Why Would U Say That? The Podcast- #90 Improvise Shmimprovize

In this episode its like the good old days because I sit down with Ruben Bueno and we have a weird conversation.  We start out this episode talking about the things i would do for chocolate.  We also talk about Mike Berbiglias movie "Don't Think Twice."  Somehow this conversation turned into talking about being fat and fat camp.  We also talk about the very strange things that poor people do and our experienfes doing them.  I tell my Sonora Caves story about how bad it was and Ruben talks about his Carlsbad Caverns experience. After t hat we talk about improv and our opinions of it. 

Dont forget to like Tilted Halo Comedy and subscribe to the podcast.

Top 5 Questions To Ask A Porn Star

If you’re anything like me you are intrigued by the porn industry.  For an outsider there are so many unanswered questions. And I mean beyond the average questions like, “why do you do this” and “what do your parents think.”  The porn industry is much more interesting than that and I would like someone to shed a little light on it for me.  In a perfect world where I got to sit down with some porn stars and pick their brains, I would have them illuminate the weirdest parts of their job.  I’m not looking to judge anyone for what they do because when it comes down to it we all whore ourselves out, its just in different ways.  That’s why I’ve assembled a list of the top 5 questions I would love to ask a porn star if I ever got the chance.

#5- How often do you regret going into porn?

I don’t mean this in a judgmental way, I mean this the way I would mean this if I asked anyone with any regular job.  I used to hate myself everyday before work and on the way to work and on while I walked in to work and while I was sitting there.  It makes me wonder what goes thru a porn stars head while they are headed to work, stressed out and would rather not go in today.  I guess sometime they don’t enter work, work enter them. I made a joke

#4- What is your least favorite thing during a movie shoot?

Even for the most sexual actress there has got to be something they could do without.  I don’t care if it’s the craft services people asking them to put on pants before coming to the table or the shower afterwards, there has got to be something that drives them up the wall everytime they have to deal with it.  Regular actors talk about all the work it takes to do a movie, that means a porn has kind of got to be a bit more work right? I cant be the only one that wonders this.

#3- Whats the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done on set?

I know I’ve done some stupid stuff during work and I’ve got to wonder what is the embarrassing stuff that happens during a porn.  I once pooped during work and clogged the toilet in a public library so there has got to be some good stories on the set of a porno. Right?

#2-Would you ever attend your child’s career day if so what would you say?

Everyone has kids.  Career day is the day that gets kids exposed to everything that is possible for them to even dream about or just think about becoming.  I would love to watch a porn star, actor or actress, fumble while trying to explain to children what it is that they do. 

#1-If you could talk to your 10 year old self what do you think they would say?

I could only imagine what a 10 year old would have to say to a porn star after you just told them what it is a porn star is, now imagine that 10 year old is talking to themselves after getting out of a time machine.  What would you say to yourself and what would your 10 year old self say. Would past you be disappointed in future porn you?  I would love to talk to my 10 year old self but the conversation would pale in comparison to that of a porn stars.

Those are my top 5 questions, let me know what yours would be.

Dj Khaled - Don't Play Yourself Parody

Dj Khaled has brought some of the most inspirational and creepy videos that have ever hit the internet.  Dj Khaled snapchat and instagram accounts have some of the weirdest content that I have ever seen a sane adult aver post.  I'm not even sure if he is being serious about any of it.  This is me Willy Olguin, with my fake beard and a christmas tree in the back for some reason doing my impression of the soon to be classic, Dj Khaled. Enjoy.

Top 5 Documentaries on Netflix for Creative Type

Inspiration can be hard to come by when you’re a creative type of person. Everyone has their own way of getting inspired.  Every creative is familiar with their own version of writers block. It doesn’t matter what media or expression your art manifests itself in, you know what its like to experience a blockage in your creative arteries.  Whenever I get a creative block I turn to 2 places I like to go and they are Netflix and Youtube.  Youtube is good but quality can be low and you never really know what you’re going to get. On the other hand Netflix has a library of awesome material with a star rating system that lets you know basically what level of content you’re going to get.  The problem with Netflix is sifting through their entire library to find what it is you don’t know you’re looking for.  It makes it that much sweeter when you find something that you can go to your friends with and you know they will enjoy it too.  You are my friends and here is my list.

