Pedophile Holidays Are Coming

I was staring at my neighbors through the blinds I began to think about the upcoming holiday. Halloween was an awesome holiday when I could go around to the neighbors houses and ask for candy even if I didn’t have a costume, because we were poor and cheap. But that happened until my parents remembered that we were poor and lived in a bad neighborhood. They finally woke up to the idea of playing Pedophile Russian roulette with all the houses around us. It just seemed like a bad idea walking around from drug dealer house to drug dealer house in the dark hoping they don’t let their fighting dogs out to kill my whole family. I remember going trick or treating 1 time and I was kind of bitter about that we didn’t do it more until I sat down and thought about it.

Halloween has got to be one of the creepiest holidays that there are, not only in the childhood story ways of scaring your kids. Other than the occult viewpoint of the holiday, the scare stories started with the old razor in the candy and that only happened in an isolated incident. But Halloween is a holiday where everyone gets to practice pedophile marketing. You have to let the kiddies know that there is candy in your house and it’s the kind they like….. isn’t that what pedophiles do all year round. Even this new idea of Trunk or Treat is a horrible idea, you don’t need to create the positive link of candy and your SUV. Once again this is something that pedophiles try to do all the time. Halloween should be a fun holiday but there is no real way to get candy from strangers without letting your kids think its OK to get candy from strangers.

I just need to make a quick mention of Christmas for parents, stop letting your kid sit on Santas lap. Kids are not stupid there is a reason they cry. Uncle Grabby Hands wants to be Santa because it’s the easiest way to get kids to sit on his boner. Its even worse than Halloween because free candy is cool but free toys are really awesome. As an adult I would still sit on Santas lap if I was guaranteed some toys. I’m not gay but some free toys is worth a small crying session…. Well at least to me.

So the moral of the story is….. you cant win when it comes to your kids, Good Luck Parents!!!!

The Imaginary Exploits of Social Deprivation

First let me say I am not agoraphobic, I don’t like going outside…. There’s a difference. Ever since I was a kid I have spent all my time alone, I had friends at school but my school life never leaked out into my personal life. My mind learned how to entertain itself from a very young age and this little entertainment grew and grew over the years and developed into an entire world. I did none of this through my own will it was all accidental, a direct result of my social deprivation. These are my imaginary exploits.
Lately I have been waking up with a sore neck and the scary part is I think its because I’m getting too fat. I woke up today with the dreaded neck ache creeping its way up the back of my head turning into a headache. My right eye was still sore and blurry from being buried in my pillow. Dragging bare feet so I can get to my shirt that was left on the other side of the room. During the trek to cover my fat naked torso I start to contemplate how fat my neck has become.
I believe my neck has gone beyond looking like a pack of weenies to looking like a pack of ground beef. Like those guys you see on tv like Half Ton Dad and all those other shows that make you consider becoming anorexic. The road I have started down is a long and dangerous road that ends with me doing the splits all the time while I lay in bed. On the one hand I have always wanted to do the splits on the other hand what’s the point of doing the splits if it isn’t to kick someone in the head. My heart starts to beat a little faster and the pain in my neck begins to intensify because I’m focused on it. How close am I to becoming bed ridden and how fast am I getting fatter? At this split second I am reminded of a scene from “The Nutty Professor” where Eddie Murphy is dreaming and he keeps getting fatter and fatter until, “he’s like king kong with titties.”
Being bed ridden may not be so bad after all. I never leave my house anyways and my body type will finally match my body image.(cue violins for low self esteem) I begin to live out a day, in my mind, as a human mattress.
I am totally spread out on my queen sized bed, I feel the right side of my stomach/back fat hanging off of one side of the bed. I wake up because something is poking me in the back, is that the feeling of my kidney finally giving up? Nope, I fell asleep tweeting last night and it’s my laptop poking me in the back…. Whew, that was a close one. I feel a tug in my crotch as I try to adjust, my catheter tube is caught in the blanket, “Help, I cant reach the tube!” I yell into the darkness around me in hopes that my family didn’t finally leave me to my self imposed prison.
“WHAT” an annoyed voice yells from the other room
“My tube is stuck and it hurts, help me out” I cry back
“Not my job but I’ll wake the nurse” the voice mutters
In walks a 5’7” Mexican princess (shut up, its my daydream and I cast the characters as I see fit) in a nurses uniform. “Good morning, what seems to be the problem” she says wiping the sleep from her eyes. She spots the tube and takes care of it right away. I make a joke that makes her laugh and the room lights up for a millisecond before I remember that she is my nurse for a reason. Being bed ridden will always seem to take the pimp out my limp. The bed ridden depression already starts to set in, but on the bright side I don’t have to get out of bed to pee anymore. This day already sucks but there is no way it can get too much worse, right….. wrong.
“so, when’s breakfast?”
“right after your morning workout” the nurse says with a slight grin
I knew it, she hates me and enjoys putting me through pain. Well I can’t move so working out can’t be that bad. The nurse turns on the lights and hiding in the darkness are stationary cameras not only to judge me but make me self conscious about everything I do. “What the hell is that?” I growl pointing at the camera
“your going to be on Jerry Springer today, remember.” she says with a giggle in her voice. Laugh it up you bastard I’m going to need to poop soon then revenge will be mine….. Mine I tell you.(sorry that’s my inner super villain)
Well its workout time, gotta look good if I’m going to be on tv. I wonder what we are going to start with, then I hear the music….. It cant be. “Are you ready?” a very feminine male voice squawks from outside. The up tempo oldies is the first clue to who it is. Then he walks in and makes me wish I would have died in my sleep. Richard Simmons is the celebrity trainer they got for me especially for the show.
(I’m skipping this part because I never knew exercise could feel like rape)
I suddenly feel like the little girl from Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory, with a huge body and little bitty limbs poking out from the monstrosity. Forever a turtle stuck on its back unless the arm raises can get me back on my feet. Here comes breakfast finally, I bet if nothing else is good breakfast will be good.
“here you go” my nurse says as she stretches her arm toward me to reveal my ultimate disappointment.
“an apple?” I can feel my fore head start to heat up as the anger boils and my blood pressure almost kills me. If I wasn’t so hungry I would throw It at her, she is lucky I am hungry and have horrible aim.
(I awoke from this day dream because you don’t need to live out a whole day to understand that this sucks and that’s as far as I got before I found my shirt)
Is this my future, is this the life that I am destined to live…. Hell no its not. Its time to work out, right after cereal and cartoons for breakfast.

