We had just gone inside while everyone was outside and I attacked the pizza like it was making fun of my mother. It was a nice peaceful while my sister and I made fun of each other as we always do but like all good things in life, that came to a screeching halt when people began to notice that they don’t have to be outside supervising their kids because who cares if the video game trailer guy drives off while they’re still in there, right?
The first person to come inside other than the people that lived there was a girl that the person throwing the party works with. The sight was funny to me because she lead her in like a mother bringing her child to a playpen full of kids and she said “you have movies in common,” and then left. And in my mind I wanted to raise my hand to ask some questions, “Umm is it OK if I make fun of her? Do you have any toys I can play with? Why don’t you have any hot friends? Is anyone at this party single other than the kids? Is it out of the question to liven this party up with a stripper? Can I borrow a $20? Can you break a $20? Is it mean to leave pizza in my mouth so I don’t have to talk to anybody I don’t want to?” But it turned out that 1st girl was cool, she did like movies. Then another person came inside and the conversation got a little more awkward, then another person came in and the conversation got a little more awkward, then I think another person came in. I’m not too sure if anyone else came in because at times like this I retreat into a happy place in my mind that runs red with Hawaiian Punch.
All the people in the village in my head don’t talk to me unless they have something really interesting to say and then as a town we all gather to hear the story. If the story sucks we get to throw him out of town into the woods where all the werewolves and vampires from Twilight are always getting eaten up and pooped out by bears and Transformers. Everyone in that town thinks I’m funny, especially Optimus Prime. Its at that moment that I get woken up by a parade of kids and a billboard of dancing pinks and purples that completely obstruct the view of a 40” inch tv about 4 feet away from me. In my head I yell “get the hell out of the way lady!!!” but all I can do is look around to all the people that have gathered around while I was off in my own little world. Time for the Pinata!
Stay tuned later this week for more Thoughts at a birthday party!
The person throwing the party had rented a video game trailer, I know and yes it was awesome. But they set up chairs outside of the trailer so the adults could sit down and play games, sounds like fun right? Well, lets not forget that I live in Texas, its summer time, and I have what some doctors would call a weight problem (I guess that depends on how you define “problem”). Have you ever broken a chair, I have (sad face) and now you see my problem. I don’t want to sit in these chairs unless they’re made out of oak or steel. This isn’t for any shame reason, like all my justifications, its for practical reasons. If I break this chair I don’t care that people will point and laugh, I’m actually afraid of the chair breaking and one leg left pointing up and stabbing me in the heart like a vampire…. So its not that I don’t want to be made fun of its more like I don’t sit in chairs because I don’t want to die a horrible and gruesome death.
So me and my sister are sitting there playing Mario on the Wii and 2 little kids gather around us. One is just a young Mexican kid and the other looks like a chubby version of Benjamin Button. I say this because he looked like a 35 year old crunched into a 13 year olds body. This kid had a receding hair line that was freaking me out from the moment I saw him. I just looked at him and thought, “your kidding right, no kids have hair like that. That poor kid he’s gonna get made fun of all his life. I kinda wanna make fun of him real hard right now. Isnt he a little old to be a this birthday party. I guess I’m a little old to be at this party and we both have receding hair lines so I guess I cant pass judgment.” It was about this time that one of us made a mistake on Mario (it was probably because I couldn’t concentrate with Captain Hairline right behind me) and this chubby adult posing as a kid started making fun of us. But it wasn’t even in a funny way it was in that nerd, he put his hand over his mouth chuckling and repeating oh I cant believe you missed that while walking in circles. I don’t know where you come from but if you’re gonna talk crap to me and you don’t know me your going to get 1 of 2 things, I’m going to slaughter you with insults until you start crying or punch you in the chest. But I don’t think the judge would take kindly to me saying “well he was being a dick and he looks like he’s in his 30’s, that should count for something, right?”
That’s when I knew it was time to go inside and treat those slices of pizza like my emotions and just eat em.
Stay tuned for more Thoughts at a birthday party!
Just recently I went to a childs birthday party which was a bit of a challenge for me because of how socially awkward I can be. The day overall was pretty good but this party just happened to have all the things I’m not comfortable with like kids and adults. The worst thing is that there was one person in particular that had a personal space issue, maybe because she had so many kids ( I guess you lose a sense of personal space when that many people pass through your vagina). I went to this party with my sister and what were supposed to be my niece and nephew but they went out of town (not by themselves) , so we went to a childs birthday party without any children. Do you know what that’s like for me, well you’re going to find out.
The day started off weird because my sister told me to be ready by 10 am and when I woke up at 9:30 I had my first thought of the day, “Dam, 10 is a little too early for a birthday party unless it’s a surprise” but I got ready anyway. On the way to where the party was I was informed that the party didn’t start until 1 pm, at that moment I felt like a puppy being driven away from its owners staring out of the back window thinking about waking up at 12:30. But who cares I’m awake now I thought to myself lets make the best of it. So I was as much help as I usually am, none. Its not that I didn’t want to help but its more like I was using all my concentration not to fart all over this nice persons couch.
Then people started showing up, the dread set in. In walked this little kid with a black eye and he wouldn’t stop looking at me. To my surprise even little kids have the ability to make me self conscious because I immediately started to think, “do I have something on my face. I didn’t eat breakfast today so its not that, maybe its booger or an eye booger. Why does that kid have a black eye? Does he want me to get up? You cant have my spot kid, it already smells like me. I’ve been here since 10 we’re gonna fist fight if you wanna take this seat. Maybe he’s a good fighter and that’s where he got the black eye.” That mental onslaught of thought ended as soon as another kid walked in.
The next kid that walked in came in in a parade of other children, they all seemed to be the same shade of Mexican so I assumed they were siblings. But there was one stand out, this child (I say child because it took me while to figure out if it was a boy or a girl) walked in with what looked to be an American flag draped over it like a weirdly patriotic pancho and a mohawk (my first instinct was to go mosh with it). The Star Spangled Banner started playing in my head and I wanted to stand up and salute it but then the black eye kid would probably take my seat and I would be taken in for child abuse after I sat on him.
This is the end of Part 1 but more to come tomorrow! Stay tuned!