#5 Stripped

Stripped is a documentary about Comic Strips and their creators.  They interview and talk about the top comic strip creators of comics like Penny Arcade, Calvin and Hobbes, Luann, Foxtrot, Peanuts, Garfield, Pogo, and many more. It’s a perfect documentary for anyone looking for a little comedy writing, drawing, self publishing type of inspiration.  This documentary not only talks about comics with comic creators they also delve into the future of comics as print media is fading out.

#4 Comedians of Comedy

Comedians of Comedy follows comedians Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford, and Zach Galifianakis on a comedy tour called The Comedians of Comedy.  The Documentary follows these leading alternative comedians as they talk about comedy and live day to day on the road.  There are clips of each of their comedy and how the push the boundries of whats known at conventional stand up comedy.  They tell old comedy stories and talk about thing they have been through while they create new memories.

#3 Dear Mr. Watterson

Dear Mr. Watterson is basically a love letter to arguably one of the greatest comic creators to ever live.  The documentary explores the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes and its creator.  The doc interviews people from all walks of life and they discuss how Calvin and Hobbes has impacted their life. They also delve into how Calvin and Hobbes changed and continues to influence comics today.

#2 I Know That Voice

This is one of those documentaries that gives you a peek into something you always wished you could find out more about. Featuring voice actor such as John Dimaggio (Bender from Futurama), Kevin Conroy (Batman), Mark Hamill (The Joker), and many more.  They discuss the process of being a voice actor and making a career with their voices. Some of cartoons more recognizable voices are in it and it’s a lot of fun to see the people behind your favorite characters like SpoungeBob, Tommy Pickles, Bender, and many many more.

#1 Tig

This one holds a special place in my heart because it chronicles the journey of stand up comedian Tig Notaro to notoriety.  This is the documentary that should be called “A Series of Unfortunate events” because it talks about the horrible trials she had to endure that eventually led up to what would be the stand up performance of a lifetime.  Its sound like a bit much but even one of the things she endured would have been overwhelming but she endured.  It also covers her journey afterwards and all the things that came from the bad and are still in development.  On a personal note, the reason this one sticks hard with me is because I was just getting out of the hospital wondering how I was going to deal with the pain and trials I was going through so I was in bed and I turned on Netflix and there it was being promoted in the big window like it was calling to me.  It helped me so much.

This is my list of the best documentaries on Netflix. Enjoy and your welcome.

Goku Going Super Saiyan God

Have you ever been sitting at home struggling through a painful dookey when you get the thought, "if I was Goku, would be going super Saiyan right now?"  Then it got me wondering, "would the level of Super Saiyan vary on the level of pain that he went thru. Which then got me wondering, "would Super Saiyan God be at a pain level near childbirth or gnawing off your own private parts?" Personally I think this is what happens during the comercial breaks.  But also since it makes his so much stronger how much force would then the poop come out with. If you dont think this would ever happen then you've never concentrated during a horrifically painful poopoo!

How Low Self Esteem Makes You Look Confident

I was recently enlightened to the notion that I exude a sense of low self-esteem. Crap. Or is it by design?

 Most people think that the thing to strive for is happiness but that seems false to me because happiness and high self-esteem are fleeting.  Nothing goes away faster than happiness but sadness and low self-esteem can last forever.  I say “low self-esteem” but how I define it is just a critical introspection and a harsh self-awareness of ones own flaws. Is that low self-esteem or just critical self-awareness? The key to appearing confident with all this low self-esteem is to make peace with all your own flaws.

I don’t think that self esteem is linear but circular. If you took a line and put high self-esteem on one end and low self-esteem on the other end then took that line and bent it into a circle you would have the circle of self esteem.  If you notice that high and low self esteem are right next to each other, meaning that if you aren’t paying attention they look the same.  And there it is, that’s how low self esteem makes you look confident.

Its not just regular low self esteem either, anyone can mope around feeling gloomy, its gotta be really low to the point that you have stopped caring about self esteem all together.  Low self esteem stops being a fault and becomes a virtue when you let go of all the pretentions that come with feeling sorry for yourself and when you really stop caring what others think.  Lots of things change when this happens like you will stop walking around with your head down because you don’t care who’s looking at you, you dress the way you really want to because nobody cares what you’re clothes looks like.  When you’re self esteem is low enough, you realize that you’re bulletproof because there is nothing anyone can do or say to hurt your feelings.  You don’t walk around with a false confidence that high self esteem brings but with real confidence because you’ve accepted who you really are and you don’t care if anyone accepts it or not.  Now that you know the secret, enjoy.

