Gay Border Fence?

I finally have come up with the perfect solution to people crossing the border. It’s a 2 for 1 because the ones that are causing all the “hu-bub” are the conservatives, so I have a solution that could help everyone calm down a little. Here’s the main idea of the whole thing, we, as a country, should create a new border fence but it should be made out of gay people (I don’t mean that in a bad way, keep reading).

I mean think about how awesome that would be, you’re a Mexican that is thinking of going to America and work for below minimum wage and best case scenario is people protest to have your kids thrown out of the country. Well while you are on your trek to America you reach the border and you behold one of the most disturbing sites for any traditional conservatively raised catholic born Mexican….. A line of gay people as far as the eye can see all holding hands like a giant international game of Red Rover.

This will fix more problems than it seems. 1^st the only Mexicans that will come over here are the ones that are a little open minded and really really determined to be here. 2^nd this will cut down illegal immigration by at least half. 3^rd this will flood the border and southern towns full of gay people and in time it will create a new area in the country where open minded people can congregate. The more conservative and angry intolerant people will either die or move away but they cant move north, people think there, they cant move west, people are a little weird there, so they will be forced to move to a state directly in the middle of the country. It will create a new country where open mindedness is spread over the entire thing and the crazy conservative vote will be pulled back to a minimum.

Problem Solved! I told you it was good.

Real Americans Don’t Have Tattoos?

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that tattoos are getting in the way of people getting their visas (and I don’t mean the credit card). I didn’t know this actually happened, you know I saw Scarface too, but I didn’t know that law enforcement was getting their ideas from the movies.

I understand that there is a reason for doing what they do but at the same time you can take things too far. Like for instance Arizona, they have made racially profiling legal or at the very least acceptable. What the hell is that about? I’m starting to see a pattern emerge here and it seems to be against a people that look like the villains in the movies.  It seem like no one can look into history and just see the atrocities done bye this country and then think, “Hey, maybe we’re wrong this time like all the other times we were scarred of something?”

There are tattoos that are associated with gangs but isn’t that the whole thing about a tattoo, they don’t go away so you really don’t know when they got it. It could be a souvenir from a rebellious childhood or just a bad decision. Just because you did a short google search for an image that you like and didn’t research what it was about, now you cant live in America…. Seems like there’s a problem with the rules instead of the people. So why are you coming down on the tattooed guy coming in the country when its this country that was empowering the cartels to begin with. This doesn’t make sense to me, its like feeding your kid a ton of candy then spanking him because he has cavities.

Not Today 2012- Space Weather Forecast?

According to Wired.co.uk there is a new instrument that will help our ability in predicting Space Weather. I never knew that was a problem. Like everyone else I saw the movie Day After Tomorrow with Jake Gyllenhaal and 2012 with John Cusack so I am aware that space weather is a bit of an issue but then again these were just movies, right?

I’m not saying that any of that stuff doesn’t have a basis in reality and I’m not even saying that I don’t love the show Ancient Aliens. What I am saying is that if you know its coming that still isn’t gonna make me feel any better about it. I know we need to know things about stuff (that really sounds like an intelligent thing to say doesn’t it) but there are reasons we need to know. For example if there is a bomb coming and an alarm goes off that means “Hey everyone we figured out that there is something coming and you need to hide or it’s a guarantee you’ll get blown to smithereens!” That is where something like that will come in handy. But on the other hand if an alarm goes off and they send out the message “Hey everyone guess what we figured out? There is a solar storm coming and its going to obliterate the entire planet no matter where you’re hiding so pray to any deity you see fit or hope to meet and we’ll see you on the other side….. Bye!” That seems like the kind of message I would rather you keep to yourself.

I would like to watch the Space Weather Channel though. “Our seven day forecast is clear and dark with a wind gusts at 0 miles per hour, slight chance of meteor showers around Saturn on Tuesday, but we wont see it. There is a black hole developing 35 million light years from here, but we wont see it. And finally in 5 billion years the Sun will go Red giant but we wont see it. That’s right folks I get paid to say the same thing every Sunday, now I’m gonna go drink but you wont see it!” I would watch that!

Fortune Cookies Suck

I went to each Chinese food today (because its awesome) and I was reminded of one of my greatest nemesis….. The fortune cookie. I wish fortune cookies were real and then they could hand them out before you sit down and then you might know if your going to have horrible service. The waiter we had sucked today but that has nothing to do with what I’m trying to say, maybe it does because he threw the cookie in our face before we were ready to leave. What a butt hole.

The fortune cookie is like the music during any award show, if you take too long, throw it out there and just watch the people get uncomfortable until they leave. Hey, waiter, does my fortune cookie have the name of a new restaurant that I can go eat at or do you wanna see how much its gonna tell me to tip you. I’ll give you a hint what its gonna tell me to tip you, its one of the digits from my lottery number on the back. I have always wondered if anyone uses that lottery number but I don’t play the lottery so its just one more thing the fortune cookie uses to mock me.

Then comes the fortune itself which for me is the worst part of the whole experience because I just sit there and watch everyone open their fortune cookie and be pleasantly surprised. When I open my fortune cookie it never says anything of any relevance to me and my life. Everyone else gets you’re going to make a business deal, or friends are in your future. The type of thing where you go “Oh I wonder who it will be.” Where as my fortune always reads something like “pants have pockets” or todays “fortune” was basically “hope helps.” Like it knew I was a sad person and this little piece of stupid paper is going to be the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. Stupid fortune cookies.

Smells Like Crap Talkin Podcast- Smells Like Bitterness- Episode 3

Another week another episode of Smells Like Crap Talkin.  In this podcast I go on about my first job, the responsibility of dogs, having sex for money, and I answer a question.  Hope you enjoy listening.