Getting Older Sucks

I would like to start by saying my birthday is tomorrow and my bday always makes me want to fight somebody. I’m going to be 28, its not that old but your 10 years away from 18 and 12 years away from 40. When you look at it like that makes you want to dig your heels in and fight it but time is like Mexican food it always catches up with you. I wish I was the kind of person that could just celebrate by getting drunk but I’m not, I’m the kind of person that is going to analyze every angle of it until I go crazy. My birthday is like a flashback episode of the last year of being me, except its not funny like tv its mostly just sad like the news. I’m not afraid of getting older but the thought of where I will be in 5 or 10 years really makes me nervous. Let me tell you why.

I recently, and by recently I mean last August, quit a job that I loved and had for 3 years with the county but I had been with the county for 5 or 6 years(I cant remember) and before that I was working part time at the job I most recently quit. Now I am unemployed on purpose but when you hold your future in your own hand and don’t hand it off to someone else it tends to makes you nervous. I like to think life is meant to be spent taking steps forward, but with this recent move it seems like a giant leap backwards.

I loved birthdays when I was a kid and there is almost nothing better in life than cake….. Mmmmm cake. But what are you really celebrating, a night when your parents had all the kids they wanted and destroyed that because they didn’t have cable….. Woo hoo lets party. Maybe we are celebrating the miracle of life that happens a bazillion times a day, I don’t know if something that happens that much is really a miracle. Is it Life that you celebrate when its your birthday, tell me if I’m mistaken but a great life is celebrated by just experiencing it, if someone has to stop your life to remind you to celebrate then its probably not that good. I’m probably just being bitter but Birthdays blow, Hard!

5 Creative Marketing Ideas

Standing out is the key to marketing a.k.a. getting your name out there without spending tons of money. Have you ever seen a big guy in a red shirt? Of course you have, we all have, that is standing out in a sea of conformity. The big guy is your company and it needs to wear a bold color to shout to the world, “here I am, look at me, I matter.”

I’ve been thinking for a while and here are 5 creative marketing tips that could push your business to a new place(don’t forget these are just ideas):

1. If your brand is a hip brand or something that hits big with teens, give it away to influential high school kids. If the product is good enough they will be so grateful they will spread the word to their friends and followers on social media.

2. Give your product away to another business as payment for them to cross promote your product to their customers. If they are not similar or conflicting then it is very possible that another business would go for it.


3. Put your website or your business name on your cars rear window and leave the car parked near the from of a major super market all day (have a friend pick you up or something). A sticker for your window will not cost very much money, you might even bargain with the business that does them as well.

4.Everyone has sponsored baseball teams, but I suggest taking it one step further and sponsoring different groups of people around your town or other towns. Whether it be groups of friends or entire groups of guys that work together…. Feel free to be creative with this one. (don’t be lazy I gave you the idea, run with it)

5. Use your passion to push your business. If your passionate about drawing and you sell carparts, use the drawing social network like deviant art, or art wanted. Whatever your passion get in with those people if your are not already, be bold start conversations with strangers. Chances are they don’t know anyone that does what you do and people are always happy to tell their friends, “ I know a person that might be able to help you.”

These are just ideas maybe they can spark your imagination or you will use one of these, but the key is to stand out and do what the next guy won’t.

Marketing .... It's Hard

Marketing is tricky on the internet. Don’t believe me, well think of how many brand names there are on the net and now think how big the net is. If you take into account how big the net is then its almost nothing that has a brand name, only about a tenth of 1% and that a high estimate. You can find a lot of information about marketing on the internet but after reading the article I usually say to myself, “well, I’ve never even heard of this guy…. Is that his fault or mine?” The articles you find on the net starts to sound the same after a while but I think because the information is simple and true. Most of the marketing is going to get lost down the well of the net but depending on your tenacity the net can be a dead end well or it can seem like that at first but will end up being like the rabbit hole and has a wonderful world on the other side of it.

The real key to marketing isn’t going to be found on the net, mostly because a lot of it is the same and those people don’t know how to promote their site either. If everyone does the same thing then no one really stands out. So what’s the key to marketing you ask….. Stand out!! How do you stand out you ask….. (What’s with all the questions…. just kidding I don’t mind, ask away) the only real way to stand out is to be yourself (sounds cheesy huh, but its true). Your unique ideas mixed with your interests equals a marketing plan that is solely yours and makes you stand out from everyone else. This can be a bit challenging so I invite everyone who reads this to contribute an idea in the comments to help get the creative juices flowing.