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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

New Study Says Pot Makes You Dumb?

Fox news reports (so you know it’s the “truth”) that a new study shows that weed use causes a drop in IQ over time. If this is true this explains so many things about the people that I have known in my life but there is a fundamental flaw in this research. If this research is taken from the numbers from the test that are taken over time then that is going to be the flaw in this research. You cant expect a pot head to take a test and do well.

Have you ever met a pot head in real life, even the smart ones don’t look like the kind of people that feel like taking a test, especially to disprove the usefulness of Marijuana. Lets break down what a pot does to a person before we breakdown what these studies are showing. First of all this story is being put out by the Propaganda machine known as Fox News. Pot makes you lots of things like hungry, lazy, and all around paranoid. But one of the things pot also does it that it makes you examine the mundane that the rest of us take for granted. A pot head will spend hours contemplating why the number 9 is just the 6 doing a handstand. But one of the other things that it makes you contemplate is the usefulness of a study on something that should be legal when all the other legal drugs in our country are so much worse. How many pot related drunk driving accidents are there in a year or how many pot related lung cancer deaths? This entire argument is just arguing the same things over and over.

There is a joke, I think it’s a Bill Hicks joke, that talks about how pot doesn’t make you unmotivated because you have the same amount of motivation but pot just helps you realize it isn’t worth the effort. This is very true, so if you ask me the reason the IQ scores for these people go down is because they have seen beyond the IQ score only to realize that this study is just to prove what the people funding the research want proven to keep weed illegal. So who cares? Just the people in charge.

Maybe weed is bad for you but so is Alcohol, tobacco, guns, hamburgers, candy, soda, potato chips, sunlight, all types of medication, cars, tv, video games, movies, porn, tattoos, rock and roll, piercings, laziness, and almost anything else you might enjoy, so just enjoy!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Does Ape “Genius” Mean The End Of Humanity?

Its finally happening, Discovery news reports that they have identified a way above average chimp named Natasha. This chimp has outperformed all the other chimps on the test they administered but it wasn’t enough that she did better than everyone else she nearly aced every test. My question is what does this mean to the rest of the world?

If you’re a christian watching a genius monkey what goes through your mind? Anyone on the side of evolution is gonna think, logically I might add, that these types of things happen in the small window of time we have in the larger platform of evolution where the major change happens. But I would assume the average homosexual hating christian is going to think about every decision that they have ever made leading them up to the point of blindly not believing in evolution, then they’ll drag their knuckles over to a local bingo barn where, they obviously think about all things of the universe, and talk to Bubba and Hoss about this chimp. After a few of the lords beers they will get a message from their “god” spelled out in the alphabet soup they just vomited up in the parking lot and decide to go kill the chimp. But then again I’m just guessing that’s what happens in the middle of the country. (don’t forget I’m a christian too, I just like making fun of the stupid ones)

I just wonder what this means on a grander human scale. If there is a genius chimp that exists there will be a time that the super genius monkey will exist and at the rate humanity is devolving maybe there needs to be a new animal at the top of the food chain. But like any good human will do, we will be sure to kill the rise of the super genius chimps to make sure they wont use up all “our” resources and take all the low level jobs that no one but illegal immigrants want because only then will the immigration debate end. We will band together as stupid people and once again try and stop something mother earth has put into motion to destroy us that we believe is the work of the devil! GO HUMANS!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Stinkin Monkies 13- Silly Hipsters

If you've ever seen a hipster then you know exactly what its like to just want to go up to them and start laughing.  Hipsters are so silly, from the way they dress to the fact that they think they're all unique by being the same.  They make me laugh because they wear girl pants, skinny jeans, you can call them what you want but they only look good on girls. Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Are Autism Studies Suspicious?

A Study was release in the journal Nature where the research was based on 78 Icelandic families with children that either had schizophrenia or autism. They have found that the age of the father is most responsible for the abnormalities in the genetic code. These combined families had 44 children with autism and 21 that were schizophrenic. This study seems strangely suspicious to me.

To blame autism on age is way too easy. There have always been old guys have kids with younger women, especially before it became illegal. So what, the median age of fathers has risen and now that’s the cause in the sudden surge of autism in recent years. This seems like a cop out to me. The study found that there is the same chance of autism in a 30 year old father as there is in a 40 year old father. If it truly is age there would be a difference in chances the older you get, right?