Stinkin Monkies 7

Its that time of the week again, and time for another round of Stinkin Monkies.  This is strip 7 of my weekly comic strip.  Fart jokes are always funny and I think it was about time the monkies did one. Hope you enjoy it!

Alabama Pastor Says He’s Not Racist

I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw that this happened. It turns out there is a “Pastor” in Alabama that has an annual conference for whites only. He justifies it by saying that white people are Gods chosen people. This made me laugh the kind of laugh that makes me a little sad on the inside.

I cant believe this still happens. Well, I guess it’s a well established fact in history that stupid people read the Bible too. I’m a Christian but I mean come on, where do you get the notion that white people are the chosen people of God. I don’t know if you have ever read it but I think Jesus was a Jew. And contrary to popular southern opinion he probably wouldn’t drive a pickup and threaten people with guns.

Its people like this that make me hope Jesus comes back soon just so all these knuckle dragging morons will pick up their guns and start shooting the flying Jew in the clouds. I know this will happen because these are the same people that “see” a UFO and shoot at it because they don’t want to get abducted and anally probed (I think because they are afraid they’re gonna like it).

For all the atrocities that people like this have brought upon the world, I still feel the need to thank them for one thing. Its people like this that keep the national intelligence average low letting the rest of us score way higher letting us be in the gifted or genius levels of intelligence. If these people didn’t exist we would just be regular joes. On second thought I would much rather be a regular joe than to have to drive around Alabama and Arizona whenever I’m gonna go somewhere.

Are you a racistist when you Hate racists.?

Wal-Mart Says Turn The Other Cheek Or Go Home

73 year old lady had to sell her house because she got fired from Wal-Mart for pulling on a customers sweater after they pushed her last black Friday. Once a gain the fact that this is a news story is hilarious to me but I really do feel bad for the old lady. There are a ton of problems here so lets explore them together.

First problem, Black Friday. I hope in two million years, long after we have destroyed ourselves probably on a black Friday, aliens land on this lost waste of a planet and find surveillance footage of every black Friday of our final 50 years. They will see how we became Consumers instead of people with valid opinions and with a ravage focus tore our way through little old ladies just to save a few bucks. Now there is something we should all be proud of.

The next problem is that this lady had to lose her job because someone pushed her. Whether she was grabbing the sweater because they pushed her or because she was trying not to fall down, I don’t know. Either way, what the hell Wal-Mart. Now I have never made it a secret that I hate that place and I believe that its logo is the representation of all things that step on the neck of the little guy. But sometimes you just need to have a heart man, seriously. Who do you blame here because I can tell you the excuse of everyone leading to the CEO…. “I was just doing my job.” Wal-Mart is known for treating their employees like crap, they even get them to believe that not unionizing if for their own good, give me a break. So Wal-Mart just wants you to get pushed around and to “turn the other cheek” but only when it comes to customers. That’s justice, right?

I have a solution, as the consumer you have a choice where to put your dollars. How about together we choose not to put them in Wal-Mart. They will know how their mistreated employees feel after they have to shut down a few locations.

Personality Is On the Outside, Right?

I had an argument the other day with someone about how a person was so unique because of the size of her hair. If you cant tell by my other post I was on the side of your exterior is an expression of who you are on the inside not how you express your inside.

The argument came from a person she knows that always has big hair and how she was talking about how brave and unique she is for having that hair. Give me a break (as the old saying goes) I was born at night not last night. The people I am naturally drawn to are outsiders and I don’t mean that in an avant garde way. I mean it in a way that the people I enjoy talking to are usually very different from the norm, they are usually deeply troubled or have had deep troubles (they always have something interesting to say). They are usually shunned by regular society because most people are not willing to get past a wall that these people have created for themselves.

Now your going to tell me some kid is “unique” because she likes her hair to be stupid! I have met some of the true snowflakes of the world and let me tell you there is a reason these people are snowflakes and its because nobody wants to be like them. And this little girls wants you to believe she is unique because she’s practically telling you that she is, makes me sick.

I would like to enlighten you about what this girl is really saying with her hair (If your reading this I assume you already know but I believe it needs to be said). First thing her hair says is look at me because I need your approval because I don’t care what you think. Stupid right. Next thing it says is I don’t understand what a unique personality actually consists of because I actually believe Lady Gaga is an artist. That’s the one that really makes me sick.

Just like the new Spiderman movie Lady Gaga is just a reboot of what Madonna used to be before her age made her hilarious.

Real Life Willy Wanka and Nestle Factory?

Busted! Nestle just got caught supporting child labor in the cocoa farms they get their chocolate from. Is it just me or does this sound like Willy Wonka just got busted. I love that movie, how could it have gotten misinterpreted. Its not child labor if their having fun, right?

I saw the movie and I wanted to work in a chocolate factory too, so can you really blame the kids? That seems like it would be the perfect solution to our nations growing obesity problem, Put Them To Work! This would really work on a chocolate farm. First step get a bunch of fat kids and ask them if they want all the chocolate they can eat. Step two let them keep a certain amount of the chocolate they gather. Step three Skinny Kids…. That would work right?

Did they even get a good look, are you sure they were kids and not Oompa Loompas. They look a lot like kids but orange or like Mexicans if you go with the Tim Burton version of the movie. The one thing I learned from the movies is that its not enslavement or “child labor” if you want to work for chocolate. Did they even check to see if the Nestle Oompa Loompas were singing, does the CEO call them with a flute because that would be a dead give away that they are Oompa Loompas.

But how about a better solution to this instead of just getting angry at Nestle. How about forcing them to stop exploiting the farmers and pay them a decent wage and create an environment where children don’t have to go to work….. How about it?