Is that what happiness feels like, or contentment?  Don’t ask me, it’s all low self-esteem to me.

P.S.

…I just want to add something real quick. Who the hell has high self-esteem?  I want to know who these deluded people are. Am I the only one that thinks that the proper human response to life is constant self-examination with almost a paranoid preoccupation with a fear of being part of the problem.  If a few more people were like that the world might be a better place or they might even think twice before doing harm to others.  I don’t understand high self-esteem because it seems like a blindness to the animal we all are inside.  Some of us keep a hyper vigilance on the animal inside so we can keep it at bay but maybe this is just the animal lashing out.

Maybe… this is just me exuding low self esteem again.

Fat Dudes Tips For Picking Up Chicks

These are tips from a fat dude for fat dudes.  I looked everywhere for something to help a fat brother out but I never did find anything that would even remotely help.  That’s why I have chosen to bestow upon you (the reader) the little bit of knowledge and experience I have with being a fat dude trying to pick up chicks.  Before we get started with this list there are a few things that you have to know before we get into it, I am not a Casanova type guy that is always looking for the next chick or anything like that, I’m just a regular fat dude that has known a lot of other fat guys that just seem to feel bad for themselves and blame all the wrong things for them being lonely.  With that said I think its time to drop some knowledge! (yea, modesty is a problem for me)

Tip #1- Don’t change for anyone

This should go without saying but when it comes to low self esteem it has to be said.  Just be yourself, there is a reason the people around you like you.  The only time this does not apply is if you are a major, and I mean major, dick.  If you walk around as an enormous dick and blame everyone else then you might want to change but other than that just be yourself.  If you’re weird then just be weird, if you’re awkward then be awkward, there is gonna be somebody that likes it. Trust me.

The rest of these might seem like someone trying to change you but that is not my intention.  Think of it as highlighting your best personality traits and getting rid of roadblocks that you have put in your own way. That being said lets continue…

Tip #2- Have Balls

This one is the most important! If you just do this one and none of the others you will be in a much better place than most shy and awkward people.  There is no trick to it, its just having the balls to go up to someone you find attractive and saying, Hi.  Some of it is just that simple, life isn’t a romantic comedy where a grand gesture must be made every time or it has to be some weird coincidence.  There is a reason good women sometimes end up with crappy people, its because crappy people are too stupid to not have balls.  So take a lesson from horrible people and have some balls.

Tip #3- Being Funny Helps… A Lot

Look if you’re a fat dude then odds are you have a pretty developed sense of humor already.  Don’t be afraid to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine (sorry that’s a song).  I don’t know about you but I have always used humor to deal with all the things in my life and chances are you do too, it’s the only way to stay sane sometimes.  So open with a joke, get her laughing with you.  Have you ever met a funny person that you didn’t want to hang out with again?

Tip #4- Rejection Is Just Part Of It

Time for a hard dose of reality, Rejection is just part of it.  Sorry.  Even the best of the best get turned down.  Heres how I have always dealt with this.  Getting rejected is just like getting punched in the chest,  the first time it happens it might knock you off your feet and hurt a lot.  The good news is the more it happens the less it matters to you, you might go from the equivalent of a 3^rd grader getting punched in the chest to a Pro Fighter getting punched in the chest.  They both hurt but the Pro Fighter knows how to shake it off and keep moving.  Be a Pro Fighter and learn to shake off the rejection because when its all said and done it’s a numbers game.

That’s all the tips I have for you right now.  If there is anything else anyone would like to add just post it in the comments. Now get out there and have fun!

Top 5 Things To Buy Youself For Valentines Day To Make Other People Feel Weird

Its that time of the year again when all the couples in your life become the most annoying that they can be.  For single people Valentines day is more than just a loneliness reminder is a cultural finger wagging in your face telling you that everything that you’re doing is wrong.  I have to say it, I hate Valentines Day! The day drives me up the wall not because of what people say but because of what they don’t say.  When people ask what you’re gonna do for Valentines Day and you respond with nothing, that’s when the questions come. Questions like “why aren’t you going to do anything? Do you have a girlfriend? Why don’t you go get one?”  Ugh, it’s a choice not an accident (do all lonely people tell themselves that?).

