Oh How I Hate Mexico - Border Fears

A long long time ago in a country not so far away…….. A man had a vision of his own future. He saw a future where his children didn’t beg for money or sell Chiclets. This man took upon himself to change the destiny of himself and his unborn children. Like Rambo he took on what seemed like an impossible task and came out the other side alive. This man is my father. He knew America was the place to be but what he did not foresee were the effects America would have on his children. Most Mexicans think of it as raising Mexican children in America instead of Mexican parents raising American children in America.

I don’t like to speak Spanish (mainly because of all the old Mexican ladies saying “Oh listen to how he sounds that’s so cute”, great way to give a kid a complex) and the idea of going to Mexico scares and enrages me (I figure my dad came to this country so why leave it). So my dad was born in Mexico but my family might as well have been in this country for generations with how American me and my siblings are.

I started with that so I could tell you what has happened that has solidified my fear of and determination to stay out of Mexico. Especially because of recent developments and stories in the media going to Mexico even for a little while looks like they might keep you there if you slightly appear like you could be from there. My dad needed to go with his buddy to Mexico to a border town and (bum bum buuuummmm) he needed someone to drop him off. It turned out to be me and my sister to take my dad and his buddy.

The road trip itself was not that bad but fast forward about 4 ½ hours and no one has any idea to find the park that we were supposed to drop them off at and El Paso is totally unfamiliar to all of us. There was light at the end of the tunnel we saw a sign that said Exit 22b so we followed it. Then there it was in giant letters “MEXICO” ….. my heart dropped into my feet and I could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. I started gripping my seat like I was in a falling airplane and I was bracing for impact. I scrambled looking for a place to turn around or at least a glimmer of hope. Nothing…. We cross the fence into the jungle.

Its like the Spanish channel but no one has big boobs and everyone looks like they want to kill me. Even though I was in a car full of people I have never felt more alone. There are probably still grip marks in the seat and arm rest. Suddenly we found the park, the whole reason we couldn’t find it was because it was in Mexico. I hold onto my door and my hand on my knife. The nightmare looks like its almost over, we find a place to turn around and head back to the border. We drop off my dad as near as we can to the most official looking person with an automatic weapon.

Is that where the story ends… of course not. We end up back in the lines but this time the fence says America(yay!!). The sweat rolls down my forehead and drips over my eye, I begin to get even more nervous because I realize I’m going to look nervous. I have heard that you need a passport come back into America and we didn’t have one. Its our turn, my heart skips a beat and I hold my breath. The guy in the booth waves us up and asks us a ton of questions starting with where are we from. He takes our I.D.s and goes back into his booth, and stays there for a long time. I do my best to appear calm but my heart is beating so hard I can almost see my shirt move. A second person strolls up from behind the car asking us to look in the trunk. I bite my lips and get the taste of hot fries from earlier in day. The guy leans over and tells us they are going to search our car, he still doesn’t give us our I.D.s. At this point my sister starts complaining about how we are Americans being treated like criminals but all I can think is that prison wont be that bad once I get past all the rape. They tell us to get out of the car and look the other way, two more official looking people march up to us, one of them yelling at another things you would hear a coworker yell at a friend.

Finally they hand us our I.D.s and tell us were are free to go. At this point I cant hear anything I just want to get the hell away from the border. I will never go to Mexico again but most importantly I hate Mexico and Border Patrol!!! And now I really hate drug runners….. Really hate ‘em!!!

Comedy Is Hard- A Night Of Horror

Everybody likes to think they’re funny. Truth is, not everybody is. Turns out comedy really is hard. I have never known how true that was until I went to an open mic with an aspiring comedian buddy of mine.

The night started regular enough, with me sitting at home trying to come up with a reason not to go. But I decided to go ahead and meet him there. He told me he was going to go up for an open mic (it was less of an open mic and more of an amateur comedy challenge) in front of a lot of people, so I thought I should be there for support or at the very least to throw the first stone to get the ball rolling. A really loud band was playing and it was very mediocre but it was ok because a Professional Comedian would be coming up after the open mic. The room applauded as the band finished their song but I could see my buddy trying to hide his nerves as he sipped his drink that was only missing an umbrella. I guess he was trying to loosen up before he had to go up but who can blame him, I get crippling stage fright so who am I to criticize his process.