On the other hand age may have a role to play but I think its in a much different way than expected. I just want to say that no one has all the answers but I think these people are not looking at the real factors based solely out of self interest from their investors. In my opinion age may have something to do with a risk factor but not in a genetic error way they way these scientists are purposing. I think age may have a lot to do with it but its because of all the garbage that is shoveled into our bodies through bad choices and factors that we are completely unaware of. The tiny amounts of deadly ingredients in processed food to the crap that goes into a plastic cup that you drink out of. There are factors all around us that only seem to grow in number but studies do not bring in the accumulation of all the factors, they will usually only isolate one factor to prove that it has nothing to do with that 1 product.

There is a type of Autism where the child seems fine until about the age of 2 then they just seem to regress. I don’t buy it. When a seemingly healthy child suddenly contracts a disease that is supposed to be genetic during a very sensitive age still sounds like crap to me. It seems like these kids bodies just cant handle the barrage of chemicals thrown at them from every direction. I know of a case where the autistic childs mother just happens to be a meth addict and the type of autism this child has was the regressive kind, coincidence I don’t think so.

You claim that the median age is rising and that is to blame for the rise in autism. I say garbage that we interact with on a daily basis is growing right along with autism but I challenge you to find a study on that. But hey what do I know…..nothing.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Creepy Chinese Fashion Strikes- The Facekini

There are a few reasons that China will never be like America and this is one of the biggest reasons. A complete lack of fashion sense that is so sad its hilarious. Don’t get me wrong I think China is an awesome place full of a great people and history but fashion has never been their strong suit.

China is responsible for some of the worst trends in the world like bootlegging electronics, lead in toys, and Jackie Chan movies…. I’m just kidding on that last one. But the worst thing that has ever come out of China since Sars is the Facekini. Such a hilariously creepy piece of dysfunctional clothing to keep swimmers and beach goers free from getting a tan or sunburned all while looking like a burn victim. I must say when China collectively looks through their year book 20 years from now the disbelief at what a mistake the face sock is going to shock them. Plus we already have this thing its called a ski mask, people use it to ski and rob liquor stores.

I want someone to tell me why in the world this would ever be considered fashionable. Is being pale seen as a good quality in China, its culture I guess but if that’s what you want then stay inside wear a hat and deal with it like the rest of us. There is no reason to go outside looking like a professional Mexican wrestler that is about to hold a childs cartoon at gunpoint.

I cant wait to see the effects of this mask. With only your eyes and mouth showing and your not going to be shy about being inside because the mask fixes everything, then tell me one thing, are the tan lines around your eyes and mouth helping bring in the dates. These people are going to look like they had an eyes and mouth donation from Brazil all the while thinking they look hot in their burn mask.

Hats off to you China, of all the things you have done this is definitely the funniest!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Holy Crap Pakistan Has Blasphemy Laws!!

I’m not a very informed person as you can tell by my blog posts and T-shirt designs. But I saw something today that blew my hair back, Pakistan has blasphemy laws. Holy Crap! I thought we were past these times but, like any other American, I forgot there was a side of the globe that isn’t even close to getting past it.

I am the kind of person that just assumes everything is my fault so whenever something happens in the world I have to look at how I affected it or how it effects me. There is a Christian girl in Pakistan that is being held for allegations of burning a Quran (of which there is no proof). But before I could even pass judgments I first had to think that as a Christian this is how the word was spread all over the world. Sure it was spread organically but as soon as the Romans adopted it that’s when all hell broke loose. So now as a collective Christian community gathers together to pass judgment on something that just a few decades ago we were doing ourselves we remain oblivious to the hypocrisy of it all.

With that being said what the hell is a matter with you, its just a book. The consequences of burning a few measly pages out of this book can result in life in prison and/or execution (I guess life in prison is execution if you wait long enough). Its just a twist to see Christians persecuted, in America it’s the other way around bur its out of sheer stupidity. “Oh no, we have a black president with a bit of an odd name that sounds middle eastern, so lets tell everyone the Muslims are taking over!” I have literally heard people say that by the end of Obamas term they muslims will be chasing us in the streets. And yet we look at Pakistan with disgust when the Muslims hate Christians.