But if you don’t want to get left out of the festivities or at least just make fun of all the “happy” people I’ve got some ideas for you. Here is my top 5 list of things to buy yourself to make your nearby  VD ers jealous or just feel weird.  That’s what I’m gonna call people that celebrate Valentines Day… VD ers.

5. Flowers

This one is always fun for yourself. Choose a single person you know with an extensive dating history and send them a bouquet of flowers.  Sound too normal? Make sure the card says “see you real soon. From You Know Who.”  The key to this one is never letting them know it was you.

4. A Cheap Fake Diamond

Buy a cheap fake diamond ring and tie it to a string and leave it on the floor and see if you can lead someone around for a while and then tell them you were kidding and you cant wait for your second date. Creepy but funny.

3. Underwear Tears  

This one isn’t really buying anything for yourself but you should go to a highly populated store and then go to a VD underwear display and start crying.  When people ask why you’re crying tell them a close relative died on Valentines Day performing a sex act.  Feel free to choose any relative but I would go with someone I don’t like very much just in case your words make it happen. Lol.

2. The Windowless Van

Rent or borrow a windowless van and just drive around hitting on girls.  No one in their right mind would get into a windowless van but maybe VD will be different.

1. Sex Toy

Having a sex toy delivered to yourself at work from a “secret admirer.” Make sure its really big and floppy so you can run around the office accusing people of sending it to you while you shake it in their faces.

What Is Binge Eating Disorder?

I was just watching tv when I saw a commercial about B.E.D. and my first thought was what the hell is B.E.D.?  It turns out it stands for Binge Eating Disorder.  I always knew binge eating was a problem but I never saw it as a disorder. Erectile Dysfunction, now that’s a disorder! Binge eating disorder will lead to naps and happiness, give me a break.  If binge eating is going to become a medically diagnosed problem, we all know whats going to follow... Next thing is fat being a disease.

I don’t see how binge eating is a medical problem. Binge eating is the result of doing everything you always wanted to do in your life because its setting your inhibitions aside for a minute to do something that is going to make you very happy (maybe just for a few minutes).  We can all agree binge eating isn’t good for you but you know anything is not a serious medical disorder when an average drunk could diagnose it between slamming beers. 

I couldn’t believe it when I saw the commercial because I was watching Hulu Plus and Hulu starts a new episode of something when you finish the last thing and the next something has a tendency to be Saturday Night Live.  So I had to check and make sure that this was a real commercial and not just some joke from SNL.  I just don’t understand this thing, mostly because I’m a fat dude.  The definition of binge eating describes a feeling of being out of control, which is untrue.  I binge eat, or as I like to think of it Happy Hour, and I never feel out of control.  Binge eating isn’t about being powerless and out of control that’s S&M (sounds like a candy, “did you finish the S&M’s”).  Binge eating is more about turning off your brain and enjoying something on an almost animal level, that’s not out of control… is it?

This may just be a personal opinion but it seems like people keep trying to prescribe drugs just for personality defects.    Are people boring the crap out of you and you cant pay attention, it must be ADD and later the H was added because some people just couldn’t sit still. Are you sad, theres a pill for that?  Are you weird, theres a pill for that.  Are you fat then you must have B.E.D. have some drugs.  Give me a break!

I can cure all these problems real fast.  Go for a jog, get laid, make some friends and get a hobby.  And for crying out loud stop eating so much! Now all I have to do is take my own advice, stupid B.E.D. is trying to cut into my Happy Hour.

Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Big And Tall Shirt

I’m a fat dude (no need to beat around the bush) and it is so hard to find a good t-shirt that I really like.  I used to go hunting for t-shirt treasure but store after store of nothing.  Even the stores that did have something in my size it was never something I wanted.  Outside of licensed stuff like comic book characters and cartoons it was so hard to find something unique that I really liked.  The problem with most plus size shirts is that there is a limited amount of the stuff so all the big people are all dressed the same. Nobody wants to dress the same especially us fat people, we would all just end up looking like Comic Con just let out for lunch and the sweatier you are the faster they let you back in.  I’ve had it happen to me and I gotta tell you I hate seeing another fat person wearing the same shirt because then everybody just assumes you guys are friends.

Most of the big shirts you find are so uninspired but even if you go on the internet most people don’t have the right sizes. It was one of the most aggravating things to me is having to find a fun or cool shirt in my size that just might be, God forbid, unique too.  So I did something about it.

