a surprise” but I got ready anyway. On the way to where the party was I was informed that the party didn’t start until 1 pm, at that moment I felt like a puppy being driven away from its owners staring out of the back window thinking about waking up at 12:30. But who cares I’m awake now I thought to myself lets make the best of it. So I was as much help as I usually am, none. Its not that I didn’t want to help but its more like I was using all my concentration not to fart all over this nice persons couch.

Then people started showing up, the dread set in. In walked this little kid with a black eye and he wouldn’t stop looking at me. To my surprise even little kids have the ability to make me self conscious because I immediately started to think, “do I have something on my face. I didn’t eat breakfast today so its not that, maybe its booger or an eye booger. Why does that kid have a black eye? Does he want me to get up? You cant have my spot kid, it already smells like me. I’ve been here since 10 we’re gonna fist fight if you wanna take this seat. Maybe he’s a good fighter and that’s where he got the black eye.” That mental onslaught of thought ended as soon as another kid walked in.

The next kid that walked in came in in a parade of other children, they all seemed to be the same shade of Mexican so I assumed they were siblings. But there was one stand out, this child (I say child because it took me while to figure out if it was a boy or a girl) walked in with what looked to be an American flag draped over it like a weirdly patriotic pancho and a mohawk (my first instinct was to go mosh with it). The Star Spangled Banner started playing in my head and I wanted to stand up and salute it but then the black eye kid would probably take my seat and I would be taken in for child abuse after I sat on him.

This is the end of Part 1 but more to come tomorrow! Stay tuned!

Thoughts In A Wal-Mart

There is almost nothing more depressing than walking through a Wal-Mart if you still cling to hope like a turd to a butt hair. The only other place that such sadness should exist is in the hours after a nuclear attack. Everyone trudges through the aisles of Wal-Mart with only survival on their minds because it isn’t a place you go when your in a hurry.

The following is a series of thoughts walking during a Wal-Mart experience.

“why is there never a place to park in this horrible wasteland” “haha look tube top at 2 o’clock with a 5 o’clock shadow” “why cant I grow hair like her” “can you slit your wrist with an electric razor” “I wonder if she ever got a razor for Christmas and didn’t understand why” “Maybe I should get a jump on Christmas shopping while I’m here” “ oh theres a spot next to that huge truck’ “I always heard big trucks mean small penises” “is the same true for mini trucks” “do I need a basket or should I just kill myself with a rope I find inside” “a lady with a baby next to the door, she must be waiting for her baby daddy” “can you put baby daddy on a resume” “ baby daddy sounds like a guy that started having kids way too early” “my feet hurt” “is it finally gonna happen” “is this the day that I finally start using the scooter” “its an energy saver but I could never look myself in the mirror” “who needs a mirror when you have a scooter” “sorry scooter not today”

To be continued…..

Your Not The Hero Of Your Story

“I am the villain of the story”- Lex Luthor

“Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to brute strength ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool.” - Scar

We all like to believe that we are the Hero character in the movie of our life. The more I think about it the more I think we‘re not. In a typical movie the Hero character has to battle for a cause whether it’s the love of a woman/man or its against evil the typical ending is riding off into the sunset after winning or giving his life so everyone else can live happily ever after….. What a bunch of crap, my life isn’t like that at all.

As a culture this mentality gets engrained in us from a very young age with cartoons and all the garbage that disney pushes down your kids throat. I believe that’s why it is so hard for people to be generous and giving. Why should they have to be generous and giving because if you were the hero of your story like they are of their story you would have plenty already. Certain religions and feel good morons try to tell you the same thing that being good brings you good things. So if that is how certain knuckle draggers see the world its no wonder there can be a feeling of hate towards the poor.

The most appealing thing about the hero is that they don’t have to be smart…. That means anybody can be a hero. You just need to be brave, usually a little short sighted, and, the number one ability, you need to look like a hero. Take a look at tv and the movies when have you ever seen an ugly hero…. Almost never unless they are an antihero. Go ahead, think of an ugly icon in America, there are not many. When a government can call someone a terrorist and do whatever they like with them, that’s short sighted. A few years after Alexander the Greats death his empire had to endure more or less 40 years of civil war… was Alexander a hero to his people, you don’t get the title “the Great” because your not, but was he short sighted, maybe.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying everyone else is evil or a villain. I’m just saying if you take a good look at your life your going to find that there is more of a chance that you are the Joker rather than Batman. I have been thinking about this for a while and I compare myself to the Lion King. Like everyone else you either see yourself in the Mufasa role or the Simba role. But thinking about it I most identified with the Scar character. I don’t think that I’m a slime ball or anything but like him I’m not the first born, I have no kids, and I’m single. The similarities don’t stop there, I tend to make friends with outsiders because they’re more interesting than the regular people.

