The Internet Junky Itch

Study in china shows that internet addicts suffer from withdrawal symptoms similar to those of a drug addict. That’s right you heard me like a drug addict, time to grab your laptop or ipad and a box of condoms and start cruising the not so hot spots or wait for an internet black out. Once they start getting that junkie itch…. You’re so in.

The effects of the “comedown” are very similar to what people experienced when coming down from ecstasy. These of course are from the obsessive users of the internet (not me of course I can quit at anytime). This is almost crazy if it didn’t make so much sense. I used to work in the computer lab at my local library. Those people got real crazy when you would take away their internet, which just happened to be my favorite part of the job. Usually when you put a group of like minded individuals together they will become a community, not in the case of the internet user. Maybe its because using the internet has become such a personal thing when people invade our space during “alone time” we tend to get angry, kinda like driving a car. I think we should name this change of mood or withdrawal “bored rage.”

My question is what the hell are you doing on the internet that you’re like a drug addict. I mean I can understand spending a whole day on the net out of boredom or weird searches but all the time. You can only watch so many cat videos and read status updates and tweets before you just start getting really bored and begin hating everyone you know for not having more interesting lives. Sometimes it seems like I’m the only one that gets on the computer and daydreams for a few minutes while staring at the screen before I realize I have nothing to do on the computer.

Its because of this that we should be thanking cyber bullies. Thanks to cyber bullies there are a ton of kids that are never going to have this problem (I’m obviously not talking about the ones that get truly traumatized because we all know something was gonna get em). As much as we hate cyber bullies they are just nature/evolutions way of dealing with certain problems. For every drug addict there is a person that had to deal with them and will never do drugs because of them. Cyber bullies arent a handful of butt holes, I mean they are, they are just curing you of your ridiculous obsession with the internet. See who says a small penis and an internet connection are useless, thanks cyber bullies.

 

Will Somebody End Reality Shows Already?

I get it. How many times do we need to see that there are a lot of people out there that we need to feel superior to. After being dominated by an overbearing boss all day sometimes people just want to come home and see some people on tv that have it a lot worse than we do and arent even aware of it, I guess?

Snooki had a baby? Who freakin cares, I hope it becomes a doctor so somebody can finally tend to the myriad of STDs gestating in Snooki’s uterus from whence this last child spawned. For the record I don’t care if she is a stupid whore or if she’s a quantum physicist that enjoys knob gobbling as a religious activity. I don’t care about this girl! What I do care about is what this type of tv is doing to our nation as a whole. Celebrity has become the goal instead of being a byproduct of immense amounts of talent.

Now I know I have just fallen into the trap of talking about another showbiz whore that doesn’t really do anything but I need to make a point. I hate talking about tv shows with substance that I love just for somebody to bring up this awful piece of crap, I get it, you’re better than her in every way except your life isn’t interesting enough or whorey enough to be on tv!

The best way to combat the dumbing down of America is to once and for all stop talking about slutty good for nothing attention whores that don’t bring any talent to the table. But like most people, I am a hypocrite because I am so interested in watching that show about the two headed girl. Abby and Britney is a hilariously awesome show but maybe its because one of my dreams is to be in a threesome!

Fortune Cookies Suck

I went to each Chinese food today (because its awesome) and I was reminded of one of my greatest nemesis….. The fortune cookie. I wish fortune cookies were real and then they could hand them out before you sit down and then you might know if your going to have horrible service. The waiter we had sucked today but that has nothing to do with what I’m trying to say, maybe it does because he threw the cookie in our face before we were ready to leave. What a butt hole.

The fortune cookie is like the music during any award show, if you take too long, throw it out there and just watch the people get uncomfortable until they leave. Hey, waiter, does my fortune cookie have the name of a new restaurant that I can go eat at or do you wanna see how much its gonna tell me to tip you. I’ll give you a hint what its gonna tell me to tip you, its one of the digits from my lottery number on the back. I have always wondered if anyone uses that lottery number but I don’t play the lottery so its just one more thing the fortune cookie uses to mock me.

Then comes the fortune itself which for me is the worst part of the whole experience because I just sit there and watch everyone open their fortune cookie and be pleasantly surprised. When I open my fortune cookie it never says anything of any relevance to me and my life. Everyone else gets you’re going to make a business deal, or friends are in your future. The type of thing where you go “Oh I wonder who it will be.” Where as my fortune always reads something like “pants have pockets” or todays “fortune” was basically “hope helps.” Like it knew I was a sad person and this little piece of stupid paper is going to be the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. Stupid fortune cookies.

Rebecca Black Had It Right

For as horrible as Rebecca Blacks song “Friday” was, I think she had it right. Now I’m not saying it was a good song but the exact opposite. I think this song should be so horrible its enlightening. Modern pop music is such a horrible assembly line approach to music. All the way from people like Lady Gaga to Kanye West. When did mediocrity become art.

Lets take Lady Gaga, this lady is just a mix of Madonna from the 80’s and a bit of Christina Aguileras voice. There is nothing original about how “crazy” this lady is. Being eccentric is nothing new, especially in the music industry. But I have never heard little kids misuse the word “artist” so much as to when it comes to Lady Gaga. Don’t get me wrong I have much respect for anyone that has real talent but Lady Gagas look to music is just a rip off of what I saw when I was a kid, which I’m sure was a rip off too because when has the music industry ever had an original idea.