I went looking for shirts that I liked which was just the first step in a whole process which is more than just a shirt that fits. Its not that hard to find a shirt that fits but its hard to find a shirt that fits and you like it.  I have shirts from the big and tall store but the neck is huge and just drapes like a blanket, its almost like they closed up a snuggie and called it a t-shirt.  That’s drives me crazy because then the wind becomes your arch nemesis.  Every time the wind blows it blows your shirt as if it was Marilyn Monroe’s dress over a vent and you’re standing there trying to hold it down  while simultaneously telling yourself that there is nothing weird about this. No Thank You! I wanted a shirt with a tighter neck and a thicker feel, something I generally just wanted. The size was an issue too, I wear a 5xlt and that is a hard size to find that a manufacturer just didn’t give up on.

After that the next step was putting something funny on the shirt that made it stand out from the crowd.  The internet has a ton of people with websites selling shirts with heat transfers and other things from great shirts to pieces of crap.  Screen printed shirts last the longest, all of the screen printed shirts I own the image has outlasted the shirt everytime.  Even the image or design is usually not that unique because if you notice most of the most popular designs you will find are all just copies of each other.  I get tired of seeing the same things over and over and over. I would much rather take a risk at coming up with my own funny designs and risk that some of them may not be funny or some of them may be over the line but I can sleep at night knowing that they are my jokes and my drawings. 

Finding a good plus size shirt is so hard to find that is why I took it upon myself to make the exact thing that I wanted to wear.  A shirt I enjoy the way it was made and the quality of it along with my own screen printed joke design that makes the exact statement that I have always wanted to make for myself.  Supplying people with the weirdest jokes that I can come up with on the best shirts I can find are exactly the way I want to contribute to making the world a better place. 

That is why Smelly Finger T-shirts is here to fit your needs because big shirts are hard to find, so why not make people laugh and/or feel awkward just for the fun of it.

find it here at smellyfingertshirts.com

The Pizza Hut Doritos Crust- Best Thing Ever Or Destruction Of The World?

Maybe its because I’ve never been to New York but I love Pizza Hut pizza.  It does everything I need pizza to do, it tastes good, it makes me feel full and good, they support the Ninja Turtles and above all the other reasons it helps keep my feelings at bay.  Pizza Hut has done some amazing things with pizza like finding a way to inject more cheese into the crust.  Doritos have also done amazing things with chips when they introduced the world to the cool ranch Dorito.  But this unholy alliance can only wreak havoc on this planet which is why they are testing their unholy offspring in Australia known as the dorito crust.

On the bright side the combination of Pizza Hut and Doritos are being kept in Australia for the time being and not being unleashed on the world.  Logically there isn’t much difference to eating a slice of pizza with some chips and eating this unholy abomination of delicious ingredients.  It’s a lot like a plastic container and a microwave, there is nothing wrong with either of them but if you put a plastic container in a microwave the combination could kill you… eventually.  Just the thought of this thing makes me feel uneasy, like someone is trying to set me up for some kind of prank.

I would almost think that feeding your child this kind of thing could be seen as abuse.  Why not just put everything in a blender and let your kid eat his obesity thru a straw and suck down they calories, why waste any calories chewing because he’s gonna need those calories to develop diabetes. It’s a horrible horrible idea.

So keep your eyes open and mouths closed everybody, don’t be fooled by this demonic pizza!

We Are Just Big Cell Phone Cases Now

I miss the days when technology wasn’t such a big part of our lives outside of tv and the remote control (spoken like a real old man, right).  I don’t mean that like the way an old man means that kind of thing, I only mean that in the way our cell phones have become our brains.  We no longer need to think because “theres an app for that” but that isn’t even what I’m complaining about this time. What I’m complaining about is a little piece of fashion that I ran across while surfing the net, it’s a jacket brought to us by our friends at Tommy Hilfiger that is supposed to charge your phone because it has solar panels on the back.

It is a neat idea the way a computer than can learn is a neat idea or like unicorns are a neat idea.  First of all it looks like something from Back To The Future 2 when shoes tightened themselves up, you wanna know why that was never invented because its useless. Shoes that tighten themselves is a neat idea but I have hands, on the other hand fat people would buy the hell out of some shoes that tighten themselves.  A solar panel sown onto clothes is a horrible solution to a minimal problem.  You can either buy this jacket or you can just remember to charge your cell phone.  None of us are really that busy, are we?  Its just weird to me to put so much emphasis on your cell phone that it even dictates your fashion choices like what matches my cell phone, what goes best with my cell phone.  Maybe this is about more than just cell phones and one day we can be our own power source to charge our cell phones, ipods, ipads, kindles, laptops, net books, ds, 3ds, psp, and Bluetooth headphones like a human power strip.