The MC goes up. He does this weird little dance thing where I’m pretty sure everybody is laughing at him instead of with him. I would soon learn that laughs are laughs. The MC tells his corny jokes but they’re hard to hear over the obnoxious rumbling coming from a man hating bachelorette party. He finally finishes and begins to announce the first person up for the open mic. My buddy is up first. He starts to walk up and he takes the microphone in his hand and looks at the stage, the bands equipment is still there. By the look on his face he was thinking the same thing I was and that was Where exactly is he supposed to perform? He decides to do it right where he’s standing, no lighting and poor visibility are his only friends. The MC had given an explanation about the “Amateur” comedians, Don’t expect anything good is what his words meant to say( that guy was a douche). He had either set up my buddy and his opponent for failure or was telling a truth that was so pure he didn’t even understand how true it was. I have hear most of my buddys jokes before and he’s a funny guy but there was something about him that this room just loathed the minute he occupied the space in front of the stage.

My buddy tells his jokes, only the sound of drunk talk in the back of the room can be heard. I couldn’t laugh because I was being choked by the hate emanating from the room. I couldn’t believe it, I knew he was an amateur but I never knew a room could be so cruel to a person. It only got worse when his opponent went up. The room hated his opponent and his jokes weren’t funny. I was dumbfound by the experience of being in a room that could be so closed to them. To add insult to injury the verdict was is and by a small margin my buddys opponent had won the night, corny jokes and impressions had beat out original material that actually was better.

Its going to be a hard road for him. Standing in the darkness telling your jokes into a room that is only expressing a distaste for anything you say is not only what my buddy went through but its what every comedian goes through. Tough.

Business Inspirations- Jesse James

A blue collar guy that somehow made his way onto TV. Reality TV celebrity is nothing to aspire for, that is not what makes Jesse James cool. Monster Garage was a great show (am I right welders) but greater than Monster Garage is Jesse James original creation, West Coast Choppers.

I just finished the Jesse James book American Outlaw (I recommend it if you’re a Jesse James fan) and it confirmed my suspicions that Jesse James is one of the coolest people on the planet. This man carries what I believe to be some of the most important characteristics of not only a business person but also a leader. The first of which is that Jesse James is a Hard worker. Hard work is the cornerstone of success, only the lucky can become successful without hard work (you know what I mean if your anything like me the closest you would get to beating the odds is by being struck by lightning). If you have seen any of the Motorcycle Mania documentaries then you know that he doesn’t necessarily have a super outgoing personality or live on drama. So Jesse James ascension to success hinges on his work ethic and his creativity.

The second characteristic of a great business man and leader is Creativity. Jesse James has loads of creativity, it is very evident by his motorcycle designs. Creativity is only as good as the person who wields it though. Lots of people are artistic and creative but only when it’s applied correctly can it become useful in things other than art. Being a businessman means your going to have to be a skilled problem solver and no one is a better problem solver than a creative person. The old phrase “think outside the box” implies you need to think different than the average person but creative people don’t even live in or near the box. Creativity was Jesse James best ally on his rise was his creativity. Sometimes opportunity doesn’t present itself with a bow wrapped around it but it needs to be sniffed out and dug for, that is usually why creative people can find opportunity in a place where it doesn’t look like there is any.

Overall Jesse James is tough, smart, creative and a hard worker. A regular guy that proved that enough hard work can conquer all obstacles. I want to be just like him…. Kinda, except for the tattoos, they look like they hurt.

Top 10 Reasons Facebook Can Make You Crazy

I have always had a fascination with Facebook but not in a good way( I don’t mean that in a dirty way). I didn’t understand (and I still don’t) what compels a person to put 500 pictures of themselves on a Facebook page. I used to know a guy that talked in Facebook updates, short little sentences to let you know what he’s been doing and the only way to show approval was to give him a thumbs up (that guy almost drove me insane until I started taking naps when we worked together). I’m an old fashioned kind of guy though, if I want to talk to someone I will usually go visit them, Facebook is like looking in your friends window with all his other friends gathered around you. Which brings me to the first reason in my top 10 list of why Facebook will drive you crazy-

10. It lets you know how many friends you have…. Or in my case don’t have. (awww, sad face)

9. Pictures of food. Nobody cares what you ate for dinner(We all know your fat…. Because we know you). This one drives me up the wall, It makes me want to show you what my food looks like when I’m done with it( that’s right folks, it’s a poop joke).

8. Racism. Its funny to know what your friends think when they forget who’s watching. Racism has never been so entertaining! As long as it doesn’t offend you.

7. Finding a Yearbook becomes a research project. When you cross reference your yearbook with Facebook you feel like a Private Investigator and a stalker. When hot chicks stay hot a little piece of me dies inside.