There needs to be a way to fight all the stupid in religion. The only thing that comes to mind is an I.Q. test before being allowed to talk in public, but even that wouldn’t be enough to stop all the rampant ignorance in this country much less the world. I want people to think about Pakistan when they say that America is a Christian nation. Its nowhere near as Christian as Pakistan is Muslim, holy crap when is the last time our government killed someone over taking the lords name in vain, if that ever happened the streets would be running red with blood. So before you jump on your Christian high horse and judge these people just think of a few things like the Salem witch trials, the Crusades, Catholic priests touching little boys, the murders of Muslim American citizens by Christian extremists, Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart, the murders of Gay American citizens by Christian extremists, and last but not least Hitler claimed to be Christian.

Friday, August 17, 2012

UFO Conspiracy- A Not So Quick Review

I just saw an awesome documentary on Netflix called The UFO Conspiracy. This movie was good with the usual cases to show that something weird is happening out there. That’s all well and good but the really cool part came later on in the doc. It presented an idea at the end that was something uncommon among ufo theories.

I have to be honest here before I go on, I freakin love ufo conspiracy not because I believe in aliens but its mostly out of pure fascination. I look at this type of stuff the way a child watches it. Do your remember watching Signs, you know the M. Night Shyamalan movie, the way they were watching the tv when they aliens were showing themselves, that’s how I watch all the documentaries about ufos. I just sit there with my mouth open completely hypnotized by the possibilities of UFOs.

Now that I’ve shared a little of my morbid fascination with UFOs let me tell you what this doc was about. Like I said before it was some pretty standard stuff through out the whole thing. But I think it was the last 15 minutes or so that just blew me away. I have seen some docs talk about like the Sumerians and the Bible and aliens but I have never heard anyone talk about aliens as demons themselves. Its very strange but still at the same time as a christian how powerful do you believe demons to be.  It’s a very uncomfortable thought for a very comfortable christian, I know there are the groups that believe the devils do all kinds of stuff but that is not the point here. The thought that aliens are just demons for a new age, teaching that who cares about Jesus and a whole lot of new age type philosophy.

They liken the alien abduction phenomenon to haunted houses, not only do they all seem crazy to the regular person but all the strangeness around the houses are more than just a little similar. From the dreams to the strange noises and occurrences this doc was trippin me out by comparing the two, the thought had never even crossed my mind.

I say check this documentary out if only for the last half of it. Its made to blow the christian mind.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Is Mothera Real?

Mutant butterflies in Japan are reported after the nuclear disaster. Holy Crap isn’t that how Mothera was created in the first place. We need to hurry up and create a Godzilla just to keep everyone but Tokyo safe. This is so crazy because this is how comic books and childrens cartoons start, this is never supposed to happen in real life.

How can you be expected to sleep at night with the thought that somewhere in the world a mutant butterfly is alive and maybe reproducing. All it takes is 1 X-men like offspring to create an entirely new head of the food chain. Thanks to Japan all those cheesy old fifties movies about killer anything just might become reality. If there are mutant butterflies then why wouldn’t there be mutant ants or the scariest of all the cheesy old movies, Spiders (bum bum buummmmm).

Japan is a tiny island right and they constantly get pummeled by natural type crap right? Why the hell did they put a nuclear facility in the middle of that or even think to really waterproof it? Get your crap together scientists! The one thing I hope can come out of this in a real way is I hope there is a radioactive spider somewhere and it will bite a really nice guy with good morals. Because we’re gonna need a Spiderman to be able to fight off Mothra until we can create a Godzilla. See the predicament you’ve gotten us into Japan.

I’m scared of Spiders, now the possibility of a mutant spider making its way around the world like in Arachnophobia is a real possibility, thanks a lot Japan!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Is It Just Me Or Does Katy Perry Look Like A Foot?

If you’re anything like me this chick has been getting on your nerves for a long time. Its not really her but its what she represents that drives me insane. A general popularized sense of mediocrity. Everything about her is just…. I don’t know how to describe it except, Blah!

She tries her hardest to prove that she is someone crazy and unique but who are you kidding really? If I didn’t have a niece I would even give a crap about this stuff but this kind of stuff just keeps getting shoved down these kids ear holes. When is the last time you heard one of her songs or for that matter any “pop” song and thought I don’t think I could ever do that. She makes herself look like a clown at a kids birthday party and then everyone starts yammering about how unique and different she is. Michael Jackson is the perfect example of someone that proved they were unique and different with their music and dancing and in a far third was his face looking like something from Tales From The Crypt.