Wearing solar panels just seems dumb, I, as a person am more than a cell phone case. Why not just make something that can charge from body heat then I can just plug my cell into my bellybutton. 

Pointy Mexican Boots Are Destroying America

I would like to put Mexican pointy boots in the same category as skinny jeans because I think they are both hilarious.  I cant do that.  The problem with skinny jeans is that I know many people that wear them and they are very cool people. Whenever I make jokes about skinny jeans they always point them out to me and we both laugh, that’s happened many times.  On the other hand I have never met a guy or girl wearing pointy Mexican boots that has ever even had a chuckle near me. 

I don’t understand this freakin style and it drives me crazy because it is socially unacceptable to go up to them to point and laugh.  It looks like a person with extremely large feet slammed into a wall at an extremely high speed and it bent his feet up. Then another person saw this persons new feet and thought, “I bet he doesn’t stub his toe on anything” and then he stole his shoes. And finally he got his newly stolen bent up shoes home, he made sure that no one else was home put one boot in the middle of the floor, double checked no one was home, took his pants off and then sat on the point of the boot.  That is the only logical reason I can come up with that a regular human being of sound mind and body would buy this ridiculous clown shoe, to placate some kind of weird anal fixation.

There are only two reasons to even wear boots, 1^st to ride horses and 2^nd because you have a job or living situation that brings danger to the lower parts of your legs. Like working in some kind of empty field where you could get bitten by a snake or spider.  Other than those 2 reasons there is no reason outside of vanity that you would wear boots.  And I am man enough to admit though that there are people that grow up out in the country and they still live on farms and ranches and just wear that clothes as a lifestyle, I understand that. 

This  pointy shoe doesn’t make any sense to me and gives me the urge to play horseshoes with their feet.

How Optimus Prime Goes To The Bathroom

Have you ever wondered how Optimus Prime Goes To the bathroom, I sure have!  Like all things that Optimus Prime does it must be super epic.  I decided to get my toys out and parody the way I think it would go down.  I don't know why exactly I have a toy toilet but I thought I would put it to some good use. 

If you are familiar with the original animated movie then you may recognize the scene where Megatron and Optimus face off.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a line of playful skits using my transformers. 

I didn't notice until I uploaded the video that I really need to clean Optimus, maybe next time.

Does Anyone Else Think The Big Bang Theory Is Offensive?

I had been hearing about this show for some time, so I thought I would go ahead and give it a shot after a ringing endorsement from my brother. I guess the basic premise of the show is nerds living together and theres a hot neighbor. The show seems to center around this ding a ling with absolutely no personality and hopefully was bullied a lot in his past.

I have to say that I Really hated this show, I found it to be really offensive. Although I think this is how the average person thinks of the average nerd. I grew up around nerds as a nerd myself and this show was making pull out my own hair, that’s not a nerd that’s Rainman. Rainman is really smart and has no access to his emotions. Nerds have always been some of the most happy people I have ever met in my life, they don’t cover their emotions they are usually very free with them.

I blame this freakin tv show for that attitude that you run into sometimes when a person is just so blank about everything…. Kinda like Napleon Dynamite. That might be the cherry on top of why I hate this tv show, I hate that blank emotionless stare from a person so in love with themselves they are even amused by their silence.

I tried watching this show and it made me want to kick all of them down the stairs and I was offended on 2 levels, the first being as a fan of comedy and the second as a nerd. I don’t get the big deal of this show maybe its personal preference or maybe I just got really offended because I felt like they were making fun of me. Now I know how Catholics feel when they read anything about catholics in the news.

Real Men Drink Energy Drinks?

According to a study Red Bull (energy drinks) doesn’t give you wings it gives you balls. I must have missed this train, when the hell did drinking energy drinks start making everybody all manly. I had an energy drink once and it made me so jittery it look like I was pop locking everywhere I went. I don’t get it, I grew up with a dad that worked all the time and being tired was a sign that you did a hard day of work. I’ve even worked hard a little in my day (I know I cant believe it either) and it feels good to get home after a hard day of work, what the hell is all the energy for. Maybe the Mormons are right (theres something I never thought I would say) when you grow that dependent on a substance you can consider it a drug. So, when does drug use make you a man?