Mufasa fit’s the hero role, he’s good lookin, brave, and not too bright. Scar was able to create a whole plot to kill Mufasa and banish his son. I actually thought that was a pretty good plan, not that I would ever do it but it was pretty good. What I think is most funny is Scar represents the nobodies taking their shot to be a somebody and its vilified. But the disconcerting thing about it is I identified with the villain rather than the hero. Sometimes your not the king, sometimes you’re the person that dethrones him.

This is actually why Christianity has always been appealing to me but very rarely “Christians.” A shallow understanding of the bible can lead to all sorts or things…. Like Mormonism. But Christianity grants two face people the opportunity that they crave and that is to show off their holier than thou face. And in most cases in order for me to be good you must be Bad. A solid understanding of the bibles teachings show you than your not the hero, Jesus is. The devils partner in crime is you and Jesus is the Hero of your story. Real Christianity is simple like that.

Jesus Christ as the Hero is perfect because He's not the typical hero. He’s not brave in the sense that he will beat up some bad guys, he’s not handsome but more average looking(don’t believe the paintings), and unlike most heroes he is really really smart(stumping the scholars of his day with his questions). Now that is my kind of Hero.

It Takes Money To Make Money- How I Hate You, Phrase

I take offense to this. It is as dismissive as it is true. Sure it does take money to make money but that also dismisses the idea that you can be creative enough to come up with a system to literally make something out of nothing. I have always hated that phrase because one of my favorite things is to come up with creative solutions to problems. I don’t try to think different than other people, as I found out when I was a kid, I just think different than other people.

It is true that you need money to make money but it seems like a phrase made to discourage the small hustler that only has creativity as an asset. A good designer sometimes will only need a piece of paper and a pencil to get started, and you can borrow those. I don’t like to dismiss the creative because its easy to dismiss anyone as crazy but you need to look at what makes them crazy. Its hard to anticipate anything if it’s new.

My favorite context of this phrase is always from the unbelievers. The people that think money, not action, are what make things happen. It becomes a catch all phrase to discourage someone that has the courage and balls to act and not just accept his circumstances in life.

Starting out broke might take longer but its always worth it in the end…. I hope.

Thoughts During A Trip To The Post Office

Today I had to run to the Post Office to mail some shirts that were ordered, Smellyfingertshirts.com check it out. Standing in any line is always kind of weird but there is something different about the Post Office. There were just so many things going through my head I thought I would share some of them.

Walking in the front doors the old lady in front of me held the door open and let it go about 1 or 2 seconds before I got there.
“Is that still holding the door for me” “if I say thank you, is that going to sound sarcastic because its not holding the door for me” “ Maybe she is letting the door go because she doesn’t respect me” “I bet she doesn’t respect me because I’m wearing my X-Men shirt” “who doesn’t like the X-Men, its about social equality” “maybe she’s a racist” “I’ll fight a racist” “hitting an old lady would look bad on a resume” “what if I put, racist old lady, that would look better” “ why would I put that on a resume” “they might ask what the felony is for” “ I could say the felony is for standing up for my Mexican people”After I finally got in the door I had to stand in the line with the old lady in front of me and a freckle filled hottie behind me.
“Is that chick behind me hot?” “yup she sure is” “I’m gonna pretend I’m looking outside to get a better look” “whoa she has a lot of freckles” “I wonder if I have a shot” “I bet my breath stinks” “yup it does” “Damn you X-Men for making me look nerdy” “I wonder if she likes the X-Men” “chicks that dig comic books are awesome” “Its been a long time since I’ve gone to the comic book store” “oh look I think she’s married” “creeping her out is still an option, that’s always fun” “I could stand shoulder to shoulder with and ask have you ever wondered how close is too close when your standing in line”Its my turn……