Now there is a whole bunch of buzz about Katy Perry and her new commercial and a new natural beautiful look. Once again let me say that this wouldn’t matter to me in the slightest if I didn’t have a niece. But everything about Katy Perry is so bland from her music to her face. Am I the only one that is reminded of a foot when I look at her. I never understood how this chick became famous for anything other than her nice big Tatas (that’s boobs for the layman). It just aggravates me so bad because I am trying to show my niece that its cool to be yourself no matter how weird you are but true unique is on the inside not the outside. If you have a notion to be peculiar then be peculiar but do it in your own way. Stupid hair doesn’t make you fun or crazy.

Zooey Deschannel and Katy Perry..... so unique its exactly alike

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Blame Taylor Swift

Election time is coming around again and if your anything like me you’re getting really sick of hearing about all of it. So I’m gonna talk about an open mic I went to on Saturday and yes I blame the entire experience on Taylor Swift. Dam Taylor Swift why do you have to be so inspiring…. Especially to people that don’t have talent.

I went to an open mic Saturday because I missed my Thursday open mic (that’s a post for another day). If I havent told you I’m working on some comedy stuff, you know stand up comedy. So doing horrible is all part of the process so I decided I would just get started. Anyway fast forward to last Saturday and the room filled up with people with instruments. They all look really young, so I hate em already (not really but kinda). I figure this will be fun because I love music and especially live music and then I also get to go on stage so this is gonna be awesome right, WRONG!

The first band goes up and instantly I can tell that I have shoes older than most of the band. To make things worse this is west Texas, a desert, and these guys are wearing those ski caps…. In the middle of the summer in Texas. With all these things working against them there is one band member that looks like Uh Huh from the Little Rascals movie so I figure I’ll judge their music. They start playing and suddenly I wish I could have made it to the Thursday open mic. I give them props for trying but this stuff sucks and it appears that no one around them is letting them know that. They were even selling Cds which I found hilarious. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for encouraging someone that is working towards something but I get jealous when someone is funnier than me without even trying.

I blame Taylor Swift. She was writing music and performing it like a prodigy and just had an emotional depth that was just so relatable to her audience. Now it seems that her audience thinks they are all the same, because arent we all special. I especially blame Taylor Swift for the blonde girl that went up with a guitar. The poor girl couldn’t sing and not in the American Idol “she doesn’t have a big voice” but she didn’t sound good. It just made me sad. Well, I guess its not just Taylor Swift but thats who I’m blaming because I’m a grown man and I love her music (that seems like something I should have kept to myself but oh well).

The thing that made it worse is that they would never get the hell off the stage, the ear rape just went on and on and on and on and…….


Monday, August 13, 2012

The Pope Won’t Forgive His Butler For Theft

Is it just me or is this whole world going crazy? It must be because its an election year, time to bring out the scare tactics. The Los Angeles Times reported that Pope “what’s his face” (RIP Greg Giraldo) Bendict‘s butler is getting brought up on charges for stealing. Like I’ve said before in other posts that I am a christian and have been for a long time and I just don’t understand things like this. You’re the Pope right, to the catholics you’re the next best thing to Jesus. Jesus would forgive this guy and tell him to go on his way and sin no more, wouldn’t he?

My first question is, why does the Pope have a butler? This seems like the kind of guy that can move around and clean up after himself. Would Jesus have a butler, I think not. Jesus didn’t even have a house, but then again Jesus wouldn’t have been a Nazi either.

This guy (meaning the butler) leaked internal documents form the catholic church revealing all kinds of, lets just say, bad stuff. He’s trying to do what he believes to be a noble thing. Lets just put this into perspective. He worked with the Pope, the closest thing to an actual powerful monarch on this planet, and he probably got to talk to him and meet his friends. The Pope was his boss and maybe even his friend not to mention the whole infallible thing that the Catholics believe him to be. The Pope gives this guy his days off and vacation days. And to thank him you turn around and leak the secret things you were privileged enough to see. This tells me 1 thing, The Pope must be a giant butt hole behind closed doors.