I know I’m going to sound like an old bastard with this but there is this image of a man that is being portrayed nowadays. When I was a kid it was the cigarette smoking cowboy and now it’s the axe smelling energy drinker. My first question is where did the cowboy go, at least they make good movies. But I understand it’s the same thing just with a different product. I blame MMA for this one, all mma fighters look like they smell like Axe body spray and stripper glitter. They may be sponsored by energy drinks but do you actually think when they’re training they actually drink that garbage, of course not. What is it about consuming concentrated amounts of caffeine and god knows what else that makes you a man.

Also according to the study, men that align themselves with other “manly” things are less likely to drink energy drinks, isn’t that weird. Are your balls so small that you have to hug the leg of a giant caffeine daddy just so you can feel like a man. Men that described themselves as “Jocks” or were members of fraternities were less likely to drink as many energy drinks. If somebody can help me figure this out because I don’t get it, we all self medicate but energy drinks help make you feel like a man because it comes in a cool can and is related to being cool, give me a break.

If you’re tired drink it, if you like the taste drink it, if you’re thirsty drink it but if you walk around with your chest puffed a little more (to be fair that might also be the super fast beating heart) because of an energy drink, put it down and reevaluate your life.

If your drinking Red Bull to be more manly remember Red Bull gives you wings!!!! (just not the kind you fly with)

Guns Don’t Save People, People With Balls Do!

I love the gun control debate because there is no debate. Everyone has become a preacher and they are all bringing the gospel truth of the way guns should be used. These people have started to become as preachy as the Mormons coming to your front door just spewing their rehearsed scripts. The only thing they arent doing is destroying your Saturday morning cartoon and cereal marathons but they don’t have to because they have infected almost everyone you know.

Let me remind you that I am nobody and my opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. With that being said I believe that the true answer to the gun debate is….. Are you ready for it….. Here it comes…….4.…3.…2.…1.… and here it is…….Balls! Yup, balls, I think balls can solve a lot of the problems that people try to fix with guns. Take the Columbine kids, these kids no matter how unstable were bullied and they decided to end it all. What could have changed the outcome of this whole thing, that’s right, balls. If just one of these kids had the balls to take a baseball bat to the knees of one of their athlete bullies, the bully problem would have been solved. There would have been a storm of consequences that would have come from doing that but that’s where the balls come in. It doesn’t take balls to retaliate, it takes balls do deal with consequences. Like I said take it with a grain of salt, a baseball bat to the knees is no solution but compared to what happened it doesn’t really seem like a big deal.

Heres the other thing. If you knew that pulling out a gun wouldn’t send anyone cowering behind cover you would think twice about pulling it out. If you run into a liquor store and pull a gun out and no one hit’s the ground, not only that they begin to charge you and you’re not prepared to kill someone chances are you’re going to run away. A person or two might go down but the message will be sent….balls! Mass shooting have huge numbers because most people are hit running away. Fight or flight, most people choose flight. This is all theoretical I am saying nothing bad about victims of senseless crimes, just my simple black and white theories.

The gun debate has become such a joke with everyone just trying to push their agenda and not really caring what exactly is done to the people of this country. The right says everyone needs guns, the left says no one needs guns, and like all things in this life the truth lies somewhere in the middle but no one is willing to just have a normal talk with the attempt to hear and be heard. Let someones opinion affect you don’t just stay hard nosed with a plan in mind.

But hey what do you expect from a country that just a couple decades ago didn’t want to pee in the same bathroom as black people and where a state like Arizona can almost make it illegal to look Hispanic.

Guns don’t save people, people with balls do!

Who Cares About The Oscars?

Am I the only one that doesn’t care about the Oscars. I mean honestly who cares, there are way more important things going on in the world, I could tell you if I knew what they were. I watch tv and I love movies but really who cares about the people in them. The best part of the oscars is know that after they show telling people I don’t watch them leaves us with nothing to talk about. Good.

How the hell are there all these industries built around the lives of people that pretend to be other people for money. Hey I pretended to be a president all you guys should follow me around and pay attention to what kind of latte I buy.