Kanye West is the best of the worst in my opinion. There is no one I loathe more in the music industry and I’m not even talking about the “look at me” antics that had to do with Taylor Swift. This guys whole gimmick is what is wrong with the world today. Nobody wants to put the work in to come up with something creative and new but rather literally take pieces of something good and old to make something bland out of it. Kanyes music is the equivalent to the Olive Garden, it looks like it should be good but it lacks any real flavor.

For all these reasons Rebecca Black is the pinnacle of modern pop music. Rebecca Black just brought to the forefront the small little thought in the back of your mind about all this music and that is, “ this sucks but its better than silence.” Rebecca Black just made it obvious with bad lyrics, a poor beat, and a weird face. She just brought the 3 strikes to the table where everyone else was skating by with 2.

Somebody Jacked Up My MailBox

I went outside my house the other day and found my mailbox open, crunched on one side and tilted to the left. I was home all day and I didn’t hear anything. This frustrates the hell out of me, no one elses mailbox was jacked up. It just reminded me how much my neighbors suck and how much I want a natural disaster to hit their houses only.

I mean honestly if your going to be a drug dealer at least be a little considerate to the people that don’t turn you in. They just sit outside on their porch as people pull up and pull away. I hope they make meth because I want that house to burn down. Sadly I don’t think that’s the case, I would be happy with spontaneous human combustion. Just the thought of SHC makes me smile a little.

I even tried to fix it but the door just hangs there like a boob that has never seen a bra in its life. It just hung there so sad ripped off one of the hinges like a baby torn from its mother arms. It angers me but what can you do except set up a camera but I’m not gonna do that….yet.

Hall Pass - Review

Today, this is gonna be short and sweet. Today I saw a movie called Hall Pass. This movie is supposed to be a comedy, it has its funny moments but I would put this movie in a section called “ha ha we fooled you thanks for the money.” I don’t like to give negative reviews to movies but it has been a real long time since a movie has angered me so much. It seems like this movie was written by a man hater who doesn’t understand how evolution ever took place without a woman overseeing everything. Don’t get me wrong I am very equal opportunity I believe women are just as stupid as men, on the flip side I also believe that men are just as smart as women and I cant stand it when people imply otherwise. This movie craps all over men but not just being dumb, I know we’re dumb, but being weak. This seemed like a personal attack so here is what I think.

There is a scene in this movie where the men just got caught doing something stupid and are now sitting in the back seat while the mother figures sit in the front seats and stop on the side of the road and begin to yell at their child like husbands. I will try to be clear on my opinion about this, any woman that treats their husband like this, regardless if he deserves it, just needs to get divorced. There is never a reason to talk down to anyone, I mean come on who do you think you are. Now to the man who lets his woman talk to him like this, you need to pick up your skirt grab your balls and start acting like a man. A man doesn’t need to talk down to a woman to be a man but if he gets talked down to like a child you don’t get to call yourself a man.

After the guys get their Hall Pass they try to go out and get chicks and obviously don’t know where to go to find a chick to sleep with, what the hell. These guys are so pathetic they go to Applebees to look for girls, which is funny, but what guy in their right mind would ever do that if he actually wanted to sleep with someone. I understand that the theme of this movie is for the guys to realize that they really don’t want to sleep with someone else but it also has almost nothing to do with love. Its more like not wanting to ruin something that has been built. A real man never gives up this much power in a relationship, these guys have practically castrated themselves as an offering on the alter of their wives vagina. PATHETIC!!!

The greatest statement of prevention of any of this is something I heard a long time ago, the man said, “we have a deal, if she ever doesn’t want me around all she has to do is tell me and I will leave with just the clothes on my back.” That is a MAN.

I hated this movie it gets 1 smelly finger and I bet you can guess which finger it is!!!

A Letter To A Lady At Wal-Mart

The other day coming home from the movies I decided to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some things, the process was like it usually is, you know, painful. Everything you need is like half a block from each other and when you finally jog a mile to get all 3 things it is that you need now you have to deal with the check out process. I like to go to self check out just because there is no one there usually but this time, of course, there were 3 people and the first person acted like this was the first day without a loin cloth. Fumbling and stumbling around those stupid machines and yet getting no where, so what’s the brilliant idea I had, 20 items or less, but the person in front of you never has less. When I get in the new line the first person in the other line finally finishes, but I’ve gone too far to turn back now. Everything seems like its clear sailing to the car but the evil entity known as Wal-Mart still had one more trick up her shrewish sleeve. I was putting my things in the car and as usual gonna leave the basket out of the way in a big empty striped spot between the handicapped parking signs, totally out of anyones way. Then this lady, that I can only describe as small and skinny with big sunglasses, brings her shopping cart and just leaves it behind my car. I have to reverse to get out of the space and this stupid inconsiderate super skank looked at me and left it behind my car. I may have yelled a thing or two at her but nothing with real impact. So in the spirit of being a nice guy the following letter is for her and anyone that would ever do such a blatantly rude thing.

Dear Lady at Wal-Mart

Why did you put your basket right behind my car while I was standing there? Is it because someone wronged you? Were you molested as a child or perhaps beaten by your foster parents? If you were in a hurry you could have asked me and I would have put it away for you but you didn’t. You chose to go out of your way to make someone elses day just a little bit worse for no reason. I don’t hate you, as a matter of fact I pitty you because small minds think in small ways. If I were a different person or in a really bad mood I would have taken that basket back to your car and picked it up and thrown it at you, but I try to be a nice person. I am not angry but just need clarification, I don’t understand people that do things like that. I don’t think you’re a bad person but I think if that behavior continues you stand a real good chance of meeting some nice guy on a day that he isn’t feeling so nice.

Love,
The Nice guy with a Smelly Finger