I was kidding around one day with my brother and sister about getting me a monkey and everyone was laughing until it stopped. The smile left everyones face and then they asked “your not really gonna do it, are you?” Of course not it was a joke… Kinda. It was as if a film crew from TLC popped out of nowhere and things got all interventiony. They were really serious and telling me how it would be a bad idea if I got a monkey and how would I take care of it when getting off the couch is the most exercise I get some days. What if one day it went crazy?
I got to thinking about that and it occurred to me that if I get taken out by a monkey its only because I wanted to die. I know monkies are strong but I mean come on, whenever they kill someone its always some old lady or freakish weirdo that was probably trying to molest the monkey anyways. How many times does a regular guy get punked by a monkey or even better how many times does someone that can throw a punch get beat up by a monkey? I’ve never heard of it. I could never let a monkey punk me, if I were to get cornered, Monkies have balls too right? Problem solved. Other than abusive zoo keepers how many people have ever punched a monkey in the face, honestly.
But finally I realized why I could never own a monkey. Fistfights. If I were to feel threatened by the monkey and was actually in danger I would knuckle up and go down like a champ. And the worst part would be if neither of us got really injured then I would have to explain why me and the monkey have black eyes and keep staring each other down. I saw Planet Of The Apes, they’re not gonna take over the planet without getting punched in the face a few times.
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