The Pope is like a mafia boss and messing with him is going to bring this poor butler a whole world of hurt. Because when the Catholic church goes after somebody all you can do for them is pray…. Am I right Crusades.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Stinkin Monkies 12- Do What I Say

Dont you hate it when this happens?  I hate it when this happens and I dont even have kids. This recently happened to me and it drove me insane, not literally though.  This is one of those scenarios that single and parentless people run through their heads, we all know you cant really do it but it just seems like a real great way to deal with a problem child.  Hope you enjoy it! 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Eat It Michael Bay- Transformers- Fall Of Cybertron

The fans have finally been heard! And it wsasnt freakin Michael Bay to listen. He destroyed Devastator but my childhood feels less raped because the demo for Fall Of Cybertron has dropped. In Your face Michael Bay!

We don’t need no stinkin Constructicons with no personality, we have swindle and the Combaticons who form Bruiticus. It is stunning, watching just the trailers and animation of the combaticons forming Bruiticus is what I had wanted for the Transformers movie but hey better late than never, right.

Grimlock. The dinobots are finally in something. I have been waiting for this since I was a kid and wanted the toys but never got them. This is the one character that could have made the 3rd movie not blow so hard. Grimlock if your reading this….. I love you!

Dowload it and play it for yourself…. Its too awesome.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

No Mexicans On Mars Either

Is it just me or does Mars look like Arizona? There is so much corruption in the powers from media to the tops of conspiracy theory so how can you really believe anything that is said, ever. The report has come in that the Mars rover has landed and sent back the first pictures…. Woohoo! I’m just kidding I don’t care either but this just got me thinking.

There is more technology in your cell phone than there was in the 1st Apollo mission. So how exactly did they get that shuttle to the moon . We can turn to cartoons for the answer to this one. Do you remember the old Looney Tunes cartoons where they were trying to get to somewhere high and Acme would show up and strap a rocket to their back. Well, that’s exactly what these people did. The only thing they did different was point it at the moon and the rocket was way bigger.

But there is also the theory that the moon landing was faked and the “evidence” they present is not that bad. In my opinion I say we should always treat popular opinion they way Mexicans are treated in Arizona… Guilty until proven innocent! How about I don’t believe you until you can get me on the moon or at least someone I know because I don’t wanna die.

I’m gonna treat these Mars pictures the same way. I am from West Texas, I know what a dust storm in the desert looks like. Your not showing me anything new here, NASA. This could literally be a picture of some desert with the streets out of view. I saw the Michael Bay movie, there aren’t even any transformers in the shot…. Or have they been photoshoped out.

Either way you slice it I’m sure the Martians are going to be way more welcoming to Mexicans than Arizona is, so lets get those colonies up and running so we can send Americans to Mars and they can get angry about all the Mexicans that are showing up illegally.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Art Of The Open Mic

Recently I have been going to the local open mic and if you have never been to one I highly suggest going. The open mic is a magical land where the things you say can actually be heard by a group of disgruntled people looking for an outlet. The particular open mic that I have been going to is for “comedy.” I’m from a town with no comedy except for the stray comedian that comes through here every now and then, so expectations are pretty low and I’m happy about that.

The first time I went there weren’t that many people and their rule is that the longer you have been going the earlier you get to go on stage, which really sucks for the new guy. So, if its your first time you get to sit through everybody’s jokes and the fear will paralyze your ear drums and you wont even be able to hear anything. You keep looking over your jokes because most of the time you wont have the foresight to memorize it anyway. Looking over the jokes you realize that none of it is funny like you thought it was (relax that just the pre-stage jitters) so you start to mark off any and all the jokes you think wont get a laugh. As you run out of material you begin to consider that maybe its just nerves that have made you mark all these lines on your notes.

And after the torture of having to wait the whole time then it becomes your moment. Here’s a tip for the first timer, don’t sit too far in the back because you’ll want to get to the stage while they’re still clapping, for self esteem purposes. Then they call your name and your heart starts racing, you get up and your knees are weak. You walk on stage concentrating on not falling down. Raising your head you see all the hopeful faces waiting for you to make them laugh. You’re in luck, they’re on your side.

Now its time to be funny.


Monday, August 6, 2012

Thoughts At A Birthday Party- Pt.3- Let The Awkwardness Begin

We had just gone inside while everyone was outside and I attacked the pizza like it was making fun of my mother. It was a nice peaceful while my sister and I made fun of each other as we always do but like all good things in life, that came to a screeching halt when people began to notice that they don’t have to be outside supervising their kids because who cares if the video game trailer guy drives off while they’re still in there, right?