6. Facebook invites people to snoop into your life. Just because your friends can view your page doesn’t mean that they should memorize it.

5. Horrible spelling. Being a horrible speller on the internet is like having a speech impediment, everybody knows what you mean but chances are your gonna get made fun of.

4. Awkward status updates. “Hey everyone, I just had Sex!” I’m sure my Pastor and my Aunt Milly will love that one.

3. Reliving the mundane. Yes I remember that time, do you know why…. It might be because I was there, as a matter of fact we are still here!

2. Annoying phone reminders. I feel bad for anyone that has lots of friends and has their phone connected to Facebook. It’s a great way to lose friends or just start hating them.

And my number 1 reason Facebook can drive you crazy….

1. Pictures. I hate pictures so much. So many people are recording their life and I’m coming up behind them trying to edit myself out. “Hey where were you for that picture” Me- “Oh, I uh went to the bathroom”

All in all Facebook can be fun but I want to see the research in a few years that shows how Facebook is the leading cause of Manslaughter for ages 30 to 40.

Your Not A Bully If You Don’t Start It- The Insult Jedi

Having the gift of insults is tricky. You can be called mean and a bully but having this gift is like being able to control The Force. It can be used for evil(or “the dark side”) or it can be mastered by a JedI but it all depends on how you use it.

Being a bully is giving someone trouble when they don’t ask for it and throwing your weight around only because you can. Just because your not doing physical harm doesn’t mean your not doing harm. Throwing around insults for no reason is a real douche thing to do. You can always tell who this guy is because they are always self important and doing their best to be an alpha male. More often than not they will be wearing one of those silly Affliction or Ed Hardy t-shirts and look like one of the guys from the Jersey Shore (douche bags). Very rarely are these bullies masters of the insult arts though. Their go to is usually going to be obvious like how fat or ugly you are, while those are always good fallbacks they should never be a real masters go to. The way a Sith lord will use Force Lightning is how Bullies use actual information from your life (if the bully is someone you know) like a divorce or an eviction, it’s a real low move but nothing is too low for a bully. If a Bully is a master of the insult arts then your just left with a real problem on your hands. This kind of person can reach into the shadows of a persons soul and pull out their inner most insecurities and put them on display in the museum of Laugh At You Until You Cry.

On the bright side there must be balance in the Force.

Its very easy to confuse a JedI insult master and a Sith insult master. If your watching from the outside all you see is two people in a heated insult battle that could make a normal person give up on life. JedI only use The Force for either self defense or the protection of others much the same as an insult master. The main difference is intent. There is no such thing as a well meaning person that just has to throw his weight around because he cant help it. A true master hones his skills by joking with friends and family but never pushing the limits or crossing the line. That’s how a master becomes a master is by being able to insult a person without truly offending them. He uses the verbal finesse of a poet and the hilarity of a comedian. Lots of people think they can be insult masters but only very few can reach the JedI Level of Mastery. JedI do not invoke Force lightning, its not because they cant but they wont. It’s a technique that is too low for a real JedI. I mean come on why should I only make fun of how ugly or fat you are when all the Bigfoot sightings around your house are because you like to go outside without a shirt. (it not only makes fun of hairiness but also height, foot size, and indirectly ugliness)

The ability to crush someone is intoxicating and smells of victory but should never be initiated by the master. Its not only the quick way down the path of being a butt hole but if your not tough it’s a good way to get beat up!

Cartooning 101- Fun With Circles- Simple Cartoon Character

The beauty of cartooning is that there are no real rules. You are free to do anything you want but before you can break the rules you need to learn a few fundamentals. If you think there is no way you can draw your own cartoon character take a look at how easy it is. From a simple circle you can make a little character that with a little writing can come to life and jump right off the page. This entire character was done in Inkscape in less than 5 minutes. Lets see how easy it is.

1. If you cant tell from the picture start with a simple circle.

2. Two smaller circles for eyes. The big circle at this point is a face.

3. To show direction solid smaller circles for iris/pupil inside the eyes.

4. A small half circle in the middle of the big circle as a nose.

5. Another half circle but with the open end up at the bottom of the big circle to be a smiling mouth.

6. Closed half circle under each side of the big circle as feet and now you have a simple cartoon character.

And that is how easy it is to create a simple cartoon characters out of a circle. The use of the eyes and the mouth can be used to convey emotion but more on that in the future….. Until the Future.

Why Cant I Own A Monkey?