All the celebrities look like they statues of the ancient greek gods. Maybe those were all the greek Oscars. They gave the Zeus to the best actor, best war movie gets the Ares and so on. I really hope the world ends soon because I’m afraid of what future societies will think of our culture. They paid no attention to social issues but they were glued to the Oscars. (in alien voice) the oscars were when they would take the best pretenders of the make believe stories that everybody thought they were good enough to be in, and put them all in a room and made sure all the men dressed exactly alike and the women would do their best to show off their reproductive organs while wearing the most fabric possible. Once they all get in one room they all look at the few of them that get a small golden carving of an ambiguous male likeness , all the while everyone who couldn’t get in beg, cry, fight, scorn and make fun of everyone inside trying to get in or in hopes of one day to get an invitation.

Sorry I’ll just watch something else. Who cares?

Michael Bay Is Raping My Childhood Again

Just heard some news, Megan Fox is going to be playing the role of April O’neil in the Michael Bay abortion of your childhood called Ninja Turtles. That is right folks, Megan Fox, the slow motion queen of the Transformer movies. Can I be the first to say that if Michael Bay remakes an X-Men movie I call for REVOLUTION!!!

What the hell!! First you kill Jazz in Transformers, then you destroy the awesomeness that is Devastator in the second and the last movie was so lack luster it was amazing. Now your going to go after the Ninja Turtles. I challenge you Michael Bay, make a better movie than the original. With all its flaws the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was way better than any of the Transformers movies.

I think at this point Michael Bay should be brought up on charges for being a pedophile because he’s raping all of our childhoods. I don’t understand what is so hard about keeping to the original storyline. Is it because you didn’t come up with it? I’ve got news for you Mr. Bay, your imagination sucks! The transformation in Transformers was cool but that movie seems like it was made by somebody that hated all of the characters. Let me tell you something Mr. Bay, the Ninja Turtles were born in the time of the self published comic book, the originals were black and white but the characters were so great that they just struck a chord with the children and the child inside of us and you, Mr. Bay, smeared your mind feces all over all of my favorite childhood heroes. Now you want to taint this one.

To be fair I’m gonna watch this movie and more than likely really enjoy it because I’m not one of those people that are critical of every little thing in a movie. I even like movies that suck (that might be why I own the first 2 Transformers movies). As a fan I would just like a little respect, like with Batman or the first few Superman movies (not the last one, I tried to like it but not so much). Or hey maybe even the X-men movies, the third was good but not as great. There are a ton of movies that were treated with respect but if you want another example of a movie that can be destroyed by the lead female, Green Lantern. Jessica Alba almost destroyed Fantastic Four, whats her face from the Spider-Man movies….. Kristen Dunst (I had to look it up). Watchmen was almost perfect (I can do without the cock and balls next time), Rebecca Romijn was perfect as Mystique, Halle Berry was awesome as Storm.

I could go on and on but the point is that it can be done right…… SO DO IT RIGHT MICHAEL BAY!!!!!

Google Glasses Are Awesome And A Little Strokey?

With the end date nearing the Google Glass contest, which ends the 27^th via twitter with the hash tag #ifihadglass and 50 words or less, I began to ponder the possibilities. The entire competition is based around what you do if you had some google glasses. Now this is a question I can answer.

The first thing I would probably do, as I do with all my sunglasses, is sit on them. There has only been 1 or 2 pairs of sunglasses that I have not destroyed with the junk in my trunk. I even lost a pair after sitting on them I think they got caught to my pants and fell out of the car, just lost forever. I now have a car with a compartment where I can store sunglasses so that’s 1 problem solved, maybe.

The next thing I would do with them is always have them in my pocket in their adamantium case (shout out to the people that get that reference). These things cost $1500, why on earth would I ever put my computer on my face. I’m a cheap bastard, the only thing that cost $1500 or over is my car and to top it off my car costed more than my house. I would never keep these glasses in my car because I would be devastated it they were both stolen at the same time. Might I add that I live in the hood, if I have anything worth this much on me its because its tucked under my gut where no one will ever look (awww sad face).

So the question is what would you do with Google Glasses, like everyone else that wears them I would probably look like I had a stroke too. If you have watched any of the videos about it you can notice that when people are wearing them they stop using that side of their face, making themselves look like a stroke victim. Looking like you had a Stroke thanks to Google can be the new hot look. “Hey look at that guy hes not blinking his right eye, he must be cool!” The Google Glasses also have a microphone on them so it’s a matter of time before they become a phone, at least when that happens I can call my phone to find out that I’m sitting on my sunglasses. That means someone will be wearing broken phone glasses because they can afford another phone….. I cant wait!!