The first person to come inside other than the people that lived there was a girl that the person throwing the party works with. The sight was funny to me because she lead her in like a mother bringing her child to a playpen full of kids and she said “you have movies in common,” and then left. And in my mind I wanted to raise my hand to ask some questions, “Umm is it OK if I make fun of her? Do you have any toys I can play with? Why don’t you have any hot friends? Is anyone at this party single other than the kids? Is it out of the question to liven this party up with a stripper? Can I borrow a $20? Can you break a $20? Is it mean to leave pizza in my mouth so I don’t have to talk to anybody I don’t want to?” But it turned out that 1st girl was cool, she did like movies. Then another person came inside and the conversation got a little more awkward, then another person came in and the conversation got a little more awkward, then I think another person came in. I’m not too sure if anyone else came in because at times like this I retreat into a happy place in my mind that runs red with Hawaiian Punch.

All the people in the village in my head don’t talk to me unless they have something really interesting to say and then as a town we all gather to hear the story. If the story sucks we get to throw him out of town into the woods where all the werewolves and vampires from Twilight are always getting eaten up and pooped out by bears and Transformers. Everyone in that town thinks I’m funny, especially Optimus Prime. Its at that moment that I get woken up by a parade of kids and a billboard of dancing pinks and purples that completely obstruct the view of a 40” inch tv about 4 feet away from me. In my head I yell “get the hell out of the way lady!!!” but all I can do is look around to all the people that have gathered around while I was off in my own little world. Time for the Pinata!

Stay tuned later this week for more Thoughts at a birthday party!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Stinkin Monkies 11- Who Wants Candy?

I'm trying something new this time.  Making a comic strip for little kids is fun but I'm gonna see if I can make some adults laugh.  This strip was inspired by every teacher and adult in my life that always said to never take candy from strangers.  I dont know about you but I was never offered any candy from anyone.  Was I not a sexy kid?  My feelings were hurt.  But our little monkey buddy here is caught with the old candy on a string trick. Enjoy!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Chick-Fil-A- The First To Franchise In Heaven

With all the crap surrounding Chick-fil-a I had to say something because I have been a christian for a really long time, I think its been about 20 years (if you read my blog it might not seem like it tho). I was so taken back by what CFA did because I have always wanted to run a huge and successful business because it seems like a lot of fun. But when you use your business and your religious affiliations to jump into the political arena pretending its for Gods greater good, come on only the very simple are going to fall for this (I’m feeling a little sick just writing about it).

First I am christian and I am not coming to the defense of gay marriage because I don’t care. Legalize it don’t legalize it I’m not going to marry a man so it really doesn’t affect me at all. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want gay people to get married, they’re not trying to stop straight marriage because it has nothing to do with them. Not allowing gay marriage isn’t going to get rid of gay people you freakin uptight political butt holes that don’t know how to understand what you read.

WWJD…. Remember that? If you actually read your bible you might notice that Jesus got angry a lot but then you might notice that it was never at the people he considered sick. He considered people hypocrites when they knew the word but didn’t bother to think critically about it and apply it. Next you’ll notice something else, Jesus never got involved in “politics.” “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesars,” does that sound familiar? He told Pilate that “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above.” Sounds to me like just because you’re under their authority doesn’t mean that they are the supreme authority. Just because I follow your laws doesn’t mean that they mean anything. Allow or don’t allow gay marriage but being christian and standing against gay people makes you as bad as the people that stand outside of the abortion clinic…. And if you agree with doing that too answer me 1 question, how many kids have you adopted?

I personally think this is CFA attempt at getting a franchise into heaven, nice try but I don’t think that’s how corporations work. People know that my favorite topic is religion so when CFA did this they were talking to me like I would be proud of “christian values.” After about 10 seconds of my counter arguments they quickly dropped the subject. It makes me sick.

The way of the future in business is niche business, CFA just has a head start now. Its actually really smart from a business perspective because as any business owner knows the only thing more important than advertising your brand is brand loyalty and boy have they bought themselves a lot of it with this move. It angers me so much when people cant see manipulation when its right under their nose. Yea they will lose money with the boycott but what they lose will comeback to them because people that agree with them and ate there occasionally will now eat there much more often. Who needs the Muppets when you have just bought the kind of brand loyalty that only comes with religion. MAKES ME SICK!