What is it about a monkey that makes people think your weird? The guy in front of the Wal-Mart with a monkey isn’t panhandling he’s putting on a performance and taking donations, why is that different? I have always wanted a monkey but the idea of having to take care of something that could one day rip my face off just seems like a bad idea. But I still want one.

I was kidding around one day with my brother and sister about getting me a monkey and everyone was laughing until it stopped. The smile left everyones face and then they asked “your not really gonna do it, are you?” Of course not it was a joke… Kinda. It was as if a film crew from TLC popped out of nowhere and things got all interventiony. They were really serious and telling me how it would be a bad idea if I got a monkey and how would I take care of it when getting off the couch is the most exercise I get some days. What if one day it went crazy?

I got to thinking about that and it occurred to me that if I get taken out by a monkey its only because I wanted to die. I know monkies are strong but I mean come on, whenever they kill someone its always some old lady or freakish weirdo that was probably trying to molest the monkey anyways. How many times does a regular guy get punked by a monkey or even better how many times does someone that can throw a punch get beat up by a monkey? I’ve never heard of it. I could never let a monkey punk me, if I were to get cornered, Monkies have balls too right? Problem solved. Other than abusive zoo keepers how many people have ever punched a monkey in the face, honestly.

But finally I realized why I could never own a monkey. Fistfights. If I were to feel threatened by the monkey and was actually in danger I would knuckle up and go down like a champ. And the worst part would be if neither of us got really injured then I would have to explain why me and the monkey have black eyes and keep staring each other down. I saw Planet Of The Apes, they’re not gonna take over the planet without getting punched in the face a few times.

Dear Hipsters- A Letter to Hipsters

The following is a letter to hipsters.

Dear hipsters,

I don’t understand. When I went to school there were no hipsters. Is it an invasion? I remember everyone having their own space, for instance jocks, slackers, skaters, gangsters, and nerds. You see what I mean, no hipsters. I don’t understand what exactly you are. The definition of a hipster is a person that follows the latest trends and values independent thinking. That doesn’t make sense to me, you cant be an independent thinker and follow all the latest trends….. Right? I don’t hate you but I don’t understand you and I have never been able to have a successful conversation with a hipster. The only friendly hipsters I have ever met have been homosexual, now that I think about it maybe they just dressed like hipsters.

I’m so confused because there is this new group of people and I don’t even know how to communicate with them. Its also kinda hard to take anyone serious that is wearing skinny jeans. I understand that women wear tight jeans but when men started wearing the exact same jeans once again just confusion. I went to a coffee house and it looked like Old Navy threw up in there. I have met so many with smug attitudes, I don’t mind though. I guess they could tell I wasn’t one of them because I wasn’t wearing the uniform. Smug attitudes usually bother me but if the hipsters I met hadn’t turned their nose up at me we would have spent time laughing about his pants and how they made him look like a teenage girl.

I guess I’m just not cool enough to get it.

Love,
Giggles McSlappybottom

Funniest Cartoons- The Brak Show

I will be sharing some of my favorite cartoons that made me laugh the hardest starting with one of my favorites, The Brak Show.  Brak was part of the Space Ghost cartoon back in the day and then reappeared on Cartoon Networks Space Ghost Coast to Coast. 
He was so hilarious on that show that he was given his own show. While this show was on the air I only happened to catch it once or twice but it made such an impact on me I had to buy the dvds. This show had me peeing my pants in no time and I’m certain it will get you too.

Thoughts In A Wal-Mart Part 2

Walking into a Wal-Mart has got to be what its like to trudge your way through a post apocalyptic wasteland. I picture myself like Denzel Washington in the book of Eli every time I walk into a that horrible place. Here are a few thoughts.

“Ugh here we go again” “what are you looking at fat guys can be in the fruit aisle too” “what an ugly baby” “I never thought I would see a baby whose life would be improved by being dropped” “why do people look at me funny when I wear my Green Lantern shirt” “I wish I had a green lantern ring, I would use it to make a basket to carry all of my stuff but it would be like a chariot” “why does shopping here feel like I’m kicking human rights right in the balls”

One of my trips to Wal-Mart is never complete until I get to the toy aisle.

“here we go, lets see what transformers they have” “what the hell is up with these prices since I was a kid” “what are you looking at kid I can look at transformers too” “toy aisles are the best place to fart” “bombs away kid, enjoy” “I bet I look like a retard in the toy aisle with my Green Lantern shirt” “uh oh I’m feeling self conscious I think its time to go”