Cartooning 101- Emotion Is All In The Eyes


In this lesson we are going to learn how to give your simple cartoon just a little bit of emotion. I was heard a professional cartoonist say “If you’re going to mess up on anything make sure its not the eyes.” When it comes to drawing everything is important but the eyes by themselves can destroy and entire piece of art. You’ve heard that the eyes are the window to the soul, I bet it was an artist that originally said it first. All expression begins with the eyes and communicates through body language and then finally spoken word.

So lets get to it. These eyes were easily drawn in inkscape (If you don’t know by now I really love Inkscape, its vector based software and best of all its free) using simple circles. The eyebrows are just curved lines but when put in different arrangements they convey different emotions(you‘ll notice that most of it is just the eyebrows doing most of the work). I’ll explain each number.

1. This is just the run of the mill happy expression. Eyebrows slightly raised and open. When added to a face it makes it look happy.

2. Basically the same as the first with one difference, the eyebrows are raised way higher. This helps convey surprise or a more extreme joy.

3. This brings in the eyebrows and eyelids in the opposite way as the two previous. By flipping the eyebrow the other way it helps show a bit of concern when added to the eyes it shows worry.

4. If the eyebrows on the outside show worry when on the inside it totally changes from worry to anger. Everybody is familiar with the anger face because everything around the inside of the eyes bunches together.

5. When the eyebrows are even and more than halfway down the face it presents more of a mellow or sleepy feeling. This one is less about eyebrows and more about eyelids.

6. The classic confused face. It is the only one that is classically asymmetric. By adding one eye of happy and the other of worry they combine to create a bit of worry.

7. Closed eyes with the same angle as the happy eyebrows creates a laughter or another extreme joy emotion. When added to a smile it looks like the face is laughing.

I used the same basic face to show that the eyes are the main source of emotion. I hope you enjoy this one, more to come in the future. If you have any suggestion be sure to leave them in the comments.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Thoughts At A Birthday Party- Pt 2- Lets Get This Party Started

The person throwing the party had rented a video game trailer, I know and yes it was awesome. But they set up chairs outside of the trailer so the adults could sit down and play games, sounds like fun right? Well, lets not forget that I live in Texas, its summer time, and I have what some doctors would call a weight problem (I guess that depends on how you define “problem”). Have you ever broken a chair, I have (sad face) and now you see my problem. I don’t want to sit in these chairs unless they’re made out of oak or steel. This isn’t for any shame reason, like all my justifications, its for practical reasons. If I break this chair I don’t care that people will point and laugh, I’m actually afraid of the chair breaking and one leg left pointing up and stabbing me in the heart like a vampire…. So its not that I don’t want to be made fun of its more like I don’t sit in chairs because I don’t want to die a horrible and gruesome death.

So me and my sister are sitting there playing Mario on the Wii and 2 little kids gather around us. One is just a young Mexican kid and the other looks like a chubby version of Benjamin Button. I say this because he looked like a 35 year old crunched into a 13 year olds body. This kid had a receding hair line that was freaking me out from the moment I saw him. I just looked at him and thought, “your kidding right, no kids have hair like that. That poor kid he’s gonna get made fun of all his life. I kinda wanna make fun of him real hard right now. Isnt he a little old to be a this birthday party. I guess I’m a little old to be at this party and we both have receding hair lines so I guess I cant pass judgment.” It was about this time that one of us made a mistake on Mario (it was probably because I couldn’t concentrate with Captain Hairline right behind me) and this chubby adult posing as a kid started making fun of us. But it wasn’t even in a funny way it was in that nerd, he put his hand over his mouth chuckling and repeating oh I cant believe you missed that while walking in circles. I don’t know where you come from but if you’re gonna talk crap to me and you don’t know me your going to get 1 of 2 things, I’m going to slaughter you with insults until you start crying or punch you in the chest. But I don’t think the judge would take kindly to me saying “well he was being a dick and he looks like he’s in his 30’s, that should count for something, right?”

That’s when I knew it was time to go inside and treat those slices of pizza like my emotions and just eat em.

Stay tuned for more Thoughts at a birthday party!